Quit my job to prepare for CTB, gave me a rush of happiness, immediately squandered by the reality I have to work again

[thankyou]

Just venting …. I ordered SN from every source & prepared for partial suspension. It's happening and I'm happy with this decision as it's my only choice as a disabled adult in America with no support to no longer suffer. So I quit my job today because I need time to focus on preparing, particularly Swedish death cleaning as I have a lot of stuff. Quitting gave me a rush like a feeling I didn't want to CTB, which I haven't felt in years. I even considered staying and making a new life for myself, but within the same day, reality set in that I would have to find a new job if I stayed alive. The only jobs truly accessible to me as an autistic person do not pay a living wage unless it's literally sex work. So my whole life I either did sex work or finally got a high paying job but of course, would have to quit before getting fired because I have to hide my disability to survive those environments which inevitably lead to burn out so bad it requires hospitalization, which of course I can't afford. Just get me out of this hellscape. It's not like gonna have kids, it's not like I have family, it's not like I have friends. I have a SO who I increasingly feel horrible for dating me and know it's a matter of time before they leave me. Like why tf would I stay alive? I am alone with a sole function of working for a boss who will inevitably fire me for being disabled.

I imagine there are other disabled Americans on this forum? If we have no support what other choices do we have? :/

 

[MemberOfTheMatrix]

That sucks man, id highly recommend you to rethink about catching the bus and instead focus on trying to make the best decisions mentally and physically to overcome these thoughts, nothing happens overtime but small steps do matter a lot to a path for a better life. If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to message me and ill do my best to listen and help out.

 

[Octavia]

It is best to not burn any important bridges before that one is absolutely certain that they would be retiring themselves.

 

[thankyou]

That sucks man, id highly recommend you to rethink about catching the bus and instead focus on trying to make the best decisions mentally and physically to overcome these thoughts, nothing happens overtime but small steps do matter a lot to a path for a better life. If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to message me and ill do my best to listen and help out.

I appreciate that. Im not really in a position to make the best decisions mentally. But I do know that I'm tired, I've tried a lot of life paths and have failed at every single one due to my disability, which is a really helpless feeling that's made me lose all hope. Small steps do make for a better life tho. It's true I have improved my life by taking small steps everyday, but I'm just tired. Maybe too defected to exist. Regardless I recommend everyone follow this comments advice because it's true. Small steps do help. Thank you for commenting.

It is best to not burn any important bridges before that one is absolutely certain that they would be retiring themselves.

True, that's why I am sure.

 

[RedKingdom]

I definitely can relate to quitting a job to prepare to CTB… my last day is tomorrow and I've got everything ready to go when the time is right. Facing the grim reality of having to find another job if you stay here on this planet is terrifying for sure. I can't even imagine having to work with a disability so im sorry this is something you have to struggle with on a day to day basis.

 

[MoonlitNight]

Just venting …. I ordered SN from every source & prepared for partial suspension. It's happening and I'm happy with this decision as it's my only choice as a disabled adult in America with no support to no longer suffer. So I quit my job today because I need time to focus on preparing, particularly Swedish death cleaning as I have a lot of stuff. Quitting gave me a rush like a feeling I didn't want to CTB, which I haven't felt in years. I even considered staying and making a new life for myself, but within the same day, reality set in that I would have to find a new job if I stayed alive. The only jobs truly accessible to me as an autistic person do not pay a living wage unless it's literally sex work. So my whole life I either did sex work or finally got a high paying job but of course, would have to quit before getting fired because I have to hide my disability to survive those environments which inevitably lead to burn out so bad it requires hospitalization, which of course I can't afford. Just get me out of this hellscape. It's not like gonna have kids, it's not like I have family, it's not like I have friends. I have a SO who I increasingly feel horrible for dating me and know it's a matter of time before they leave me. Like why tf would I stay alive? I am alone with a sole function of working for a boss who will inevitably fire me for being disabled.

I imagine there are other disabled Americans on this forum? If we have no support what other choices do we have? :/

Are you able to find anything online? Would that help? It would require minimum conversation and as long as it can be done from laptop or phone (or such) you're free to sit on your couch with tea and enjoy that. I dont know if it will require a level of education though.
I dont know your circumstances, Im just offering a meek suggestion.

Best of luck. It seems the main thing draining you was your job. I hope you find the better that you need and deserve.

 

[thankyou]

Are you able to find anything online? Would that help? It would require minimum conversation and as long as it can be done from laptop or phone (or such) you're free to sit on your couch with tea and enjoy that. I dont know if it will require a level of education though.
I dont know your circumstances, Im just offering a meek suggestion.

Best of luck. It seems the main thing draining you was your job. I hope you find the better that you need and deserve.

I actually had a great career on paper, I made six figures and worked remotely. But because I'm slow I must work 12+ hours daily including weekends to output average performance and it kills me in time. I think freelancing could help but tbh I feel so defeated to even try anymore… Thank you for your suggestion! I highly recommend others in my situation to try remote careers, even if it doesn't work out for me. I've mentored ex prisoners into remote work and it's truly a life changer. And not as hard as you'd think.

 

[LadyAlastor]

Just venting …. I ordered SN from every source & prepared for partial suspension. It's happening and I'm happy with this decision as it's my only choice as a disabled adult in America with no support to no longer suffer. So I quit my job today because I need time to focus on preparing, particularly Swedish death cleaning as I have a lot of stuff. Quitting gave me a rush like a feeling I didn't want to CTB, which I haven't felt in years. I even considered staying and making a new life for myself, but within the same day, reality set in that I would have to find a new job if I stayed alive. The only jobs truly accessible to me as an autistic person do not pay a living wage unless it's literally sex work. So my whole life I either did sex work or finally got a high paying job but of course, would have to quit before getting fired because I have to hide my disability to survive those environments which inevitably lead to burn out so bad it requires hospitalization, which of course I can't afford. Just get me out of this hellscape. It's not like gonna have kids, it's not like I have family, it's not like I have friends. I have a SO who I increasingly feel horrible for dating me and know it's a matter of time before they leave me. Like why tf would I stay alive? I am alone with a sole function of working for a boss who will inevitably fire me for being disabled.

I imagine there are other disabled Americans on this forum? If we have no support what other choices do we have? :/

I feel you on that big time,I've got a list of mental disorders,I'm trans, I'm not great at alot of things other then, sex, video games, and making people feel better sometimes. I've got two partners but I feel like I'm an utter failure to them. I'm fucking weird to where I'll will bleat and baa like a goat like every 30 mins to an hour maybe 2 if I'm lucky. Im Extremely obsessive when it comes to relationships to the point that I can't function well without one and devil knows I'm abusive #im addicted to love.
Honestly the only thing I'm grateful for is the fact that my partners have agreed to a suicide pact but it wont happen for like 7 years and that alone is hell but I guess it's because they want time with me just enough I assume.
But yeah no support for ppl like us and we need more.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, it certainly can be awful how in this world anything that is seen as being positive by someone doesn't last and eventually just leads to more suffering. The reality is that life really is so cruel and there could certainly never be anything fair about existing here in this hellish world. But I wish you the best.

 

[thankyou]

I definitely can relate to quitting a job to prepare to CTB… my last day is tomorrow and I've got everything ready to go when the time is right. Facing the grim reality of having to find another job if you stay here on this planet is terrifying for sure. I can't even imagine having to work with a disability so im sorry this is something you have to struggle with on a day to day basis.

I wish you the best. I hope you aren't too young and have weighed your options. I hope your last day is well. I hope you change your mind but I understand why not. Please be safe.