Venting Public thread i scream my emotions into

[MeSauce]

Owch owie ooo ow emotions hurt ow oo

Nothing cures it it just happens and i deal with it

Im tired to dealing with this i want it over with

I wanna cut again but ehhh

Fuvk

 

[MeSauce]

I hate humanity, but lately even that feels too small.

I hate the world humanity crawled out of. I hate the universe that permitted it. I hate the soil beneath my feet and the birds above my head. I hate the whales beneath the water, the mountains on the horizon, the rivers carving their way through stone. I hate the wind against my face. I hate the elements. I hate that there is something instead of nothing.

I hate the rules of this game I never agreed to play.

Breathe.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Eat because the body demands it. Sleep because the body demands it. Wake because eventually sleep refuses to keep me. Think because consciousness never asked whether I wanted another thought. Maintain this machine because apparently being born signed my name onto a contract I was never allowed to read.

And the rules are so fucking cruel.

Love something, and now you have something to lose. Trust someone, and now you can be betrayed. Build something, and now it can be destroyed. Have a body, and now it can hurt. Have a mind, and now it can suffer. Be born, and now someday you have to die.

And then there are people.

Tribal. Selfish. Irrational. Dishonest. Arrogant. Creatures capable of looking into another human being's eyes, understanding that there is an entire conscious world behind them, and hurting them anyway. Sometimes for money. Sometimes for power. Sometimes for an idea. Sometimes because somebody wore the wrong uniform, spoke the wrong language, worshiped the wrong god, was born on the wrong side of an imaginary line. Sometimes for reasons so pathetic that calling them reasons feels generous.

Someone had to actually feel all of it.

That's what I can't get away from. Every horrible thing that has ever happened wasn't just another sentence in a history book. Somebody was there. Somebody's heart was pounding. Somebody was terrified. Somebody wanted it to stop. Somebody discovered exactly how cruel reality could become and had no choice but to experience it one second at a time.

And somehow the universe just kept going.

The rivers kept flowing.

The birds kept singing.

The wind kept blowing.

The sun came up the next morning as though nothing had happened.

Sometimes I wish all of it would simply disappear. Not burn. Not collapse. Not some final catastrophe with terrified survivors wandering through the ashes. Just disappear. Humanity, animals, forests, oceans, planets, stars. No ruins. No graves. No final witness standing beneath an empty sky wondering where everybody went.

Nothing left to inherit anything.

Nothing left to mourn anything.

Nothing left that needs to breathe.

And I know the mountains aren't guilty. I know the birds haven't betrayed me. I know the wind isn't greedy and the ocean isn't cruel. That's almost what makes this feeling so difficult to explain. I don't hate them for something they've done.

I hate the stage itself.

I hate that reality exists for suffering to happen inside it.

Maybe this isn't philosophy. Maybe tomorrow I could construct arguments against everything I've written here. Maybe another version of me, living another life, would look at this world and desperately beg for it to continue.

Right now, I don't care.

Right now I am tired of existence presenting itself as something whose terms I am simply expected to accept.

Because no matter how much I resent them, the rules remain.

My lungs demand another breath.

My stomach eventually demands another meal.

My mind produces another thought.

The clock advances another second.

And reality never once asks whether I want to keep playing.

It simply deals the next hand.

 

[MeSauce]

Spoiler: Bandage

Relapsed on my no Self Harm streak. Fuckkk
I felt better for like 30 seconds then everything went backnto the way it was
It never fucking ends

 

[MeSauce]

Everything feels the same. "This is your life, and its ending one day at a time." The days turn to weeks, tje weeks turn to months. I wouldnt be able to tell the difference between this week and that one if not given the date. Everything fades into a grayish slop. Nothimg excites me. Nothing is worthwhile. I eat because food tastes good. I watch media because it stimulates me. But why do i do all these things. I dont know. It seems as if i am living out of habit, rather than for something. Many people say life isnt about the journey, its about the destination. People hold achievements as the goal of their life, but when you actually get there, is that your life? No. Your life was drinking starbucks, studying in the library, going to the chess club every thursday night. Your boyfriend; ex-boyfriend. Your hairstyle change that one time.

 

[MeSauce]

Specter
by MeSauce

Yesterday I realized,
I am dead.
A part of me has died,
Yet somehow, I am still here.

I don't know when it happened,
But it did, and I am here.
I move among the population,
Floating from place to place.

I can't communicate with people anymore.
They can't see me, nobody notices.
I eat food, I drink,
It just passes through me.

It's a terrible thing,
To live on after death.
Pray you never know,
The pain of being a ghost.

I can't wait for my heart to stop.

 

[sjuultje123]

Everything I do with a good intention comes back into my face. Report a thief -> can't stop thinking about traumatic events with the police because of my mental health. I lost everything, got it back and now I lost it for good. Have to wait a few years for euthanesia but I can't hold myself together. I am misserable, no treatments left, like they have given up on me, pushed everyone away to protect them, some left by themself, broke the trust with my mother which was the only reason I went for euthanesia after failed cbt moments. Searched help everywhere, couldn't function anymore, getting bounched around in the health care system, gained a massive depth, got fired, got a new job, almost lost my house, lost my study, went back to my old study to fill up the time and pay of my depths, got no money for tuition for the last year, can't talk to my mom, went into a dark world, got out of it, my mind went then dark, health care failed, got on a waiting list +1 year, declining, I am under rock bottem, how do I stay alive on my own, I don't know, don't trust anyone anymore after a few incidents, always wanna die, waiting for euthanesia which I cant tell anyone because it will hurt them even more to know I got refered, heared I was a burden to my surroundings by my mother did it, back into the deepest hole, almost did it but withdrew from cbt, why? My rabits. How? Relapsed instead. Can I tell my doctor about it? No, because when I needed help the most everyone was sick or on vacation with no replacement, broke my trust by breaking a promise by accident, what now. Pathetic but true. Rabits… Once a med school student, now I can't even take care of myself anymore… I gave up and don't recognize myself anymore, made a mistake in treatment and confessed it (relapse), got send away, got a job, my boss looked into my personal medical file, lost my job and trust, I can sue and let her face the health care commity, don't got the energy for it anymore, my past hounts me into the death… And I am the one responsible…