Please Help: I'm ready to CTB

[RetroChaos]

Hi, sorry for the vague title.

I've been edging towards this moment but honestly I feel like it's time.

It's been over two years and I'm still not over my ex. I can't keep living with this day-to-day pain of feeling like a massive failure. The reason she left me was all my fault - I was looking at illegal pornography since I was so numb to it all and I showed it to her, scarring her. She stayed with me through my court trials but even then I was unfaithful and saw two other girls because I was so addicted to sex. It ruined my life and now each day she's gone I think about how perfect she was and how she helped me and how poorly I treated her and threw it back in her face. I tried contacting her after she left me but all that ended up was me being cautioned by the police. I was close to proposing to her before she left me so my whole life was kinda left deserted.

I really can't live with myself anymore - what I've done and also living without her. I know that's selfish but I've clearly spent my whole life being selfish so one final act won't make a difference.

I need some SN in the UK or I'll just jump from Beachy Head.

I've just had enough of the path of destruction I've led and I want to end it all. I'm tired of drinking whisky most nights to numb the pain and just buying retro games to give my life some empty meaning.

I'm tired. I've had enough. Maybe in a parallel universe. I just want to die and give all my worth my to my Jessica since I couldn't when I was alive and I'm sick of seeing her on social media.

Please let me know if anyone has any contacts for SN in the UK. I just wanna die.

I'm sorry Jessica.

 

[jodes2]

I have an SN source if you need, pm me - but I hope you don't do it, things get better, it will get easier sorry you're suffering. Heartbreak is hard, sorry for your loss

 

[GasMonkey]

How did Law Enforcement discover that you were in possession of illegal multimedia?

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

It's been over two years and I'm still not over my ex. I can't keep living with this day-to-day pain of feeling like a massive failure

Damn man, I'm so sorry –

The reason she left me was all my fault - I was looking at illegal pornography since I was so numb to it all and I showed it to her, scarring her.

Oh no fuck it.
I am sorry – for the victims of the illegal porn that you watched. And for your ex.
I hope that she is getting some bomb-ass therapy and some much needed self-esteem.
I'm out.

 

[BipolarExpress]

Damn man, I'm so sorry –

Oh no fuck it.
I am sorry – for the victims of the illegal porn that you watched. And for your ex.
I hope that she is getting some bomb-ass therapy and some much needed self-esteem.
I'm out.

My feelings exactly.

 

[freedomcalls]

I'm sorry for the pain you've had that brought you to that point in your life

I hope you can find the peace that you are looking for

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

My feelings exactly.

Today I randomly remembered this cursed thread and realized that OP has expressed zero sympathy to the CP/sexual abuse victims (what other kind of porn is illegal?) whose content he has watched. Only for himself, for having to face the consequences of being caught, like dealing with the LE and ex-girlfriend growing some spine.
Bleak.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Stop everyone for a second. What exactly is illegal porn? I'm very, very sure that depends on what country you reside in. I'm not sure if I missed it, but I have no idea where the OP resides. Illegal porn in this person's country may be entirely different than the illegal porn that comes to mind if you live in the US, or Canada, or any Western country. It may not be "child" related at all. It could very well be consenting adults engaging in sexual acts. That type of porn IS illegal in some places. I need to know more before I cast judgment.

 

[bleeeeeep]

says he's from the UK... it's definitely CP or something equally as bad lol. no sympathy from me. or a lot of other people on here probably because so many of us have been victims of sexual abuse/assault etc. i don't care what happens to someone who interacts w that type of content.

the kind of shit you have to watch to end up with a literal court case against you in the UK is like, necrophilia, bestiality, CP, life threatening injury or rape. idk how he ended up in court, i'm assuming the gf contacted the police, but whatever was being watched it was clearly something deeply concerning

 

[RetroChaos]

I would like to point out that I have since expressed disdain at what I saw and I've also tried to campaign online against it along with others and donate to causes the the IWF to combat these images.

Porn has the same affect has drugs. Your tolerance increases more and more you witness it. You seem some fucked up shit then cry about it after.

I'm sorry that my initial post didn't detail that point. But then again I'm not here to pretend to be a good guy, I'm not. A victim does not get a get out of jail free card to hurt someone else just because they were hurt.

Again, I'm sorry for a lot of things. I was obviously wallowing in self-pity, and I shouldn't be. When I CTB I've given all my savings to her in my will so she can either get help or start her life properly.

Of course I'm angry at myself for causing this. It happened between the ages of 13-18 being exposed to it all. It messes you up and warps your mind growing up. But I'm aware these are all excuses for not being a better person.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

The reason she left me was all my fault - I was looking at illegal pornography since I was so numb to it all and I showed it to her, scarring her.

I would like to point out that I have since expressed disdain at what I saw and I've also tried to campaign online against it along with others and donate to causes the the IWF to combat these images.

Porn has the same affect has drugs. Your tolerance increases more and more you witness it. You seem some fucked up shit then cry about it after.

I'm sorry that my initial post didn't detail that point. But then again I'm not here to pretend to be a good guy, I'm not. A victim does not get a get out of jail free card to hurt someone else just because they were hurt.

Again, I'm sorry for a lot of things. I was obviously wallowing in self-pity, and I shouldn't be. When I CTB I've given all my savings to her in my will so she can either get help or start her life properly.

Of course I'm angry at myself for causing this. It happened between the ages of 13-18 being exposed to it all. It messes you up and warps your mind growing up. But I'm aware these are all excuses for not being a better person.

As a person that has done the same things in that same age period, I understand. I hate myself everyday for doing what I've done, seeing what I've seen, and affecting my loved ones. All my ex thinks of me is that I'm just a predator despite my changes throughout the years being extremely against this type of stuff, one of my old best friends won't reconnect with me because of this, and I feel like the second of the three old best friends won't be contacting me if I tried to say anything to them as they now have a family.

It's extremely hard to garner any kind of sympathy for this, it's still conscious choices that we've made but the effects that this puts on people also ends up on our hands too even outside of the legal ramifications. Porn really can be addictive and if we're not always hyper-aware of where it ends up taking us, even when it should be blatantly obvious that it's going down a horrible path, it just ends up warping everything for the worse. I commend you for going out of your way to donate to good causes and campaigning for some kind of change, it's more than I've done. I just wallow in self-pity about how I've fucked everything up, completely afraid to say anything regarding this anywhere, and wishing for a magic pill to appear in my hand so I don't have to put in any effort to end it.

There's no big support for people like us, therapy is terrifying at least for me with this topic, and it's stigmatized to hell that we should only ever have bad things happen to us. I get why that is, our actions helped contribute to the further creation of this content, but we're still people that have needed help before, during, and after it. I think about it every day having been clean of that bullshit for around five years and fucking hate myself so much for it. Not saying everybody should be a giant circle jerk with people feeling entitled to not be hated for what we've done, but I just wish there was some sort of actual support outside of a few forum pages. Maybe I'm wrong about therapy with this, I don't know. If I could have the power to make this shit impossible to do, the viewing and the creating of and everything related to it, then I'd like to think that I'd put in all the effort that I have left to try to get rid of it, but it seems like it could only ever stop if God himself would intervene. But nothing that I can say really matters because of the decisions done by a stupid, fucked up kid that needed serious help but that had no one around that actually gave a shit enough to at least talk with at a serious level.

I wish so many things were different, but I can't really ask for much considering how much hurt I've indirectly created by just viewing it.