After all abuse X sexual abuse by various ppl, only in my adulthood, I don't know how to start fixing myself.
I am hypersexual amd addicted to porn and at same time in fear of ppl, intimacy and relationships despite massive desire to be in commited and loving long term relation(with healthy dose of independence eg.still maintain separate account, That I can still remain wearing own clothes and eat what I want, without need to becoming one). I never been with anybody in consensual or romantic or wanting way. I almost fear like wanting that is me asking too much
Like I been considering seeing private independent escort. Do you think it would help to do it as first time with somebody to whom I can openly say what was done to me, explain expectations and needs(nothing crazy but mostly to take it very slow, be vocal about next step, safe word, to make it sensual and 'as normal' as possible). Like nothing excessive or too sexy. Just you know. Normal. Not perverted. Not sickening. Not what I endured from sick and deluded, mentally ill ppl and pigs of NHS.
Just for somebody to respect me. I don't event want orgasm as much as just feel, even paid, safe body connection. Safe touch. Kind of it being what I want. What makes me feel good and to express this feel good state verbally without shame I can feel pleasure from somebody touching me.
I am hypersexual amd addicted to porn and at same time in fear of ppl, intimacy and relationships despite massive desire to be in commited and loving long term relation(with healthy dose of independence eg.still maintain separate account, That I can still remain wearing own clothes and eat what I want, without need to becoming one). I never been with anybody in consensual or romantic or wanting way. I almost fear like wanting that is me asking too much
Like I been considering seeing private independent escort. Do you think it would help to do it as first time with somebody to whom I can openly say what was done to me, explain expectations and needs(nothing crazy but mostly to take it very slow, be vocal about next step, safe word, to make it sensual and 'as normal' as possible). Like nothing excessive or too sexy. Just you know. Normal. Not perverted. Not sickening. Not what I endured from sick and deluded, mentally ill ppl and pigs of NHS.
Just for somebody to respect me. I don't event want orgasm as much as just feel, even paid, safe body connection. Safe touch. Kind of it being what I want. What makes me feel good and to express this feel good state verbally without shame I can feel pleasure from somebody touching me.
