I once wrote in this forum that when I was very young I was ashamed for having a personality and passions. I can sort of see where I was coming from. Not sure how old I was. I think I was pretty young and we often went to theme parks and at the most hedonistic time of our lives. I ate so much unhealthy shit and wasted so fucking much money on these days. But something inside me felt pretty empty, the experience was shallow and I really was melancholic. The hedonistic pleasures had the purpose to fade these feelings out but actually I think I would have prefered to communicate these feelings to my family. But instead domestic violence was part of my daily life to that time point.
I think the idea that hobbies are embarrassing were part of my life for a long time. There was a time I thought I had to say goodbye to friends, animes, video games, collections in order to become a responsible adult. I regret that I sold a few things. But I also realized I don't connect much value to material things when it comes to nostaligia in contrast to my dad who is a hoarder. Maybe an example that I never wanted to follow. I am a data hoarder though. I have extremely many pictures on my phone and sometimes when times become hard I try to make my friends happy by sending them old pictures or memes. I think I am the only one in my friend group who still has all these old pictures.
With autistic special interests one learns that not everyone considers one's hobbies as interesting as you do. Sometimes you feel like an outcast or weirdo.
I think I didn't like the notion of passions because they felt sentimental to me and you are perceived as quite emotional. However, I think I am a man that is very open about my emotional state and feelings (at least when I feel comfortable to talk about them). Maybe I didn't feel like a real man because I had to keep everything to myself in my adolescence. I think I was quite nihilistic at a young age and didn't see any sense except in dying. Life felt like an hamster wheel and the best thing was to escape it. Ironically this attitude changes when extreme suffering came into my life and made me realize it isn't as easy as imagine to say goodbye to one's life.
To come more to the core question. It is sometimes weird that we all have different preferences. Genes and environment seem to shape us. There is the question what could have been if I never was abused. Contrafactual hypotheses and so on. I sometimes also had the desire to be empty. And free of needs. One idea was you would simply die then. But I think at least for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, when you are suffering i realized meaning is way more important than when you experience moderate daily happiness or contentment. I realized having values is for me very important to survive in this madness. There is this religious abstinence or better asceticism I was fascinated with. My diet became way healthier as teenager and it was like I was a new human. Having self-discipline gave me a feeling the best food or the best TV shows could not give. But I tend to extreme behavior and it just became a new obsession. I think having preferences is actually a good thing. (I feel sad fo people with schizophrenia who experience extreme negative symptoms).
I really struggle to be indifferent. Instead I create narratives and every story that I create is like part of bigger mosaic picture. I think this is part of a coping strategy but it also can turn against me. For example when I see patterns in coinicidence or when I do emotional reasoning when I am very scared of something. Many situation that I experience feel existential. And I blame me even for minor mistakes because I am so hypervigilant that so many things can make me panic easily.
I haven't said much about identity. But I will end it here. I might be watching soccer this evening. So don't expect many more threads. Tomorrow I will probaly be on a short hiatus meeting my friends. Thanks for reading.
I think the idea that hobbies are embarrassing were part of my life for a long time. There was a time I thought I had to say goodbye to friends, animes, video games, collections in order to become a responsible adult. I regret that I sold a few things. But I also realized I don't connect much value to material things when it comes to nostaligia in contrast to my dad who is a hoarder. Maybe an example that I never wanted to follow. I am a data hoarder though. I have extremely many pictures on my phone and sometimes when times become hard I try to make my friends happy by sending them old pictures or memes. I think I am the only one in my friend group who still has all these old pictures.
With autistic special interests one learns that not everyone considers one's hobbies as interesting as you do. Sometimes you feel like an outcast or weirdo.
I think I didn't like the notion of passions because they felt sentimental to me and you are perceived as quite emotional. However, I think I am a man that is very open about my emotional state and feelings (at least when I feel comfortable to talk about them). Maybe I didn't feel like a real man because I had to keep everything to myself in my adolescence. I think I was quite nihilistic at a young age and didn't see any sense except in dying. Life felt like an hamster wheel and the best thing was to escape it. Ironically this attitude changes when extreme suffering came into my life and made me realize it isn't as easy as imagine to say goodbye to one's life.
To come more to the core question. It is sometimes weird that we all have different preferences. Genes and environment seem to shape us. There is the question what could have been if I never was abused. Contrafactual hypotheses and so on. I sometimes also had the desire to be empty. And free of needs. One idea was you would simply die then. But I think at least for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, when you are suffering i realized meaning is way more important than when you experience moderate daily happiness or contentment. I realized having values is for me very important to survive in this madness. There is this religious abstinence or better asceticism I was fascinated with. My diet became way healthier as teenager and it was like I was a new human. Having self-discipline gave me a feeling the best food or the best TV shows could not give. But I tend to extreme behavior and it just became a new obsession. I think having preferences is actually a good thing. (I feel sad fo people with schizophrenia who experience extreme negative symptoms).
I really struggle to be indifferent. Instead I create narratives and every story that I create is like part of bigger mosaic picture. I think this is part of a coping strategy but it also can turn against me. For example when I see patterns in coinicidence or when I do emotional reasoning when I am very scared of something. Many situation that I experience feel existential. And I blame me even for minor mistakes because I am so hypervigilant that so many things can make me panic easily.
I haven't said much about identity. But I will end it here. I might be watching soccer this evening. So don't expect many more threads. Tomorrow I will probaly be on a short hiatus meeting my friends. Thanks for reading.
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