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Lady Laudanum
Arcanist
- May 9, 2024
- 442
I used to regularly say that I was not suicidal and I know this is out of character for me. However, I can't continue to live with the guilt of hurting my best friend, who is also my ex. In the past month or so I've completely given up on being sober, started binging and purging again, and I've been purposely doing reckless or even dangerous things to punish myself, but I still can't forgive myself for lashing out at them on more than one occasion. They forgave me multiple times already but this time was the last straw.
I've only ever genuinely loved one person as a partner, and I know that they were the only person who not only genuinely loved me, but also understood me. We both have severe PTSD from being abused by family members during our childhoods. We were close friends for a few years before we both left abusive relationships and started dating each other. It only lasted a few months before they had to leave me for the sake of their own mental health. I never intentionally hurt them, but I feel like a piece of shit and an abuser. I've said things that I regret but there's no way I can take them back. My ex deserved better and I'm sorry that they had the misfortune of meeting me.
I know that they would have wanted me to go back to school, start a fulfilling career, and live a good life. However, I can no longer live with myself for how I wronged them. I know that death by suicide is not what they would want for me, but there is no other way I can stop the guilt from eating me alive. My ex helped me make significant changes in my life that led to me getting sober, reaching a normal weight for my height, and adopting a healthier lifestyle. I know that all of those efforts are going to waste, but I hope that if they ever find out what happened, they understand why I did what I did. I won't be leaving them any form of suicide note, in hopes that they never find out about what happened. I specifically instructed the person I entrusted with delivering my final remarks to a few people I care about, to not let my ex know. However, if they do find out, I hope that they don't blame themselves; I take full responsibility for what I'm about to do.
I'm a rock climber and have the necessary equipment for hanging myself. I have a climbing rope and I plan to use my pull-up bar as the anchor. I'll be putting a pillowcase over my head as well as putting up signs that say "caution: dead body." I have a scheduled message that will be sent to my friend 2 hours after I find my peace. I know 2 hours is a short time period but I want my body to be removed from my apartment as soon as possible.
I know that the method I'm using is not considered one of the most reliable, so there is a chance that I'll survive and end up institutionalized. However, I hope that won't be the case for me. In the place where I live, people are held in the psych ward for 72 hours if they survive a suicide attempt or are taken to the hospital for suicidal ideation. If I don't log in again for 1 week, then you guys can consider me either dead or too incapacitated to ever log into SS again.
I'm sorry that I came to this decision so suddenly. I doubt that it matters to many people though and I know that a decent amount of people here probably hate me. I don't condone suicide and it sucks that people are driven to suicide by their life circumstances or mental illness. I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough to survive and prove that people with severe PTSD do indeed recover. I'm not doing this to punish myself or punish others. However, I hope that my parents can finally be forced to confront the reality of how badly they fucked up when they were raising me.
I've only ever genuinely loved one person as a partner, and I know that they were the only person who not only genuinely loved me, but also understood me. We both have severe PTSD from being abused by family members during our childhoods. We were close friends for a few years before we both left abusive relationships and started dating each other. It only lasted a few months before they had to leave me for the sake of their own mental health. I never intentionally hurt them, but I feel like a piece of shit and an abuser. I've said things that I regret but there's no way I can take them back. My ex deserved better and I'm sorry that they had the misfortune of meeting me.
I know that they would have wanted me to go back to school, start a fulfilling career, and live a good life. However, I can no longer live with myself for how I wronged them. I know that death by suicide is not what they would want for me, but there is no other way I can stop the guilt from eating me alive. My ex helped me make significant changes in my life that led to me getting sober, reaching a normal weight for my height, and adopting a healthier lifestyle. I know that all of those efforts are going to waste, but I hope that if they ever find out what happened, they understand why I did what I did. I won't be leaving them any form of suicide note, in hopes that they never find out about what happened. I specifically instructed the person I entrusted with delivering my final remarks to a few people I care about, to not let my ex know. However, if they do find out, I hope that they don't blame themselves; I take full responsibility for what I'm about to do.
I'm a rock climber and have the necessary equipment for hanging myself. I have a climbing rope and I plan to use my pull-up bar as the anchor. I'll be putting a pillowcase over my head as well as putting up signs that say "caution: dead body." I have a scheduled message that will be sent to my friend 2 hours after I find my peace. I know 2 hours is a short time period but I want my body to be removed from my apartment as soon as possible.
I know that the method I'm using is not considered one of the most reliable, so there is a chance that I'll survive and end up institutionalized. However, I hope that won't be the case for me. In the place where I live, people are held in the psych ward for 72 hours if they survive a suicide attempt or are taken to the hospital for suicidal ideation. If I don't log in again for 1 week, then you guys can consider me either dead or too incapacitated to ever log into SS again.
I'm sorry that I came to this decision so suddenly. I doubt that it matters to many people though and I know that a decent amount of people here probably hate me. I don't condone suicide and it sucks that people are driven to suicide by their life circumstances or mental illness. I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough to survive and prove that people with severe PTSD do indeed recover. I'm not doing this to punish myself or punish others. However, I hope that my parents can finally be forced to confront the reality of how badly they fucked up when they were raising me.
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