Venting (rant) hating myself too much

[kurikaesu]

i've been struggling with depression for a long time, with the absolute worst of it being this year. everything got worse when i made the realization that everything i'm in pain over, is because i hate myself. i can't let myself be happy at all because truly on certain levels i don't. even if i forget about my past sins, every single movement i make is judged and critiqued extensively by myself. i'm becoming deattched from my relationships and myself in general. i desperately want to be happy (as in, an okay neutral state of being) and i love being with my friends but i'm also telling myself that if i choose to live i should continue to isolate myself anyway because of my self-hatred, feeling like a burden to my friends and family, etc. i'm naturally following through with that even though i know in my soul it won't be good for me.

the past two months have been especially devastating. at the start of april i realized i had been groomed online, and a couple days later i had a bad self-hate episode regarding one of those aforementioned "sins", and since then i've barely had any good days. i feel like i'm dying. i've sobbed after looking for, and finding a gun it in my parents room. i want to live so badly but it seems less and less possible each and every day. i've lost a lot of motivation to continue making music. it's painful seeing my relationships deteriorate because i haven't been there to keep up with them. eventually i'll get my wish and be all alone...

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I feel almost the exact same way as you. Everything that's happened in the past couple months have been because i just hate myself so much. i cant even look at other people having fun without feeling like a failure and hating myself. i never go out, never talk to anyone. almost every interaction I've had in the past, it always feels like i somehow manage to do something that pisses someone off or offends them. like theres a million invisible rules i dont k ow about and i somehow manage to always break at least a dozen. i constantly tell myself that id rather just stay in isolation forever than interact with anybody because every single interaction feels like a new opportunity for things to crumble. the worst part is that because i can see that me hating myself is the problem, that just makes me hate myself even more because i see the problem and yet still cant do anything and it just makes me feel like a pathetic failure