(Rant) Recovering is all fun and games until

[Housefly]

Until you actually have to face your flaws and not immediately want to give up. I learned a few things about myself that I hate, that I think caused me to be so anxious and depressed that I tried to harm myself for being so pathetic and needy. It's probably why my social life is held together with lithium and desperation for human connection. It's embarrassing. I can't trust anyone. I will never be 'normal' no idea what it is but I know I'm not it. I don't believe anyone when they say they miss me. Did they miss having this strange girl around? Did they miss the entertainment of this clumsy gnome ? I hate standing out so much but it's like a switch that comes on when I need to perform an almost competent person. I try to convince myself I'm having but I can't tell the difference between excitement and anxiety. Do I really love my job or is it like the old faithful I rebound to because I'm too lazy to consider anymore changes in my life. I'm so tired of the changes, the meds, the therapy, the going to work and interacting with people but not in the way I need. Ask me how my day was and actually listen, actually be interested. Maybe don't because my days are mostly mundane. Call me? Do you even care if I don't text first? I don't even know what's happening in my own mind right now, I just feel really lonely but I also hate people. I hate the social expectation thing but can't do that when you want to both blend in and have at least one healthy friend. Am I really recovering, why does it feel like nothing changed except I don't actively want to kill myself. I mean I'm sure that's a good thing but is it?

I think I'm done, I'm so tired. Don't comment to this I'll probably delete if I remember

 

[lamentos]

I felt the first three sentences deep in my veins. Until I heard about this forum and read a couple of threads, I actually thought I was the one who to blame for not being able to cope with suicidal ideation. Now I know there are others. Now I know that there are others who might want to talk about how hard it is to recover, others that understand how strange it feels when you talk to all those people in real life who have never felt like you do. And something is missing in my life. What could it be, human connection? Maybe, but I think that is not the case since I hate to be looked down. Why is it that when they were talking to me they didn't think, "He has problems like every human being and he is trying his best to solve them," but instead they saw a weak whiner talking about his problems. Guess you should keep your mouth shut and keep your head up. Be proud of yourself, exaggerate your ego. Oh, don't text first. Never do that or else you will be seen as desperate. Show your strongest sides, exaggerate your traits even if you don't have anything to brag about, be the fanciest looking mug but does it worth anything with nothing inside it? I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like I'm sort of cursed with those feelings.

Too long to explain in details but the good thing, people here do understand. I feel like everything is just too complicated for me at times. I try to prioritize myself but seeing someone worth nothing in the mirror is just devastating. Med student, 2nd grade, they expect me to help people even though I am the one seeking for help at some point.