Raw thoughts from a broken soul who wants to cease to exist

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I know my death will be by suicide and this is inevitable and there is no way out of this as suicide is my only option and I see no other way out of this. I truly wish suicide wasn't frowned upon by society but some things that society deem as ethical and unethical don't make sense to me. Looking back at my life I realised that the last time I was truly happy was when I was living just me and my mum (the two of us) working at a hospital and even though the job wasn't great on paper I had a very peaceful mind and I was truly happy. My desire to help other humans was my biggest downfall and it's something that I truly regret that I had wished I had just focused on myself without having to try and help other humans as they are the main reasons why I'm in this mess. However, since the damage has been done and there is no way this can be fixed I have been looking and looking and researching at everything to make sure that I don't survive my attempt.

I just want to leave this world, looking at Tara Condell who said that she had suicidal thoughts for 10 years and she finally decided to leave the world gave me so much courage….. I have zero interest in anything and I find everything to be a chore and i feel trapped in this thing called life and I'm craving and dying for eternal peace. My life has been nothing but a horror to me, I hate everything that has to do with living and I truly wish I was never born ( but then again this wasn't even my choice).

I truly feel so disconnected to everything in this world and this will never change, there is no one and nothing that will change my mind and how I feel about life. I just don't like living whenever I see people who have completed ctb my mind is filled with envy. I'm envious of them because they were able to complete ctb successfully and that they are at peace whilst I'm still here in this hell. I truly despise everything to do with this world (except music and crime documentaries).

My days are numbered in this world and I hope I will be successful when I try to complete my ctb

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that you have to endure so much pain in this life and it is so difficult in our society to exit peacefully. May I ask what's stopping you?

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I'm sorry that you have to endure so much pain in this life and it is so difficult in our society to exit peacefully. May I ask what's stopping you?

Truly the only reason why I haven't tried to ctb this time around is because I have different methods in my head and I really want to be successful when I do it. My worry is to be unsuccessful and then end up in a hospital, I was even looking to see if I can just jump in front of a train today (even though I was against the idea before because I didn't want to traumatise other people whilst completing my ctb).

I have two bottles of poisonous substance and loads of pills but I was told it would be a long agonising death and this may result me being in a hospital (and I don't want that). I also wanted to partially hang myself but I realised that since I gained weight I don't know if I will be successful with that either that's why I was thinking of just throwing myself in front of a moving train because the chance of survival is zero and also I live next to a train station.

So my main goal is to make make sure that I complete my ctb with no chance of survival because that will be even a bigger nightmare for me.

Having said all of the above, I truly want to complete ctb in my flat, that will be my ideal place for me to cease to exist.

I really wish I would get SN or a gun but that's impossible to where I live.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The fear of failure and the worries to becoming a veggie makes us all hesitating a bit, as there are no methods available that work 100%, painless and quick. Unfortunately. I'd definitely not do the OD with pills and meds, this one has the lowest chance to be successful, in my opinion. We all wish for a quick and peaceful exit, but it's so hard to achieve that in our world.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I understand the burnout you can get from caring too much.
Being empathetic and empathic really takes its toll on a person.
There is far too much suffering in this dreadful world, and there is very little we can do about it.
I'm beyond tired of my own suffering and the suffering of others too.
Why all this suffering anyway ?
The vast majority of it could easily be avoided, and serves no purpose anyway.
It's a done deal that I'm finished with this hellish freakshow.
There's nothing here for me whatsoever, except suffering upon suffering .
The sooner I leave the better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand your thoughts towards existing, I see existence itself as being the true problem, existing here in this world is something so unappealing and pointless, I find this world that is filled with so much meaningless suffering to be horrible and I've always found comfort in the thought of being gone. I also feel so much envy towards those who ctb and it really makes methods like hanging sound so much easier then they actually are when you hear of people managing to ctb in such a way, I admire the courage of people who managed to ctb in a world where it's so difficult. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[Aisley]

What happened between the hospital job and present that overturned your life?

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

What happened between the hospital job and present that overturned your life?

Oh that well I had these two siblings moved in with me and my mum and things went downhill since then ( not long after they moved in i regretted them moving in with us and I wish I had listened to my mum then because she had voiced on different occasions how she didn't want them there and even mentioned that she wanted their father to take them back) but anyway I had to take plead for them to stay with us something that ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life and the other one being "friends" with a guy that's running to anyone and everyone can hear that I accused him of rape. I do remember my mum telling me years ago on so many occasions to stop being friends with him and she always called him a loser and trouble and she was right.

These siblings always talk of being abused from a young age by different people from another relative in our home country and then their dad and step mum and then now me being a bully etc. Mind you the younger sister even called me to open the door at my mums when this cyberstalking was happening and was even smiling to my face (disgraceful).

Mum I'm sorry for not listening to you then and it has been nothing but a big disaster as you were right that these kids would cause trouble I just didn't know then and now I have forgiven myself for not knowing then what I know now.

So basically it's the siblings and I should have never asked my mum for them to come and live with us and also allowed that wanna be rapper to visit more than a decade ago ( because according to my mum I'm the one who introduced this stupid wannabe rapper to her )

 

[Aisley]

Thank you.

 

[kaleidoscopedreams]

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing & as someone feeling the same.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing & as someone feeling the same.

Is it a reference to my original post or the following post?

 

[kaleidoscopedreams]

Both actually

Is it a reference to my original post or the following post?

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Both actually

No worries, your username reminds me of someone……

I mean I even mentioned about what led me to being this way… Did you go through trauma like me??

Out of curiosity what led you to feel this way?

 

[kaleidoscopedreams]

No worries, your username reminds me of someone……

I mean I even mentioned about what led me to being this way… Did you go through trauma like me??

Out of curiosity what led you to feel this way?

I went through extreme trauma from birth till probably forever. Unfortunately I was the product of 2 pill addicts in the early 2000's in the worst place possible, Florida. They used the government to their advantage & never changed. They did a lot of super fucked up things not limiting to concealing abuse SA, mental & psychical, DCF or CPS has been involved since the day I was born, I don't remember a time when I didn't have a social worker pulling me out of class or coming to the home. My mother allowed random men into the house, took our urine to sell as well as her pills. Eventually she OD'd, but I didn't know until I was 17. So I spent a lot of time grieving & hoping that my life was different bc who wants to live a life like mine? But of course it will never b & as I got older I found out the truth & a lot more that I have buried in my mind & memories that I cannot access for the life of me. I feel as thou my life is in pieces, scatter in times lines I cannot even fathom at the moment. Once she died my father of course lost it, there were 4 of us & 1 of him, might I add there was a huge age difference between the 2 im not sure of the exact number bc I hate math, but she would be 55 & he is 76 now. Regardless of how horrible my mother really was, she did feed us & make sure we had a home & some what healthy food. After she was gone, everything fell apart & so did he. Their love was extremely toxic, he was a violent man, he hit her many of times but for her it wasn't any different than the love she got from exes. He had been arrested many of times, restraining orders placed & revoked. But he really truly lost it all after she died, he just drank & slept it all away. Eventually my aunt, who I love to pieces & never blame for anything ever, took me away from it all. But she didn't know what she was getting when I got off the plane, I was a broken & damaged 11 year old. All I had ever know was struggle & taking care of those around me (my younger siblings, I am the oldest we are all a year apart). I was a handful for her to deal w of course & I was always in denial from the start. All she ever wanted to do was love me & show me that I was hers. When I was 13 I made the worst mistake of my life, I had met another girl we'll call her Sia. She was like my everything, I don't know what it was about her but she had me by the hand in every single thing we ever did. Her life was just as traumatic, she was the daughter of a young mentally ill mom & narcissistic father. I found something in Sia I never found in another friend or even lover now that I'm older. I decided to move in w her & transfer guardianship over to her mother & step father (her younger sisters father). I eventually became one of the daughters, one of the sisters. I basically raised the younger sister we'll call her Crimson. This was the worst mistake of my life, transferring guardianship & moving in. Of course me & Sia fell out for a bit, she eventually couldn't take the abusive environment we were living in & decided it would b better to live w her her biological father & his wife (& her kids). But the entire time this is going on, I was being groomed by Crimsons father. Eventually he got what he wanted out of me, r@p3ing me daily while I slept. To this day I have issues even comprehending that this day, that this really even happened to me. It took me a long time to admit to it myself let alone out loud. Now we are going to move to present day. I'm in a toxic relationship w my "gf", we'll call her Nicole. She is a huge fan gaslighting, & manipulating any situation, I've tried to leave her but some how she gets me back & this is my own fault. It's gotten so bad I've sent myself to the loonie bin bc I thought I genuinely I was crazy & or losing my mind. I've had issues w self harming since the again of 13, i cannot escape it to this day. It's just so comforting & I know that it will do exactly what I need when I need it & I don't have to wait like medication or "deep breathing"
If you read all that bless your soul, thank you for allowing me the time & place to get this out I cannot thank you enough. Feed back is always welcomed. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you & thank you for sharing.