Preparing for my ctb cheers me up in a weird way

[Bread]

I got a lot of things done today. I'd already stashed my rope, but today I got it back out and properly tied the noose. Then I slung it over a ceiling beam and pulled my whole body off the ground with my arms to make sure that it will hold my weight. No problems. I also found a suitable rag to put in between the rope and my neck. When I was done I wrapped everything up and put it back in its hiding place.

Preparing makes me feel so weirdly...ok. I find myself humming and talking to myself while getting things ready. I guess knowing that you possess the means to kill yourself is a great freedom. I'm sure this sentiment isn't unusual though, since I've seen it expressed on here many times before.

 

[essbet]

I wish it were like this for me! I have so much anxiety about how I'll be found, or if I fail and can't hide the evidence (or worse).

 

[Redt2go]

Yeah I guess bc you're being productive

 

[Beyondajoke]

The same for me, the only time I'm not feeling horrible anxiety is when I'm planning to ctb/hanging around on this forum.

 

[RainAndSadness]

It feels very good, I agree. I had the same feelings when I prepared my bag.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I felt that too, about a year ago all i had this stomach ache because i felt terrible mentally. I said to myself "when i get home ill end it". The stomachache disappeared. I still don't quite understand.

 

[Jiva]

Yes. Me too. When i prepared my rope with loop, i am more peaceful. The same, when i found a ideal quiet place for my suicide. I know, i can go anytime and so i feel peace. The same, when i'm reading advices here. It is a very pleasant feeling, to be prepared and have peace.

 

[21Neberg]

Many people experience this. For me it's because I finally know there is an end to it all.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

It's normal to feel relief when you know the end is near. One of the warning signs of suicide is actually someone who was down for however long and is suddenly happier.