Venting Reading through my suicide note

[UserFromNowhere]

I've had a suicide note written for a while, hidden away. I think it was the second or third attempt at writing a note. I threw away the previous ones after a couple of weeks to months because I felt they were no longer useful, no longer representative of the thoughts and feelings I felt, and felt like rewriting them would be a better use of my time than sitting around and leaving nothing behind for people to see. But today, a few minutes ago, I decided to peek at the note again.

Take it out of its hiding place and into the view of my eyes, and it feels as though every detail still holds true. I'd say I have gotten moderately better since writing the note, more generally accepting of the troubles of life, but my suicidal ideation will forever last. The feelings I put in the note still represent that belief, of the inherent uncertainty of my future, of my problems with my continued existence. It spells out the reasons I may still, in the future, hop on the bus and leave this mortal realm. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, or something similar, or if I may just be romanticizing things, but it was striking to me as I reflected on it.

 

[interna]

i think i get it.......
i have written multiple suicide notes in the past, at least 3. when i read them, i feel like im reading someone else's note, but all the sentimentality and intention still rings true to who i am. feels like im unconsciously experiencing a loop and each suicide note is just an iteration of the last ≥(`^ `≤マ
it makes me feel quite stagnant, but also comforted knowing I truly haven't changed one bit, even when I feel like a different person every other day

 

[UserFromNowhere]

i think i get it.......
i have written multiple suicide notes in the past, at least 3. when i read them, i feel like im reading someone else's note, but all the sentimentality and intention still rings true to who i am. feels like im unconsciously experiencing a loop and each suicide note is just an iteration of the last ≥(`^ `≤マ
it makes me feel quite stagnant, but also comforted knowing I truly haven't changed one bit, even when I feel like a different person every other day

Not to diminish your experience, I think this gets close to it, but you do enlighten me to a way of describing it that I wasn't able to find the words for. The paper still feels like my words, like I wrote them, even though I wrote it months ago. It's a surreal experience. I'm so used to picking up old pieces of writing and cringing at them, knowing at some point that I did write it, but it no longer feels like how I would write. But this particular letter still resembles me, my feelings, my emotions, even though months have passed since I wrote it, which is dissimilar from all the notes I wrote in the past.