Profound jealousy and fear of Others as result of experiences

[Source Energy]

I'm doing my daily self-analyzing. My SI is constantly prodding me to change jobs, move to Florida, try something new. But it is a lot more complex than that.
Wherever you go, there is a competition for jobs, for houses, for everything. I now see other people as obstacles or dangers, something that will push me out of anywhere where it is good or take from me the chance of getting it in the first place

I feel especially jealous of other women, if they are pretty. I have been the victim of emotional abuse in my relationships, I have been cheated on or not chosen, and now I see others as ones who come to take everything I wanted in life. Oh, it is just sad how I feel about other women! I would need therapy, but not even years in therapy can undo the psychological damage of what I have gone thru.

My ctb is now not even out of suffering anymore. It is a decision made with cold blood, after profound self analysis of how I feel about myself, about others, if I can see a future at all, considering all options.

It is just that my experiences got me to want to ctb rather than feel like on a race always, competing with others.

 

[SilentSadness]

It's true that life is just a pointless competition, a zero-sum game of taking from others. Others can be so stuck in the delusion that life is worth living that it drives them to do terrible things that they would never have happen to them. I too am jealous, not of pretty women but of those who are dead or have the ability to be. I hope that you can find some peace from this relentless competition.

 

[Source Energy]

the thing is, I am pretty myself, but if I am in the presence of other pretty women, it feels like it tells me :"you can't be a woman, because this one here is a woman" (my definition of what it means being a woman ofc). It invalidates and squashes my feminity. I see them as threats in love - doesn't help that I had very soul crushing experiences - even for jobs, if a younger one comes, she will be chosen.
I want to remove myself from this race and quit the game. I'm so disgusted, and feel defeated.
Have I gone crazy? :( sometimes I question my sanity, I suffered hell this last year

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Competition can really grind a person down. After a consistent lack of success it's understandable to feel discouraged and to feel as if you were being targeted. It's important to remember that if you end up losing at something, that means a great deal many other people had that same experience. It's like a huge crowd of people trying to go through a narrow door. Eventually your turn will come, whether it be through that door or a different one.

 

[FuneralCry]

Only the non existent are really fortunate and I only envy those who are gone from this world, personally. The way that I see it, nobody who has the ability to suffer is to be envied. But the reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in this horrific world where chance so cruelly determines everything. The existence of life certainly is a terrible, tragic thing.

 

[Source Energy]

Competition can really grind a person down. After a consistent lack of success it's understandable to feel discouraged and to feel as if you were being targeted. It's important to remember that if you end up losing at something, that means a great deal many other people had that same experience. It's like a huge crowd of people trying to go through a narrow door. Eventually your turn will come, whether it be through that door or a different one.

If it is not the "door/doors" of my choosing, that is not winning. I started to see other people, especially of my own genders as rivals to everything I want and in my way. Ot is a helpless angry feeling and Idk how to stop feeling this way. Im not even sure it is possible. Oh gawd...I really need outta here :((