reaching out to past friends?

[heisenberg]

lately i've been really thinking about reaching to two friends i've had in particular. i've had really mixed feelings tho as i am the reason our friendships ended, i ghosted them. they were my only support system and i shut them out bc i didn't know how to deal with myself. it's probably been 1.5-2.5yrs since i spoke to them. i don't know if this is me subconsciously trying to get my ducks in a row before i ctb and if this is selfish of me. i just want to apologize to them. i typed out an apology to one of them but i haven't hit send. i was looking through my name on the unsent project today and i found a post from today that has a nickname one of them gave me when we spoke. idk if i'm just genuinely delusional or i should just say sorry to them or just leave them alone.

 

[TurboCharcha]

I'm in a very similar situation. I think that if you do it without expecting them to understand, it's fine. That way, if they do understand, you'll be glad and, if they don't, then you would have at least relieved yourself of not having apologised.

I insist on lowering expectations if you do it. If you aren't sure you can do that, maybe just leaving them a note for after CTB could be better.

 

[heisenberg]

I'm in a very similar situation. I think that if you do it without expecting them to understand, it's fine. That way, if they do understand, you'll be glad and, if they don't, then you would have at least relieved yourself of not having apologised.

I insist on lowering expectations if you do it. If you aren't sure you can do that, maybe just leaving them a note for after CTB could be better.

i'm thinking about sending a scheduled text message to them since i don't live in the same state as them anymore and i don't remember their addresses. part of me wants to reach out now but i don't want to disappoint them again by reaching out then ctbing a month later

 

[TurboCharcha]

That's understandable. A scheduled text message seems like a good idea.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I relate to this a lot. I've isolated/relocated myself from past lives/friends/family for over 2-2.5 years now. The only constant from then is my therapist.

I can't stop thinking about one friend in particular but as much as I'd love to make contact, I know I just cant for a number of reasons.
* She said it would really hurt if I left her - I sort of threatened it and then actually did it and I know full well I can't promise I won't 'spook' and run again
* These past couple of years have been the most stressful of her life (retraining/studying whilst juggling cost of living etc) and I totally left her to it
* I introduced her to another friend of mine who did a similar career change and I hope they are still in contact
* I don't know if I will ctb. But I can't mess with people like this, disappearing and reappearing etc
* Like you described, I have zero answers. I still don't understand myself and massively freeze and mess up. I wish my therapist could explain what she sees but all that does is spooks me and I shut down or run and don't listen. None of us could deal with this before, hence knowing I needed to just get out. Which is worse because it looks like I didn't trust them with disclosing things. When I don't have anything knowingly to disclose

For me I just can't risk doing it. But the longer I'm still here and seemingly running lost down new paths in life, the more likely one of those paths will cross over with someone from before again, which scares me.

Sorry bit of a selfish vent there. Basically, I hear you. And it sucks so much.

 

[Peter Skellern]

lately i've been really thinking about reaching to two friends i've had in particular. i've had really mixed feelings tho as i am the reason our friendships ended, i ghosted them. they were my only support system and i shut them out bc i didn't know how to deal with myself. it's probably been 1.5-2.5yrs since i spoke to them. i don't know if this is me subconsciously trying to get my ducks in a row before i ctb and if this is selfish of me. i just want to apologize to them. i typed out an apology to one of them but i haven't hit send. i was looking through my name on the unsent project today and i found a post from today that has a nickname one of them gave me when we spoke. idk if i'm just genuinely delusional or i should just say sorry to them or just leave them alone.

And if/as/when you do ctb they'll be understandably extremely upset. Whereas if you don't they might not even become aware (you're dead and ctb) - you'll just be someone they lost contact with which happens to everyone.

 

[heisenberg]

And if/as/when you do ctb they'll be understandably extremely upset. Whereas if you don't they might not even become aware (you're dead and ctb) - you'll just be someone they lost contact with which happens to everyone.

that's true. i'd hate to reach out to them then ctb a month later. i think i'll stick with the scheduled text message

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I recently went to visit my best friend that I haven't seen in 5 years, at his work. I ghosted him before COVID. He was happy to see me and cut me off when I tried to explain why that I just ran out of mental energy for life and learned as an adult that I have austism. He simply said he understands. Real friends will do that, no matter how long it has been. If they don't, well...

 

[heisenberg]

I relate to this a lot. I've isolated/relocated myself from past lives/friends/family for over 2-2.5 years now. The only constant from then is my therapist.

I can't stop thinking about one friend in particular but as much as I'd love to make contact, I know I just cant for a number of reasons.
* She said it would really hurt if I left her - I sort of threatened it and then actually did it and I know full well I can't promise I won't 'spook' and run again
* These past couple of years have been the most stressful of her life (retraining/studying whilst juggling cost of living etc) and I totally left her to it
* I introduced her to another friend of mine who did a similar career change and I hope they are still in contact
* I don't know if I will ctb. But I can't mess with people like this, disappearing and reappearing etc
* Like you described, I have zero answers. I still don't understand myself and massively freeze and mess up. I wish my therapist could explain what she sees but all that does is spooks me and I shut down or run and don't listen. None of us could deal with this before, hence knowing I needed to just get out. Which is worse because it looks like I didn't trust them with disclosing things. When I don't have anything knowingly to disclose

For me I just can't risk doing it. But the longer I'm still here and seemingly running lost down new paths in life, the more likely one of those paths will cross over with someone from before again, which scares me.

Sorry bit of a selfish vent there. Basically, I hear you. And it sucks so much.

it sucks being in this boat. i've known these two people for years, both of them know of my first ctb attempt. i miss them, but reaching out to them would do more harm than good, especially with a ctb date in mind. one of the two, i'd actually stopped reaching out to him twice, this being the second one now. :/ the first time, i cut him off for maybe a year and when i reached back out to him, he told me he was looking at police reports and obituaries in my area because he thought i died. i think it's equally as scary to think you'll reconnect with someone , and to go your whole life without them ever again. i hate this feeling, i'm mourning someone who's still alive.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

lately i've been really thinking about reaching to two friends i've had in particular. i've had really mixed feelings tho as i am the reason our friendships ended, i ghosted them. they were my only support system and i shut them out bc i didn't know how to deal with myself. it's probably been 1.5-2.5yrs since i spoke to them. i don't know if this is me subconsciously trying to get my ducks in a row before i ctb and if this is selfish of me. i just want to apologize to them. i typed out an apology to one of them but i haven't hit send. i was looking through my name on the unsent project today and i found a post from today that has a nickname one of them gave me when we spoke. idk if i'm just genuinely delusional or i should just say sorry to them or just leave them alone.

I can connect with people I haven't talked in years and it was like we never stopped hanging out... especially your circumstances if they were your friend they'd understand.

And, not to mention, CTB is the end all. Go out feeling you could do everything you reasonably could friend. If your heart wants you to say something, don't stop.