During Covid, I was going through a lot of academic struggle and I thought constantly about ctb. Not like I was actually going to do it but as a fall back. "It's fine if I can't achieve my goals, I can always ctb"
Later, I thought about that time and sorta cringed cause besides that one academic trouble, nothing bad has really happened to me. So it seemed ridiculous to consider ctb when like I was technically a perfectly well adjusted person.
But I've been living as an adult for a while now and it's hit me that it's never going to get better than this. My life isn't hell but it is depressingly mediocre.
I don't form emotional attachments with people so I dont have any friends, I'm not interested in romance or sex so I'll never have a life partner.
Even if I had all the money in the world, I'd still be living alone in an empty apartment with no one to talk to.
I'm not sure how serious I am about ctb but I ordered some SN online and I'm not really that scared of death. Like if I had a button that would end my life, I think I would very seriously consider it.
It just scares that I have to keep living my whole life and do everything right or else I could end up with health problems and working myself to the bone every single day just to come home to nothing.
But like then I come onto this board and everyone else has been through hell and back. And here I am wanting to die for really no good reason. It's weird cause I don't know if I should feel ashamed or stick by my feelings. Like maybe I am just a moody young person who doesn't take their life seriously.
Later, I thought about that time and sorta cringed cause besides that one academic trouble, nothing bad has really happened to me. So it seemed ridiculous to consider ctb when like I was technically a perfectly well adjusted person.
But I've been living as an adult for a while now and it's hit me that it's never going to get better than this. My life isn't hell but it is depressingly mediocre.
I don't form emotional attachments with people so I dont have any friends, I'm not interested in romance or sex so I'll never have a life partner.
Even if I had all the money in the world, I'd still be living alone in an empty apartment with no one to talk to.
I'm not sure how serious I am about ctb but I ordered some SN online and I'm not really that scared of death. Like if I had a button that would end my life, I think I would very seriously consider it.
It just scares that I have to keep living my whole life and do everything right or else I could end up with health problems and working myself to the bone every single day just to come home to nothing.
But like then I come onto this board and everyone else has been through hell and back. And here I am wanting to die for really no good reason. It's weird cause I don't know if I should feel ashamed or stick by my feelings. Like maybe I am just a moody young person who doesn't take their life seriously.
