Hey all,
I haven't been posting here for a while because I was doing slightly better some time after I got my new position, started working on interesting stuff, and finally got out of the esketamine treatment (literal psychiatric torture btw). It was a bit selfish of me to have left the forum at that time because I don't think it's globally beneficial to only share negativity, but it clearly wouldn't have lift me up either and I wanted to maximize my odds of (at least partial) recovery.
Anyways, as anyone might have expected, this recovery will never happen and I'm now at my lowest again. The last options psychiatrists are suggesting me are 1st gen MAOIs, TMS, ECT and IV ketamine which are all invasive, risky and bound to fail because they're based on very unconvincing proofs or on the unfounded assumption that my brain's chemistry is faulty. Even if I did all that, they'd also try every possible combination of SSRIs/SNRIs in the meantime which would lead to all sorts of adverse effects. Alternatively, they can lock me up and make me a zombie, especially if I refuse the torture they're pushing me through. This can never end. Psychiatry is pseudo-scientific at this point and more delusional than myself.
I'm now convinced I won't ever be able to make long term projects with constant relapses like this, and most importantly receive any kind of sentimental affection and support from anyone in this world (and that's perfectly understandable, I wouldn't want to give affection to myself either). I'm getting older (early 30s), already missed my 20s, now people of my age are getting married or are in a solid long-term relationship (or can rebuild solid relationships out of nowhere, how the freak do they even do that?), most have children or any kind of project… Even if they don't, they at least have the will to experiment new things and can enjoy simple moments which I have never been able to.
Now it feels like all the planets are aligned, and it's the perfect time for me to go. The only person that really ever counted for me (besides my parents) has just relocated to the other side of the planet. My brother is having his first child in October which really gets to show what a wreck I am. My job is starting to put too much pressure on me for basically no reward, and I don't have the strength to move. I'm relapsing and still hate myself deeply. Catching the bus is my only reliable way out.
Everything is setup and I am ready to go. My primary method is partial hanging with a device I designed and 3D printed to be tailor-made for my neck. I know it works well, because I already lost consciousness pretty fast with it last year, but if it turns out too difficult, then I have SN and antiemetics as a fallback. It would be more violent so I'd prefer avoiding that, but it definitely has greater chances of working. I don't have a specific date yet but I want to do it before I get a chance to feel better and start the cycle again. Probably next week or so. I'm hesitant to leave a suicide note because there's not much to say. If they don't understand yet, they won't understand with a note either, so that sounds pointless to me.
I hope the best for you all.
I haven't been posting here for a while because I was doing slightly better some time after I got my new position, started working on interesting stuff, and finally got out of the esketamine treatment (literal psychiatric torture btw). It was a bit selfish of me to have left the forum at that time because I don't think it's globally beneficial to only share negativity, but it clearly wouldn't have lift me up either and I wanted to maximize my odds of (at least partial) recovery.
Anyways, as anyone might have expected, this recovery will never happen and I'm now at my lowest again. The last options psychiatrists are suggesting me are 1st gen MAOIs, TMS, ECT and IV ketamine which are all invasive, risky and bound to fail because they're based on very unconvincing proofs or on the unfounded assumption that my brain's chemistry is faulty. Even if I did all that, they'd also try every possible combination of SSRIs/SNRIs in the meantime which would lead to all sorts of adverse effects. Alternatively, they can lock me up and make me a zombie, especially if I refuse the torture they're pushing me through. This can never end. Psychiatry is pseudo-scientific at this point and more delusional than myself.
I'm now convinced I won't ever be able to make long term projects with constant relapses like this, and most importantly receive any kind of sentimental affection and support from anyone in this world (and that's perfectly understandable, I wouldn't want to give affection to myself either). I'm getting older (early 30s), already missed my 20s, now people of my age are getting married or are in a solid long-term relationship (or can rebuild solid relationships out of nowhere, how the freak do they even do that?), most have children or any kind of project… Even if they don't, they at least have the will to experiment new things and can enjoy simple moments which I have never been able to.
Now it feels like all the planets are aligned, and it's the perfect time for me to go. The only person that really ever counted for me (besides my parents) has just relocated to the other side of the planet. My brother is having his first child in October which really gets to show what a wreck I am. My job is starting to put too much pressure on me for basically no reward, and I don't have the strength to move. I'm relapsing and still hate myself deeply. Catching the bus is my only reliable way out.
Everything is setup and I am ready to go. My primary method is partial hanging with a device I designed and 3D printed to be tailor-made for my neck. I know it works well, because I already lost consciousness pretty fast with it last year, but if it turns out too difficult, then I have SN and antiemetics as a fallback. It would be more violent so I'd prefer avoiding that, but it definitely has greater chances of working. I don't have a specific date yet but I want to do it before I get a chance to feel better and start the cycle again. Probably next week or so. I'm hesitant to leave a suicide note because there's not much to say. If they don't understand yet, they won't understand with a note either, so that sounds pointless to me.
I hope the best for you all.
