Venting a psychotic bipolars vent thread

[joyeux]

To start this off, a bit about me; I'm a dude, I like making art, I just turned 21. I found out I was bipolar 1 about a year ago, and I experience extreme psychosis. My self harm is spiraling out of control. I survived an SN attempt because I'm an idiot. My roommate is obsessed with me. I am withdrawaling off of venlafaxine.

I think my roommate has borderline. I made a post recently venting about feeling suffocated by his obsession with me. He left me a letter the next morning explaining that he has been watching this forum, reading every post, waiting for me. For months. He said he found my post, and wanted to come clean. He confessed that he had been going through my things, my room, my phone, and my car, and he felt very bad about it. We had a long conversation and he vowed to never do it again, and to get help.

I guess I don't really care if he reads this. If he's reading this, then he knows hes betraying me again. And I lost any and all semblance of privacy months ago it seems so I really have nothing to hide anymore.

i would say being bipolar is ruining my life, but my family ruined that far before bipolar ever became a problem. Now I'm experiencing horrific withdrawals from a medication I should have never been put on to begin with. This past year has just been a cycle of shoving new drugs down my throat hoping it'll help, and then ending up worse off for it.

I am completely alone. Putting my trust for a second in anyone else just bites me in the ass. Every. Fucking. Time. I thought my mother earnestly wanted to hang out with me this weekend. Turns out she was trying to use a lunch date with me as a convenient time slot for her affair. Yeah.

I know the correct answer is suicide. I don't have a future, I just have the unfortunate will to live. and I just keep getting tortured more because of it.

I'm going to use this as my vent thread so I don't clog up the channels. Sometimes I have too much on my mind to keep in. If anyone reading has any questions feel free to ask or comment. I'm very blunt and not sociable so I apologize in advance. I don't do good with hopeful words. if I'm in a good mood it's because I'm manic and about to spiral into psychosis. My happiness is a symptom.
ah I must have gotten my account flagged for deleting so many posts. Sorry bout that, I'm not planning on doing that again. I wish I could say I have full control of my actions and how I behave but I just don't.

I'm gonna keep ranting though. It's the only thing I can do to pass the time other than sleep and jerk off. what a life I live.
Interacting with other people is fucking grating. everyone wants something. There's always an expectation. Everything is transactional. Right now I'm on leave from work because I failed I kill myself. I know when my bosses approach me it's because they want to know when the fuck I'll be back making them money. It's really not a coincidence they only seem to care about my wellbeing two days before my leave is about to be up. "How are you" is just a fancy way of saying "how able are you to continue working and stop being a liability to our company?"
honestly I want to buy a plane ticket to some continent other than this one and die. I think going missing in the highlands would be fucking spectacular. just into the mountains and never to be seen again. I really don't want to die in this god forsaken country.

 

[joyeux]

I think I finally got through the worst of the Effexor withdrawals. I started my new job during week two and it was literally hell. Finally around week three, just as the symptoms started to let up, I got a horrible cold. It's like a week later now and I've had to work through it all because I just can't fucking afford to live.

Every day it's something new. Something extra fucking terrible just to pile on. Found out yesterday that I'm not going to have insurance by the end of the month. I know it's on me for being on 'parents' insurance at 21 but I wasn't expecting it when I should have.

My mother fucked her husbands boss so his insurance went out the window after he quit, and my mothers insurance is gone because she's now in a big "woe is me" fit where she's refusing to leave her room, therefore getting fired.

My animals keep getting sick. Everyone wants something from me that I just can't give. I don't have any money, I barely have food. I don't have energy to tip toe around my roommate and my only other friend is fucking in love with me too. I can't handle it.

Not to get all metaphorical but I really feel like I'm a dead horse the world just keeps fucking beating. I have nothing. Every day is misery and keeps getting worse. The only difference from me and the horse is that I'm not dead despite my best efforts. Because why would a singular thing go my way?
My therapist keeps mentioning fixing my "karma." I know she's joking but it's been like an ongoing gag that's really starting to paranoia me. I'm not religious but I've pissed off some like witchy people before? I don't really think I believe in any of that shit but I piss off everybody so maybe some sweater wearing do gooder tried to get one over on me. Probably earned themself some good karma doing so.

I guess I've never really done anything good in my life but I haven't done anything crazy bad either. I don't start fights, I keep my head down, I pick up after myself. I make myself scarce. But I'm bipolar and a fucking nuts one at that so maybe there's something I've done I can't even remember. I've definitely put people in extreme danger during my episodes and I do truly believe that the world will be a better place when I'm gone.
I didn't realize I could post my art here. I made these in psychosis mostly. I have a metric fuck ton of these. I've tried posting them on social media before but I always just get insulted so I don't bother. And I get it at the end of the day, no one wants to see this shit on their feed.
I have so many of these and keep finding more all the time. I have some that are definitely blood because they smell rancid but I can't bring myself to throw it away. I don't know if I'm allowed to post that so whatever.