Venting Planning to ctb become my mind has become too numb

[lucifer_yoo]

I'm 24 I have been struggling with my mind for the past two months. It all started when started having suicidal thoughts 2 months back. From there it's been a downward spiral where I have lost all hope and I'm ready to ctb. I'm forcing my mind to replace all my thoughts with suicidal ones not like I get any thoughts it's just frozen. Can't watch a movie, tv series nothing. I have heavy anxiety and I've become depressed af. I have shut out everyone . Only talk with few over the phone when I'm not anxious. I can't build conversation with I just listen and respond.I just watch reels on Instagram and watch porn (since I got mentally fucked)cause it's the only thing that gives me dopamine have done all kind of drugs before like acid, mdma, shrooms, cocaine etc.Been sober for sometime now because I had gastric problem from doing too much mdma and drinking in spite of the gas buildup. Mind has always been strong while tripping on any of these. Now I have fucking lost it sober .I'm having a hard time talking even typing this thread. I broke up with girlfriend who was the love of my life during these 2 months was hypocritical enough think about dying while I was still with her. I will never be able to be a man for any girl like this. Had really good life until now partied a lot. Wasn't very social tho had a closed circle but a true one. Can't face any of them like this so shut them all out I have broken myself. Spoke only to single friend about this he had back he checked in on me even today but I don't want any help and want to end this suffering once and for all. I really don't deserve the parents I had. They did everything for even though I was a spoiled brat. They love me a lot and I love them. But I'm not sure if I can recover if mind doesn't want to or let say I want to. How did it come to this fuckkk . Just a sick person who doesn't deserve to live. I don't want anything I just want this to stop. I atleast wanna die now so that ppl will remember me as a good person even though I'm fucked up. I want to ctb any day now just to put me end to fucking myself. Not been able eat properly even take bath can sit idlely in a place for 5 mins. I just smoke watch reels fap nothing else. If I step out in search of comfort I hate every second of it because I can't behave normally. I don't think I can ever get better with this mindset . Sorry mom and dad you've raised a bitch who can't even fight back. Really wish it didn't like this :/ I know ppl are gonna be like we are suffering from so much worse I'm sorry I'm done fighting each day feels like a dark eternity. Hope I could travel and save myself from overthinking the fuck out of me into going mentally insane and killing myself. Hope I atleast suffer while I do this cuz I would be putting my parents through hell.

 

[Linda]

Do you know what triggered this? If not, I would strongly suggest you get to a therapist, urgently, and try to find out. This sound to me like some sort of acute crisis that can probably be fixed if you can get the right help.

 

[lucifer_yoo]

Do you know what triggered this? If not, I would strongly suggest you get to a therapist, urgently, and try to find out. This sound to me like some sort of acute crisis that can probably be fixed if you can get the right help.

My suicidal thoughts started coming because I was stressed about life in general and my love life. I was struggling to talk with people from then . Was doing course to land a job. Wanted to higher studies abroad and my dream is fucked now. Parents took me to a therapist seeing I was depressed but therapist said I needed go out and not stay home. How could I with this anxiety?

 

[Linda]

I understand, because I have been somewhere similar. Stress can lead to depression. Being depressed adds to the stress. Before you know it, you can enter a vicious circle that gets worse and worse and is not easy to get out of.
If you have a way to get rid of the stress that triggered all this, that might be enough to get you out of it. If not, you may need medication (anti-depressants) to break the cycle.
Whatever you do in the short term to manage this, in the long run you will need to deal with whatever caused the original stress.
This isn't something to ctb over. This is fixable. If you can't fix it by yourself, get professional help.

 

[lucifer_yoo]

But I

I understand, because I have been somewhere similar. Stress can lead to depression. Being depressed adds to the stress. Before you know it, you can enter a vicious circle that gets worse and worse and is not easy to get out of.
If you have a way to get rid of the stress that triggered all this, that might be enough to get you out of it. If not, you may need medication (anti-depressants) to break the cycle.
Whatever you do in the short term to manage this, in the long run you will need to deal with whatever caused the original stress.
This isn't something to ctb over. This is fixable. If you can't fix it by yourself, get professional help. But I have given into this so badly that I have started to self sabotage my self beyond repair mentally. Therapy only works if my mind responds to this and wants to live . But I can't see myself fighting It's like I'm done with this life in these recent days. I'm done I don't wanna take any step further.

But I have given into this so badly that I have started to self sabotage my self beyond repair mentally. Therapy only works if my mind responds to this and wants to live . But I can't see myself fighting It's like I'm done with this life in these recent days. I'm done I don't wanna take any step further.

 

[Linda]

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. But I don't think ctb is your best choice.

 

[lucifer_yoo]

But I

but I have given into son badly that I have started to self sabotage my self beyond repair mentally. Therapy only works if my mind responds to this and wants to live . But I can't see myself fighting It's like I'm done with this life in these recent days. I'm done I don't wanna take any step further.

Whateevr you decide to do, we are here for you.

Thanks that means so much