Rage quitting the game of life today

[Lady Laudanum]

I used to regularly say that I was not suicidal and I know this is out of character for me. However, I can't continue to live with the guilt of hurting my best friend, who is also my ex. In the past month or so I've completely given up on being sober, started binging and purging again, and I've been purposely doing reckless or even dangerous things to punish myself, but I still can't forgive myself for lashing out at them on more than one occasion. They forgave me multiple times already but this time was the last straw.

I've only ever genuinely loved one person as a partner, and I know that they were the only person who not only genuinely loved me, but also understood me. We both have severe PTSD from being abused by family members during our childhoods. We were close friends for a few years before we both left abusive relationships and started dating each other. It only lasted a few months before they had to leave me for the sake of their own mental health. I never intentionally hurt them, but I feel like a piece of shit and an abuser. I've said things that I regret but there's no way I can take them back. My ex deserved better and I'm sorry that they had the misfortune of meeting me.

I know that they would have wanted me to go back to school, start a fulfilling career, and live a good life. However, I can no longer live with myself for how I wronged them. I know that death by suicide is not what they would want for me, but there is no other way I can stop the guilt from eating me alive. My ex helped me make significant changes in my life that led to me getting sober, reaching a normal weight for my height, and adopting a healthier lifestyle. I know that all of those efforts are going to waste, but I hope that if they ever find out what happened, they understand why I did what I did. I won't be leaving them any form of suicide note, in hopes that they never find out about what happened. I specifically instructed the person I entrusted with delivering my final remarks to a few people I care about, to not let my ex know. However, if they do find out, I hope that they don't blame themselves; I take full responsibility for what I'm about to do.

I'm a rock climber and have the necessary equipment for hanging myself. I have a climbing rope and I plan to use my pull-up bar as the anchor. I'll be putting a pillowcase over my head as well as putting up signs that say "caution: dead body." I have a scheduled message that will be sent to my friend 2 hours after I find my peace. I know 2 hours is a short time period but I want my body to be removed from my apartment as soon as possible.

I know that the method I'm using is not considered one of the most reliable, so there is a chance that I'll survive and end up institutionalized. However, I hope that won't be the case for me. In the place where I live, people are held in the psych ward for 72 hours if they survive a suicide attempt or are taken to the hospital for suicidal ideation. If I don't log in again for 1 week, then you guys can consider me either dead or too incapacitated to ever log into SS again.

I'm sorry that I came to this decision so suddenly. I doubt that it matters to many people though and I know that a decent amount of people here probably hate me. I don't condone suicide and it sucks that people are driven to suicide by their life circumstances or mental illness. I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough to survive and prove that people with severe PTSD do indeed recover. I'm not doing this to punish myself or punish others. However, I hope that my parents can finally be forced to confront the reality of how badly they fucked up when they were raising me.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I never intentionally hurt them, but I feel like a piece of shit and an abuser. I've said things that I regret but there's no way I can take them back.

This is so tragic - I am sure your ex would stop you if they knew what you were about to do. This sounds impulsive. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

My ex helped me make significant changes in my life that led to me getting sober, reaching a normal weight for my height, and adopting a healthier lifestyle. I know that all of those efforts are going to waste, but I hope that if they ever find out what happened, they understand why I did what I did.

They did not go to waste, they were a bonding experience. I am sure your ex was happy to see you get better. You might have slipped again, but no one is perfect and that is ok.

I doubt that it matters to many people though and I know that a decent amount of people here probably hate me.

I doubt that. We're all suffering here, there's no reason for us to be hating each other.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I used to regularly say that I was not suicidal and I know this is out of character for me. However, I can't continue to live with the guilt of hurting my best friend, who is also my ex. In the past month or so I've completely given up on being sober, started binging and purging again, and I've been purposely doing reckless or even dangerous things to punish myself, but I still can't forgive myself for lashing out at them on more than one occasion. They forgave me multiple times already but this time was the last straw.

I've only ever genuinely loved one person as a partner, and I know that they were the only person who not only genuinely loved me, but also understood me. We both have severe PTSD from being abused by family members during our childhoods. We were close friends for a few years before we both left abusive relationships and started dating each other. It only lasted a few months before they had to leave me for the sake of their own mental health. I never intentionally hurt them, but I feel like a piece of shit and an abuser. I've said things that I regret but there's no way I can take them back. My ex deserved better and I'm sorry that they had the misfortune of meeting me.

I know that they would have wanted me to go back to school, start a fulfilling career,and live a good life. However, I can no longer live with myself for how I wronged them. I know that death by suicide is not what they would want for me, but there is no other way I can stop the guilt from eating me alive. My ex helped me make significant changes in my life that led to me getting sober, reaching a normal weight for my height, and adopting a healthier lifestyle. I know that all of those efforts are going to waste, but I hope that if they ever find out what happened, they understand why I did what I did. I won't be leaving them any form of suicide note, in hopes that they never find out about what happened. I specifically instructed the person I entrusted with delivering my final remarks to a few people I care about, to not let my ex know. However, if they do find out, I hope that they don't blame themselves; I take full responsibility for what I'm about to do.

I'm a rock climber and have the necessary equipment for hanging myself. I have a climbing rope and I plan to use my pull-up bar as the anchor. I'll be putting a pillowcase over my head as well as putting up signs that say "caution: dead body." I have a scheduled message that will be sent to my friend 2 hours after I find my peace. I know 2 hours is a short time period but I want my body to be removed from my apartment as soon as possible.

I know that the method I'm using is not considered one of the most reliable, so there is a chance that I'll survive and end up institutionalized. However, I hope that won't be the case for me. In the place where I live, people are held in the psych ward for 72 hours if they survive a suicide attempt or are taken to the hospital for suicidal ideation. If I don't log in again for 1 week, then you guys can consider me either dead or too incapacitated to ever log into SS again.

I'm sorry that I came to this decision so suddenly. I doubt that it matters to many people though and I know that a decent amount of people here probably hate me. I don't condone suicide and it sucks that people are driven to suicide by their life circumstances or mental illness. I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough to survive and prove that people with severe PTSD do indeed recover. I'm not doing this to punish myself or punish others. However, I hope that my parents can finally be forced to confront the reality of how badly they fucked up when they were raising me.

There is zero shame in surviving. You will be welcomed back here with open arms if you so choose. <3 I hope you find the peace you seek, if you want to update us, I'm sure people are happy to be here for you before you go.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

This is so tragic - I am sure your ex would stop you if they knew what you were about to do. This sounds impulsive. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

I know that deciding to CTB sounds out of the character for me, if you've interacted with me before and seen my posts. However, I've been living with the guilt of running my ex's mental health into the ground, since the beginning of this year. We continued to occasionally talk to each other as friends after that but after the final time I lashed out at them while drunk and coked out, they said that they never want to see me or hear from me for as long as they live. I honestly doubt that they would try to stop whatever is going to happen.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

It's going to be okay.

 

[hope1]

Please just try to delay it for as long as possible... you can get through it alive

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I know that deciding to CTB sounds out of the character for me, if you've interacted with me before and seen my posts. However, I've been living with the guilt of running my ex's mental health into the ground, since the beginning of this year. We continued to occasionally talk to each other as friends after that but after the final time I lashed out at them while drunk and coked out, they said that they never want to see me or hear from me for as long as they live.

I am relatively new here, so I apologise if I am not filled in.
I understand. Sometimes we make mistakes that seem irredeemable. Yours is a story shared by many. Bad breakups happen all the time and they hurt a lot. In the heat of the moment many painful things are said.

Please do not commit suicide impulsively. You can still change for the better. Yours does not appear to be an irredeemable situation. I hope I don't come across as patronising. I genuinely think you can get better.

 

[Defenestration]

Please just try to delay it for as long as possible... you can get through it alive

I think also that

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Please consider waiting, maybe just sleep on it. There were so many instances where my drug use absolutely wrecked relationships that mattered to me. It doesn't mean that there won't be other relationships that matter to you. Some people just have a hard line with hard drug use and we have to respect that as much as it fucking sucks to lose people. Please don't do this impulsively. Please reach out via PM if you want, I'm more than happy to chat. We care.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

Are you sure about this? Maybe just give yourself some time to process the breakup and see how things fare? Impulsive action doesn't seem like a good way to choose.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

There is zero shame in surviving. You will be welcomed back here with open arms if you so choose. <3 I hope you find the peace you seek, if you want to update us, I'm sure people are happy to be here for you before you go.

I'm hoping that I won't survive, but I know that with the method I chose, there is a chance that I'll fail. I've been drinking and popping pills for 2 days in a row so no overwhelming SI so far. I'll likely drink some more, take some more pills, and set an alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose so that I can sleep a bit.

I am relatively new here, so I apologise if I am not filled in.
I understand. Sometimes we make mistakes that seem irredeemable. Yours is a story shared by many. Bad breakups happen all the time and they hurt a lot. In the heat of the moment many painful things are said.

Please do not commit suicide impulsively. You can still change for the better. Yours does not appear to be an irredeemable situation. I hope I don't come across as patronising. I genuinely think you can get better.

I've been living with the guilt since the beginning of this year already. It's not like all this happened yesterday.

 

[Defenestration]

Are you sure about this? Maybe just give yourself some time to process the breakup and see how things fare?

Yes just some Time ton to process the break UP. No?
We are with you

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Yes just some Time ton to process the break UP. No?
We are with you

I've been trying to process it for the past 8 months already. It never got any better, despite me genuinely being proactive with getting sober, recovering from my eating disorder, etc.

This is not a case of me deciding to kill myself the day after a partner leaves me. I mistreated them in the past and the guilt has been eating me alive for too long. I don't know how else I can be free from the guilt, if nothing has improved after 8 months.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'm hoping that I won't survive, but I know that with the method I chose, there is a chance that I'll fail. I've been drinking and popping pills for 2 days in a row so no overwhelming SI so far. I'll likely drink some more, take some more pills, and set an alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose so that I can sleep a bit.

I've been living with the guilt since the beginning of this year already. It's not like all this happened yesterday.

What's worrying me is that you're saying that you suddenly became suicidal now and are acting on it now. This is impulsive. The fact that you feel guilty is a sign that you're a good person. Even good people make big mistakes sometimes. The feeling of relapsing comes with intense emotional pain. Please allow some time to forgive yourself. When your head is clearer, you can spend time introspecting into why you feel so guilty, and take steps to fix that. Sometimes that means seeking help.

I understand that you've been trying to process your guilt for 8 months, and that is painful in and of itself, but I wonder if you've been processing it in a way that is not letting you take the appropriate steps to fix the root cause. This will just make it worse, so no wonder you feel this way. You need relief, but that doesn't have to come through suicide in your case.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm going to drink some more, take a couple more xans, maybe another dilaudid too. Then I'm going to sleep for a few hours. I set my alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose to CTB. That gives me a final chance to think about it before I decide whether to proceed or not.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I'm hoping that I won't survive, but I know that with the method I chose, there is a chance that I'll fail. I've been drinking and popping pills for 2 days in a row so no overwhelming SI so far. I'll likely drink some more, take some more pills, and set an alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose so that I can sleep a bit.

I've been living with the guilt since the beginning of this year already. It's not like all this happened yesterday.

8 months is a long time to be hurting like that, I understand. And I don't want to minimize at all, but some things just simply take longer to process esp if you were with them for a long time.

I'm going to drink some more, take a couple more xans, maybe another dilaudid too. Then I'm going to sleep for a few hours. I set my alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose to CTB. That gives me a final chance to think about it before I decide whether to proceed or not.

Please keep us updated if you want to.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'm going to drink some more, take a couple more xans, maybe another dilaudid too. Then I'm going to sleep for a few hours. I set my alarm for 30 minutes before the time I chose to CTB. That gives me a final chance to think about it before I decide whether to proceed or not.

I hope this doesn't have to be the end for you! You sound remorseful and in a lot of pain. I only wish you could approach this from a clear headspace. You can make up for your mistakes in other ways.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

Did something trigger u today? It just feels a bit impulsive. I don't want to throw out platitudes, but a big event can mean more time to deal with. Your ex's life matters, so does yours.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

What's worrying me is that you're saying that you suddenly became suicidal now and are acting on it now. This is impulsive. The fact that you feel guilty is a sign that you're a good person. Even good people make big mistakes sometimes. The feeling of relapsing comes with intense emotional pain. Please allow some time to forgive yourself. When your head is clearer, you can spend time introspecting into why you feel so guilty, and take steps to fix that. Sometimes that means seeking help.

I understand that you've been trying to process your guilt for 8 months, and that is painful in and of itself, but I wonder if you've been processing it in a way that is not letting you take the appropriate steps to fix the root cause. This will just make it worse, so no wonder you feel this way. You need relief, but that doesn't have to come through suicide in your case.

Believe me, I've tried going to many different therapists but it all turned out to be a waste of time and money. My insurance benefits are fairly limited and I've spent thousands out of pocket but nothing changed even though I genuinely tried my best. Although I was sober for a while and I've gotten myself to a healthy weight, I'm still hopelessly depressed. It was only my physical health that improved.

I admit that maybe I've been coping in the wrong way by being a workaholic, and telling myself that it'll all be fine as long as I'm making good money. I have a blue collar job as well as a pretty solid side hustle at the moment. Despite my issues with substance abuse, I've never let it affect my work because I'm terrified of losing my livelihood, going broke, and having no choice but to move back in with my abusive parents.

After trying to address the root cause of my issues with many different therapists, I feel completely stuck tbh. I genuinely tried everything I could, but there is just nothing I can do for myself anymore.

8 months is a long time to be hurting like that, I understand. And I don't want to minimize at all, but some things just simply take longer to process esp if you were with them for a long time.

Please keep us updated if you want to.

I was only with them for 3 months before I pushed them away because of my insanity. I didn't intentionally hurt them, but I still drove their mental health into the ground.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Although I was sober for a while and I've gotten myself to a healthy weight, I'm still hopelessly depressed. It was only my physical health that improved.

Have you tried antidepressants?

I admit that maybe I've been coping in the wrong way by being a workaholic, and telling myself that it'll all be fine as long as I'm making good money.

I'm also a workaholic, it is not a good way to cope in my opinion.

Despite my issues with substance abuse, I've never let it affect my work because I'm terrified of losing my livelihood, going broke, and having no choice but to move back in with my abusive parents.

I understand. Are you dependent on substances right now? I know the pains of addiction all too well. You can control your substance abuse by limiting it outside work hours. Maybe what you need is purpose, something to hope for, that can help you with your addiction. Relapsing often comes right before a profound feeling of hopelessness. You might need to find your purpose first. You can do it.

After trying to address the root cause of my issues with many different therapists, I feel completely stuck tbh. I genuinely tried everything I could, but there is just nothing I can do for myself anymore.

I am so sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I'm sorry. I still think you should not do this impulsively.

You're a good person, at least try to come to terms with the fact that you've been struggling with severe PTSD, and that you've come this far. Your mistakes do not define you.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Have you tried antidepressants?

I'm also a workaholic, it is not a good way to cope in my opinion.

I understand. Are you dependent on substances right now? I know the pains of addiction all too well. You can control your substance abuse by limiting it outside work hours. Maybe what you need is purpose, something to hope for, that can help you with your addiction. Relapsing often comes right before a profound feeling of hopelessness. You might need to find your purpose first. You can do it.

I am so sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I'm sorry. I still think you should not do this impulsively.

I took antidepressants for 3 years in the past but was told by the psychiatrist to stop taking them because they were not helping at all and had side effects.

I've never been truly addicted to any substance, and I've never let my substance abuse issues affect my work. My eating disorder has always been my main vice, tbh. I found it significant easier to quit using any substance, than to recover from my ED (which I've had for more than half my life and I'm in my early-mid 20s).

I'm feeling kind of drowsy for real and going to fall asleep soon, I think. I may or may not provide any updates during the last 30 minutes.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

You're a good person, at least try to come to terms with the fact that you've been struggling with severe PTSD, and that you've come this far. Your mistakes do not define you.

 

[maniac116]

I took antidepressants for 3 years in the past but was told by the psychiatrist to stop taking them because they were not helping at all and had side effects.

I've never been truly addicted to any substance, and I've never let my substance abuse issues affect my work. My eating disorder has always been my main vice, tbh. I found it significant easier to quit using any substance, than to recover from my ED (which I've had for more than half my life and I'm in my early-mid 20s).

I'm feeling kind of drowsy for real and going to fall asleep soon, I think. I may or may not provide any updates during the last 30 minutes.

Best wishes, love & peace to you, no matter what your choice is.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Having some trouble staying asleep so I decided to look at pictures of my dog for a while. I'm still trying to sleep though. I have thousands of pictures of my dog. I got her when I was in my late teens and I love her more than anything else in this world. She's like the epitome of a lap dog and used to sleep on my pillow every day, before I left my parents' house permanently. She'll be in good hands though. My mom is taking care of her. Hopefully my dog will be so well cared for that she won't even realize that I'm gone.

I always wanted my ex to meet my dog but it never happened and now it never will.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Woke up again. Drank some more and popped more pills but haven't passed out yet. I'm definitely not sober but awake for now. My alarm is set for 3 hours later. In the meantime maybe I'll talk about my dumb life for a little bit, if you guys don't find me to be boring and annoying.

 

[CatLvr]

I seems you have your mind made up, and I don't want to sound trite or condescending but maybe you should sleep this one off and rethink this whole thing tomorrow.

If you do decide to go ahead, I hope you find the peace we are all looking for. I will keep you in my thoughts this evening.

 

[Mkeblair]

@Lady Laudanum I agree with @CatLvr. You should probably sleep and see how you feel when you wake up. It's kind of like buying a new car, you go to the dealership, fall in love with it, then sleep, and wake up to realize the payment is more than you wanted to pay. That's just my two cents, for what it's worth. Regardless of what you choose, I wish you well my friend.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I know that people in this thread have said multiple times that I'm a good person, but I'm really not. If I was a good person, I would not have ended up hurting the only person in the world who ever loved me. For their own sake, it would be better for them if they hate me and no longer care if I live or die. I know that there's a good chance they'll find out, even if I don't leave them any note and specifically tell people to not let them know. They're not stupid and if I completely stop making any attempts to get in touch with them for an extended period of time, they'll figure it out even if they don't find an obituary anywhere. So I hope that I've hurt them so badly that they're happy about me dying.

I'm disabling my social media accounts indefinitely so that if people find out, they can't comment anything on my posts that would reveal that I'm gone. After that, I'll drink and drug myself back into oblivion for the remaining 2 hours or so.

 

[LookingFrPeace]

I find your story resonate with me so much. I have an ex who once escalated my life drastically, and I was very thankful for the experience. however, im a fucking scumbag. If time travel exist, the first thing that comes into mind is scolding the shit out of my younger self. only now do I realize how much must it takes to take care such burden of a boyfriend.

I was supposed to be dead. However my ex somehow found out about my plan to cbt and managed to convince me to stay alive. Her tears when we talked were genuine, "If you had nothing left to live for, then live for me". Yet now she's my biggest hater ever.

This puts me in a dilemma. there's the illusion of glimpse of hope, and i never had enough negative feelings to cbt. Im simply depressed

 

[Mkeblair]

@Lady Laudanum I mean, I support your decision and I understand that it sounds like a nightmare, however... You say you "hurt the only person you have ever loved"... Does that person know that you feel that way?

Honestly, I don't know you at all, however, I am just curious, if your partner is like disgusted/done with you? My ex-wife is supporting me and I'm a TOTAL piece of shit, yet I think she still cares.

I have tried placing my handgun in my mouth, it fits nicely, however, I have not had the balls to pull the trigger yet, because I always find myself thinking about the "What if" or "What's next"?.... I'm a trainwreck dear and I am still thinking about what could be? I mean, based on your mind set, I support you, and I 100% understand, however, based on your description of the situation, I don't think anyone would "Not" care/hurt....