Help please help me, topic is suicide with my girlfriend

[4Das]

so In short, I met a girl from another country and we kept the contact on line and got into a relationship and everything and she's truly my everything, she's my everything.
I struggle with being suicidal and severely depressed and autistic, I am suicidal but I can't do it now, I would hurt my mom so bad I can't even imagine that.
my girlfriend is suicidal herself and she's actually planning to do it for a while, she wanted to do it before the summer and I could talk her into staying with me longer.
I know it's her choice but I can't lose her, she is my everything I can't live without her.
I asked her to get the chance to join her as we have been talking and fantasizing about suicide together before but now our plan is to kill ourselves at the end of August.
my mom is gonna be so hurt, it's terrifying and I need help, I have nightmares of this everyday I can't hurt my mom but I can't lose this girl, I really mean it I can't live we without her.
can someone give me a bit of advice on what I should do? idk what's more terrifying, hurting my mom and knowing she will never recover from that, my sister aswell.
or do I lose my girl that's all that means something to me, Ieven a day without her is hard idk what to do without her I need her and there's no way of talking her out of it idk what to do

 

[MrDarkness]

so In short, I met a girl from another country and we kept the contact on line and got into a relationship and everything and she's truly my everything, she's my everything. I struggle with being suicidal and severely depressed and autistic, I am suicidal but I can't do it now, I would hurt my mom so bad I can't even imagine that. my girlfriend is suicidal herself and she's actually planning to do it for a while, she wanted to do it before the summer and I could talk her into staying with me longer. I know it's her choice but I can't lose her, she is my everything I can't live without her. I asked her to get the chance to join her as we have been talking and fantasizing about suicide together before but now our plan is to kill ourselves at the end of August. my mom is gonna be so hurt, it's terrifying and I need help, I have nightmares of this everyday I can't hurt my mom but I can't lose this girl, I really mean it I can't live we without her. can someone give me a bit of advice on what I should do? idk what's more terrifying, hurting my mom and knowing she will never recover from that, my sister aswell. or do I lose my girl that's all that means something to me, Ieven a day without her is hard idk what to do without her I need her and there's no way of talking her out of it idk what to do

Does she use the site? If her method is something like anti depressants od I wouldn't worry that much as it's never fatal, also in all honesty, never ever make a suicide pact, I saw a lot posts in the back of the day of one person failing and living with constant suicide guilt, clearly you don't seem that desperate to die as you really care about your mom, which is good, I suggest saying just how much you love her and how you couldn't stand to lose her, no shame in it

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I think its romantic how much uur willing to do for her, but I wonder, what changes if you die now or later? Your mom would feel the same anyway, whether its one month or another month, ctb often means leaving the people around you hurt, which is a sad risk to have to take
Sorry if that sounds insensitive or callous, I'm just wondering genuinely

 

[FF777]

can you both just live longer and see what happens?.. i didn't see you mention reasons for why you guys want to CTB..

 

[4Das]

Does she use the site? If her method is something like anti depressants od I wouldn't worry that much as it's never fatal, also in all honesty, never ever make a suicide pact, I saw a lot posts in the back of the day of one person failing and living with constant suicide guilt, clearly you don't seem that desperate to die as you really care about your mom, which is good, I suggest saying just how much you love her and how you couldn't stand to lose her, no shame in it

if she does it alone she would cut her wrists, together we would jump
and no I don't think she's using that site

can you both just live longer and see what happens?.. i didn't see you mention reasons for why you guys want to CTB..

I tried to convince her of that but there's no way of convincing her

I think its romantic how much uur willing to do for her, but I wonder, what changes if you die now or later? Your mom would feel the same anyway, whether its one month or another month, ctb often means leaving the people around you hurt, which is a sad risk to have to take
Sorry if that sounds insensitive or callous, I'm just wondering genuinely

the problem is my mom is in a really bad situation and she feels horrible enough already.
she has ptsd from her childhood and a whole lot of diagnosis that she still struggles with to this day, I just don't know she doesn't deserve to suffer like this but idk how to live without my girlfriend even tho I wouldn't kill myself now

 

[fluorescentpearl]

if she does it alone she would cut her wrists

She would most likely survive that..

the problem is my mom is in a really bad situation and she feels horrible enough already.

Ahh I see, to be honest the bad situation and disorders won't change anytime soon if we had to be realistic..

 

[piger]

it sounds like you're both pretty young. If you're both willing to make it work, you'll make it through. You must give her that olive branch and get to her level. Providing emotional support and being attached to someone remotely can be really difficult and i'm having issues with this, so i understand where you're coming from.

 

[4Das]

it sounds like you're both pretty young. If you're both willing to make it work, you'll make it through. You must give her that olive branch and get to her level. Providing emotional support and being attached to someone remotely can be really difficult and i'm having issues with this, so i understand where you're coming from.

I am always her emotional support for me, she talks about her problems almost all day to me, it doesent really do Anything she's really sure about suicide, I just don't know how to survive without her.
I don't want to kill myself just now, Its horrible to have the time running out while both options are terrifying yk?
idk what to do with this situation honestly

Ahh I see, to be honest the bad situation and disorders won't change anytime soon if we had to be realistic..

I didn't mean just the disorders shes just already tired with all the stuff going on with me and she's going through a horrible heartbreak rn, she has nothing to cling to and idk how to leave her behind like this.
if she atleast had this guy then she would have something to cling to

She would most likely survive that..

are you sure? I'm worried that she will do it randomly without a word

 

[fluorescentpearl]

are you sure? I'm worried that she will do it randomly without a word

From what I know suicide by cutting is only a few single digit percentage of death, like 2% , unless you're somehow extremely lucky and can hit an artery, but it's unlikely

 

[webb&flow]

Suicidal ideation is almost always caused by our environment lacking things that we need, or our environment (or past environments) having harmful things that give us pain.

I know that you can't just magically move towards what you need and get it instantly, and can't just instantly teleport whatever is desired into your environment, or just magically remove whatever is making more pain.

can someone give me a bit of advice on what I should do? idk what's more terrifying, hurting my mom and knowing she will never recover from that, my sister aswell.
or do I lose my girl that's all that means something to me, Ieven a day without her is hard idk what to do without her I need her and there's no way of talking her out of it idk what to do

There is good news for you: someone can APPEAR like they are "not listening, impossible to save", yet still actually have a mind that is susceptible to change.

Certainty, especially certainty expressed to others, can be very appealing to the human brain. Sometimes it can feel like we're invalidating ourselves when we say we are "not sure" about the idea of suicide. To a suicidal person, it can feel like backpedalling, it can feel like they're saying "I don't have confidence in my suicidal ideation". But just because someone has second thoughts, does not mean those first thoughts should not be taken seriously. Both thoughts are real. Both thoughts deserve understanding and recognition.

I don't want to kill myself just now, Its horrible to have the time running out while both options are terrifying yk?

Maybe you have more time than you think <3. Even in the worst case scenario, suicide attempts the vast majority of the time are interrupted—by something else, by someone else, and often by the very person themself, too. It is not cut and dry ♥.

What do you feel is causing your girlfriend's suicidal ideation? As well as what may be causing yours as well .

 

[4Das]

What do you feel is causing your girlfriend's suicidal ideation? As well as what may be causing yours as well .

she has a really bad eating disorder, she is depressed and she hates herself, her home was abusive and I don't think I should like really go into detail but that's about the main things

From what I know suicide by cutting is only a few single digit percentage of death, like 2% , unless you're somehow extremely lucky and can hit an artery, but it's unlikely

if she often cuts herself is it easier for her to hit an artery?

 

[MrDarkness]

are you sure? I'm worried that she will do it randomly without a word

You would need to be so mentally unwell to even do that and get past the pain and the fear, like I'm talking permanently warded type, your wrists are filled with tons of nerves. I suggest you both talk about getting actual help, no shame in it, clearly you care enough about her

 

[4Das]

You would need to be so mentally unwell to even do that and get past the pain and the fear, like I'm talking permanently warded type, your wrists are filled with tons of nerves. I suggest you both talk about getting actual help, no shame in it, clearly you care enough about her

I try telling her to get help everytime but since her parents forced her in a mental hospital when she was younger she thinks all help is like that and gets mad at me when I mention getting help

 

[webb&flow]

she has a really bad eating disorder, she is depressed and she hates herself, her home was abusive and I don't think I should like really go into detail but that's about the main things

does she live in a better home environment now? <3

self-hatred often comes from abusive environments where someone is repeatedly told they are "bad". You can't immediately convince someone who feels they are bad that they are actually good; you can only try to steer them towards more soothing waters <3.

"Getting help" is a charged term <3. I encourage you to present it in a different light; such as "i found this really neat thing!! is it ok if we try it sometime? <3" and then you show her the thing that you would like her to try <3. It's difficult presenting it in the right light, but it can really help you to frame it differently to her ♥˙

 

[4Das]

does she live in a better home environment now? <3

self-hatred often comes from abusive environments where someone is repeatedly told they are "bad". You can't immediately convince someone who feels they are bad that they are actually good; you can only try to steer them towards more soothing waters <3.

"Getting help" is a charged term <3. I encourage you to present it in a different light; such as "i found this really neat thing!! is it ok if we try it sometime? <3" and then you show her the thing that you would like her to try <3. It's difficult presenting it in the right light, but it can really help you to frame it differently to her ♥˙

If she does end up killing herself, how do I keep living?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

if she often cuts herself is it easier for her to hit an artery?

I guess it depends on what depth of cutting it is, I cut all the time but wouldn't be able to hit an artery

Also arteries are thick and harder to cut, a small Nick would likely not do the job

 

[webb&flow]

If she does end up killing herself, how do I keep living?

in the worst case scenario, the best thing to help will be having people close to you to help embrace your mind and body through the strain and help make that time pass with healing alongside pain i

there is life with her, and there is life outside of her too both exist, and both are real <3. it is possible to build new life. it is possible to continue to build the parts of you that grew with her.

i think it's easy to imagine possibilities. i think sometimes this can make things more complex and even harder too. i think anticipating death can potentially be more stressful in some ways; uncertainty can feel deathly indeed.

you have one situation right now, and so many possible ways and steps you can unite with it <3.

oh and by the way, what do you feel caused / is causing your own suicidal ideations?

wishing you all the best; may things go well for you and may healing prevail

 

[interna]

you sound like you're being pressured into this

 

[4Das]

in the worst case scenario, the best thing to help will be having people close to you to help embrace your mind and body through the strain and help make that time pass with healing alongside pain i

there is life with her, and there is life outside of her too both exist, and both are real <3. it is possible to build new life. it is possible to continue to build the parts of you that grew with her.

i think it's easy to imagine possibilities. i think sometimes this can make things more complex and even harder too. i think anticipating death can potentially be more stressful in some ways; uncertainty can feel deathly indeed.

you have one situation right now, and so many possible ways and steps you can unite with it <3.

oh and by the way, what do you feel caused / is causing your own suicidal ideations?

wishing you all the best; may things go well for you and may healing prevail

thank you so much you're very helpful
I'd say the overall reason for my suicidal ideations is hard to explain as it's just kinda exhaustion of life, I have autism and my mom knew I was a special kid but she didn't suspect autism so I went to school and it was just pure horror to me, maybe it doesn't seem as understandable but just people being there makes me anxious, they are loud and the loud noise is overwhelming me, for years I woke up being really anxious everyday, I woke up bathed in sweat, like Litteraly it was a lot, my heart was beating fast, I had random moments where I felt really anxious again and again, especially in school it was always like hell and it never just went by, the time stretched long there I was unable to learn anything, was made fun of while already feeling tortured by the loud noise. every day was horrible but as I didn't know what's up I didn't say anything, when I was around 11-12 I started being depressed, before summer break I planned to kill myself and had everything ready, I planned hanging myself in an abandoned building, the previous month's I have been distancing myself from my mom as I thought that it would hurt her less if I was distant, I thought that she would care less as she's really loving and I really didn't want to hurt her.
I told my mom I'm going to school and instead of doing that I was on my way to the building as my mom texted me, that she feels like something was off and if I am okay.
I had talked to nobody about it, not even online. I just knew that I can't kill myself yet, I can't do this.
I didnt tell my mom about this plan until years later, tho a while after the summer break when school started again she noticed something isn't right, I told her and we went to a psychologist, I was there for a while and it took a long time as the appointments were really stretched (sorry for bad English) it was like stretched over long time as I only had like 1 appointment every 2 months, finally I got diagnosed with depression and they suspected autism, as we did some research we both were pretty sure I'm autistic.
we were waiting for the ados test and when I was 13 some time it was finally the time, I got my diagnosis.
I was already way too tired of life tho, I didn't get any real help and got put into a mental hospital when I was 14, it was a horrible experience and It just got worse from then.
I stopped going to school since I was 14, i got even more tired, atleast I was in peace but it didn't help my depression, as I was in the hospital I got the diagnosis severe depression (again sorry for bad English, idk if severe is the right word in that case)
long story short it just never got better, I'm still so tired I'm so exhausted idk how to keep living another day, I do nothing but walk around and smoke a few cigarettes everyday, no matter what hobby I try its just horrible.
as my girlfriend lives in another country I still deal with loneliness as I have no real life friends whatsoever, I can't see my girlfriend often either.
I just hate myself so much, all my walking routes are build to avoid humans, not only do they scare me, make me nervous and are loud but I also feel ashamed when I know people are looking at me.
theres a lot of small stuff that still adds to it, just things that make me feel horrible and idk how to deal with it anymore.
my mom is just so sweet and loving, the only thing keeping me alive is feeling guilty.
I feel really guilty destroying her life like that

sorry it got kinda long I tried to keep it short but still detailed, it didn't work out great haha but I tried my best

may I ask what about you? what is causing your suicidal ideations? if you're comfortable sharing

you sound like you're being pressured into this

I feel pressured into this but not necessarily because it's her fault, just by knowing I could lose her, it's pressuring to know that as I can't imagine living without her, she's my entire world.
I do want to commit suicide tho I just feel guilty for my mom, idk what to do honestly

 

[iwillsucceed]

so In short, I met a girl from another country and we kept the contact on line and got into a relationship and everything and she's truly my everything, she's my everything.
I struggle with being suicidal and severely depressed and autistic, I am suicidal but I can't do it now, I would hurt my mom so bad I can't even imagine that.
my girlfriend is suicidal herself and she's actually planning to do it for a while, she wanted to do it before the summer and I could talk her into staying with me longer.
I know it's her choice but I can't lose her, she is my everything I can't live without her.
I asked her to get the chance to join her as we have been talking and fantasizing about suicide together before but now our plan is to kill ourselves at the end of August.
my mom is gonna be so hurt, it's terrifying and I need help, I have nightmares of this everyday I can't hurt my mom but I can't lose this girl, I really mean it I can't live we without her.
can someone give me a bit of advice on what I should do? idk what's more terrifying, hurting my mom and knowing she will never recover from that, my sister aswell.
or do I lose my girl that's all that means something to me, Ieven a day without her is hard idk what to do without her I need her and there's no way of talking her out of it idk what to do

Seems like you have someone in your life (mom) that cares about you that you care about so much that it makes you not want to go. That's a nice thing, don't you think? Some people would do anything to have that...

 

[pcm733]

thank you so much you're very helpful
I'd say the overall reason for my suicidal ideations is hard to explain as it's just kinda exhaustion of life, I have autism and my mom knew I was a special kid but she didn't suspect autism so I went to school and it was just pure horror to me, maybe it doesn't seem as understandable but just people being there makes me anxious, they are loud and the loud noise is overwhelming me, for years I woke up being really anxious everyday, I woke up bathed in sweat, like Litteraly it was a lot, my heart was beating fast, I had random moments where I felt really anxious again and again, especially in school it was always like hell and it never just went by, the time stretched long there I was unable to learn anything, was made fun of while already feeling tortured by the loud noise. every day was horrible but as I didn't know what's up I didn't say anything, when I was around 11-12 I started being depressed, before summer break I planned to kill myself and had everything ready, I planned hanging myself in an abandoned building, the previous month's I have been distancing myself from my mom as I thought that it would hurt her less if I was distant, I thought that she would care less as she's really loving and I really didn't want to hurt her.
I told my mom I'm going to school and instead of doing that I was on my way to the building as my mom texted me, that she feels like something was off and if I am okay.
I had talked to nobody about it, not even online. I just knew that I can't kill myself yet, I can't do this.
I didnt tell my mom about this plan until years later, tho a while after the summer break when school started again she noticed something isn't right, I told her and we went to a psychologist, I was there for a while and it took a long time as the appointments were really stretched (sorry for bad English) it was like stretched over long time as I only had like 1 appointment every 2 months, finally I got diagnosed with depression and they suspected autism, as we did some research we both were pretty sure I'm autistic.
we were waiting for the ados test and when I was 13 some time it was finally the time, I got my diagnosis.
I was already way too tired of life tho, I didn't get any real help and got put into a mental hospital when I was 14, it was a horrible experience and It just got worse from then.
I stopped going to school since I was 14, i got even more tired, atleast I was in peace but it didn't help my depression, as I was in the hospital I got the diagnosis severe depression (again sorry for bad English, idk if severe is the right word in that case)
long story short it just never got better, I'm still so tired I'm so exhausted idk how to keep living another day, I do nothing but walk around and smoke a few cigarettes everyday, no matter what hobby I try its just horrible.
as my girlfriend lives in another country I still deal with loneliness as I have no real life friends whatsoever, I can't see my girlfriend often either.
I just hate myself so much, all my walking routes are build to avoid humans, not only do they scare me, make me nervous and are loud but I also feel ashamed when I know people are looking at me.
theres a lot of small stuff that still adds to it, just things that make me feel horrible and idk how to deal with it anymore.
my mom is just so sweet and loving, the only thing keeping me alive is feeling guilty.
I feel really guilty destroying her life like that

sorry it got kinda long I tried to keep it short but still detailed, it didn't work out great haha but I tried my best

may I ask what about you? what is causing your suicidal ideations? if you're comfortable sharing

I feel pressured into this but not necessarily because it's her fault, just by knowing I could lose her, it's pressuring to know that as I can't imagine living without her, she's my entire world.
I do want to commit suicide tho I just feel guilty for my mom, idk what to do honestly

See if you can consider other things!

My case is severe chronic pain; I have many things and people I care deeply about but struggle with that.

Have you tried antidepressants or ketamine treatment? I found ketamine treatment in particular transformative, it really helped my mindset.

 

[ctb_warrior]

See if you can consider other things!

My case is severe chronic pain; I have many things and people I care deeply about but struggle with that.

Have you tried antidepressants or ketamine treatment? I found ketamine treatment in particular transformative, it really helped my mindset.

Hey recently I'm coming across a lot of about ketamine treatment. Interestingly, my prev psychiatrist offered my father to give me ket therapy. We don't have any knowledge on it. I have asked a few other people who recommended to go for ket. I wish to know, is it habit forming or it can be taken safely and how many doses one needs to take to feel better about life?

 

[pcm733]

Hey recently I'm coming across a lot of about ketamine treatment. Interestingly, my prev psychiatrist offered my father to give me ket therapy. We don't have any knowledge on it. I have asked a few other people who recommended to go for ket. I wish to know, is it habit forming or it can be taken safely and how many doses one needs to take to feel better about life?

Safely I think - it's not generally very addictive, at least not at moderate doses and in a supervised place. I wouldn't worry about that part.

It varies a lot from person to person - for me, it took 3-4 visits to see a real difference but there was other stuff too. Some people after one visit, some people more.

It can be a strange experience and it took a few visits to find a dosage I was comfortable with. Don't be afraid to advocate if you feel a dose is too strong (I got a bunch of nausea the first time), they can change the dose. But I'm pretty med sensitive generally.

It feels weird and you'll have some sensory stuff that's strange. It's really helpful for me to remind myself this is a treatment and it's my choice.

But seriously it's been a great experience *after* (during is fine, odd but not bad). I can't recommend it enough.
It's also helpful to combine with therapy (like, on a different day) - helped with reframing and softening some stuff I felt really strongly about before.
(Feel free to dm me if you want, though I'm just a patient not an expert)

 

[ctb_warrior]

Safely I think - it's not generally very addictive, at least not at moderate doses and in a supervised place. I wouldn't worry about that part.

It varies a lot from person to person - for me, it took 3-4 visits to see a real difference but there was other stuff too. Some people after one visit, some people more.

It can be a strange experience and it took a few visits to find a dosage I was comfortable with. Don't be afraid to advocate if you feel a dose is too strong (I got a bunch of nausea the first time), they can change the dose. But I'm pretty med sensitive generally.

It feels weird and you'll have some sensory stuff that's strange. It's really helpful for me to remind myself this is a treatment and it's my choice.

But seriously it's been a great experience *after* (during is fine, odd but not bad). I can't recommend it enough.
It's also helpful to combine with therapy (like, on a different day) - helped with reframing and softening some stuff I felt really strongly about before.
(Feel free to dm me if you want, though I'm just a patient not an expert)

So sweet of you for sharing it in great detail I'll try to convince my father to agree for ket therapy in that case. Though he's bit apprehensive. I always love to play with altered states of mind - but i have not been able to control any of those altered states, i mess with alcohol, i mess with benzos, i do meditation. So, i think i can handle ket.

 

[pcm733]

So sweet of you for sharing it in great detail I'll try to convince my father to agree for ket therapy in that case. Though he's bit apprehensive. I always love to play with altered states of mind - but i have not been able to control any of those altered states, i mess with alcohol, i mess with benzos, i do meditation. So, i think i can handle ket.

Meditation helped prepare me; also meditation seems a bit stronger after.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Meditation helped prepare me; also meditation seems a bit stronger after.

That's interesting..i soo wanna try ket now.. i wish i could directly try it without having to visit any doc or something