Venting puppy’s vent thread

[puppyboy]

trigger warnings for csa, abuse, eating disorders, substance abuse, bullying, and suicide attempts

will mainly be talking about however i feel, current thoughts or events in my life, whatever lo"l

i just feel bad spamming the forum with my posts lol ill also probably wont be sober writing any of this shit so bear with me yeah

i hate talking abt my childhood because i felt like it had it good sometimes.. we grew poor but my mom would come home with good food eventually , especially with how much she was earning. just didn't bother to spend it on us because we felt like liabilities. and she made sure she let ue know we ruined her life by constantly screaming and beating us. my father would just waTch. she loved to go gambling with my father's money and hers, leaving us with nothing. i remember eating plain rice and sometimes nothing at all. or gas station food. better than nothing i guess.

i was often left unsupervised which lead to a lot of grooming and CSA from a father's friend. he put his grubby hands on me more than i can count on my fingers.
hell i was running for my life from the guy, i tried to lock the door wnd he busted in and tried to rape me. he'd already raped me a couple minutes before i tried to run so he wouldnt do it again.

he is dead now, thank god, but it's affected my sense of love so horribly. if someone isn't all over me, obsessing over me, wanting to do harmful things.. i don't want it! i hate myself, i feel so disgusting. i'm so used to being treated horribly i need to feel that way again

i remember when people in school used to snicker at me. calling me a fat ugly fuck. j remember when i had milk and other things dumped on me. hair being pulled, being told i was a disgusting f/ggot tranny. n the thing is that i always kept to myself. i just wanted people to leave the fuck alone, i used to eat my lunch in a bathroom stall for fucks sake

my eating disorder has caused me to drop from bmi 20 to bmi 16 within 2 months, i just can't will myself to eat anything from the severe depression and substance use that's afflicting me. why should i even bother? i'm trying to bulk but i'm totally lacking motivation. i just want to die dude holy fuck. whenever i feel like hell i just take a bunch of pills hoping ill feel better later and then i just get so uninterested in eating and it becomes a stupid cycle.

ive had sooo so many suicide attempts, but i gotta admit i really wasnt trying hard enough.. i've tried psh and otc od but no luck of course..but luckily i could very easily kill myself now- welcome to the usa, where fentanyl is literally fucking everywhere

just not sure if i wanna go through with it so soon yet. but im well aware that my fate will be suicide if heart failure from anorexia doesnt get to me first lol

 

[puppyboy]

i'm missing my ex so much..i keep having these thoughts that she'll come back for me. i miss my sweet girl, i miss the way she talked about me with such admiration. i'm a painter and she was my muse. :( any artistic motivation is gone because of her absence. we are still friends, still talking..but i can't help but feel a sense of betrayal and resentment. she was the only person i poured my heart into. now that i know someone else occupies her mind, she plays games we used to with her boyfriend, she buys him expensive gifts, im even having thoughts of them kissing and having sex and it's killing me!!! she's all i ever wanted. i'll never get her back again. i want to die so badly why am i so replaceable, so unlovable..???

 

[puppyboy]

thinking about taking a small bump of fent tmrw. been eating xanax like it's nothing but it's starting to not knock me out anymore.. mnnnn… i don't wanna OD on accident but at the same time i don't really care..? would scraping off a little piece n mixing it in water do anything?

 

[lameemo]

Hey I'm not anti drug by any means. But if ODing is not what you're going for. I would carefully dose your fent.

I'm honestly not sure about the water thing, but from what I hear the best way to does it is through snorting. (Bumps not lines).

 

[puppyboy]

Hey I'm not anti drug by any means. But if ODing is not what you're going for. I would carefully dose your fent.

I'm honestly not sure about the water thing, but from what I hear the best way to does it is through snorting. (Bumps not lines).

yeah that's why i mentioned just shaving off a piece and mixing it in some water or something - i'd snort it but i really hate the burn and drips from snorting haha

 

[puppyboy]

what's so wrong with me that people don't want to spend time with me? always making plans but it just falls through. or they drop me to go hang out with someone else…!!! i show everyone so much love and get fucking nothing in return. i bet you if i ctb now, nobody except for my immediate family would notice. what a stupid stupid life to live. i just want to be held and cared for and loved like these people do. am i cursed? am i just a stupid mistake?

 

[puppyboy]

i keep going through my ex's profiles and it's just triggering me more and more. she clearly loves him more than she ever could with me. i'm not even worth a reply sometimes. is it fucked up that i use this as motivation to hurt myself? whatever, who cares.

 

[gwnn__]

i keep going through my ex's profiles and it's just triggering me more and more. she clearly loves him more than she ever could with me. i'm not even worth a reply sometimes. is it fucked up that i use this as motivation to hurt myself? whatever, who cares.

I don't think it's fucked up to use this as a "motivation" to hurt yourself. I mean, from what i've read, it's clear that you're suffering from this situation and self harm is a valid reaction to that.

 

[puppyboy]

i'm high off of stims again, i love this shit so much but when i run out, i know i'm just gonna stop functioning. i feel happy for once, i'm feeling really talkative and have so much energy. i feel free, i feel like i'm alive. i was talking to my ex again and she called me hun.. i feel kinda pathetic but it made me so happy that she called me that lol. it reminds me of when she used to call me prince, puppy, lovely, etc… im gonna crash in a moment here but ill enjoy the high while i still can

 

[puppyboy]

like i anticipated - the high wore off and i'm back to feeling depressed as hell. i feel so tired and i'm no longer thinking back on old memories fondly. i'm staring at my ex's message, "i'm sorry hun, you are still amazing none the less" it made me happy earlier but now i feel nothing. i just ended up replying with "i don't really agree but thank you for saying it anyways" - just feels like another one of the copious amount of messages i ignore and forget about. my mind feels numb, staticky, and i wish i could actually sustain that feeling of happiness and feeling on top of the world.

i feel a little bad because i think she's finally realizing just how much she's hurt me, and trying to fix things, but i think it's far too late now. there's no amount of love and care in the world she could show me that would fix anything. no amount of "how are you" or "this reminded me of you" or anything else would make me feel a thing. if anything it kind of pisses me off because why are you even trying anymore? we broke up a year ago and i have nothing to offer you. i can only talk to her when i'm high off my ass. that's really fuckin' sad.

while i appreciate the effort she's putting in, the fact that she has a boyfriend she replaced me with makes it feel.. not genuine in a way? like it feels like she's just trying to pacify me so i leave her alone. idk

oh to fade into nothingness forever though..i'm nothing but an addict who has fallen from grace. i'm starting to realize that there's too many wires crossed in my brain and i kinda deserve to die lol

 

[puppyboy]

uugh T_T … the comedowns always feel fucking AWFUL. i feel really sick to my stomach and i can't sleep, feels like i'm running a fever.. also mildly hallucinating but i'm assuming that's from not being able to sleep well the past couple of days. i always wondered why some people get so mad/aggressive when they're on drugs. now i understand bruh. i feel like bashing my head against a wall until its nothing but mush bc everyone and everything is pissin' me the FUCK off. literally nothing happened, i'm just angry for no reason

 

[puppyboy]

tw: graphic descriptions of self harm

i miss cutting myself so much dude. i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut!!!! i have a high pain tolerance though..scared of cutting too deep and i can't cut on my arms anymore bc the scar tissue makes it so hard to slice through. sucks cuz my arms were my favorite spots…i also can't really cut anywhere obvious now cuz my siblings will see it and start calling me childish and immature again. ;_; i'm thinking of trying to dissect myself once more…!! idk i just wanna feel something…if i don't end up hurting myself ill just get someone else to do it, i need to feel anything, it feels like my heart and mind are completely numb !! maybe im just delirious.. ?i havent slept in days idk anymore hahahaha

 

[puppyboy]

i'm craving to be hurt so so fucking bad, i feel so numb. anything would work..i'm practically begging my ex to verbally abuse me and make me feel horrible about myself - not out of sexual desire, no, i'm not a masochist. i just need to feel some type of pain that'll fuck me up and just make me feel SOMETHING. im almost certain she won't do it and honestly ,, i guess that's fine too but that just means i'm gonna end up really fuckin hurting myself, i keep thinking about cutting up my stomach, i need to feel something anything anything anything, i can't handle being this emotionally numb

 

[puppyboy]

she ended up saying "i kinda get it but i still wouldn't wanna do that to you, you mean a lot to me and i'm always willing to be patient with you" - i feel disappointed .. how do i stop feeling empty. i'm too fucked up to cut myself..smoked some weed and took some xanax + drank a bit..

i hate having bpd, idk why sometimes i crave for my fp to hurt me to the point i want to kill myslef but other times i want to be doted on so mcuh it's suffocating

 

[puppyboy]

got knocked out cold for a few hours.. i'm still pretty tired. i feel empty and really sad, think ill cut myself and black out again tmrw… i've honestly just been thinking about killing myself with F but i just don't want anyone close to me to find my body.

i think i'll be unlovable for the rest of whatever life i have. all of my friends have partners and i just keep getting pushed to the side. all i want is to be loved for who i am - but im too fucked in the head to be in a relationship. like REALLY REALLY fucked. i might be attractive but my personality and behavior make me undesirable. somehow clingy and obsessive, yet emotionally guarded and distrustful.

i also keep getting rejected from jobs :L i'm tired of this life man, nothing ever goes my way and i wish i could just disappear

 

[puppyboy]

lots of things to think about today. most of my family came to the apartment and talked for a good while. i felt ostracized though. it seemed like no one was interested in what i had to say so i just retreated back to my room. something about being holed up in my room while my family has a good time without me kind of killed something inside of me. maybe im just being dramatic. but i really feel like they wouldn't give a shit if i killed myself.

as for my ex.. today she said something like - "i'm so close to going off the grid again. genuinely only interested in taking you with me. everyone pisses me off so bad, i hate you all."

if you've been following my posts, or read them, you'd know i've been agonizing over her having a boyfriend. but if not, long story short, we've liked eachother for years, dated for a while then broke up. not long after, she got a bf and im stuck here yearning.

now i'm just really confused. why would she say something like that to me? did they break up or something? i think she's fed up with all her friends but i don't even talk to her much, either. we don't have productive conversations. so i'm just like.. what does this mean. does she love me again or is it just wishful thinking? or does she still have a boyfriend and just wants to string me along again?

i'm too scared to ask what even happened or reactivate my socials to see what she's been posting. i don't even wanna know. but that's gonna be on my mind for a while ,, -__-

 

[puppyboy]

i keep thinking about the message. what is she trying to say?! genuinely only interested in taking you with me..? what happened to being so disinterested in me?

no matter how much i try to move on - trying to fall in love with other people, or just accepting i'll be alone forever.. she keeps saying things that has me running back like a dog! i don't know what to do. i love her so much but i literally can't be with her.

 

[puppyboy]

i want to pick myself back up and keep going. but i'm far too exhausted to continue. despair has simply turned into a mind breaking numbness. anxiety nulled, anger extinguished, sadness washed away. happiness is somewhere that i can't reach. so now i'm left with.. nothing, really. i feel nothing and think of nothing. i think this is where my life ends. there's something wrong with my brain, i'm so useless and undeserving of anything. people like me shouldn't be allowed to live, i should have been long gone

 

[deadpornstarr!]

welcome to the usa, where fentanyl is literally fucking everywhere

apparently not everywhere everywhere or itd be in my paws 2 by now ;w;