Thought that the situation I am currently in is common enough, I'd like to hear some of your stories to better wrap my head around things.
(Some context, skippable) My suicidal ideation is strong and I have dealt with it for most of my conscious life, but how active it is varies greatly, though it is generally rising. For the most part, I think the majority of this ideation lacks true intention, I don't really believe I have the guts to do something very impulsive and my active suicidal thoughts are prone to being impulsive. That said, recent episodes have been bad enough to the point that I had thought through a method, and now the newest development is putting a date on a calendar to ground my thoughts. I picked a day at the end of a month without putting too much thought into it, just to see how it would make me feel. And it makes me feel strange, to say the least. Maybe it's the fact that I marked it ambiguously, but I feel its presence strongly on my calendar, despite it being a spineless pick.
I was reminded of something I had seen someone say, that they had decided not to ctb on a certain day, because they realized it was their friend's birthday, and they did not want to ruin that for them.
So now I wonder, for those who plan and are comfortable sharing, how do/did you feel leading up to the day you had in mind? And what are some of the most important factors that influenced your pick – I expect that this varies a lot person by person, but I am just interested in hearing if there is anything in particular that you feel is worth sharing. I am primarily asking because I am not someone who is particularly eager to ctb, but feel that it should be a calculated and rational alternative for me to have at hand, should I decide it to be appropriate.
(Some context, skippable) My suicidal ideation is strong and I have dealt with it for most of my conscious life, but how active it is varies greatly, though it is generally rising. For the most part, I think the majority of this ideation lacks true intention, I don't really believe I have the guts to do something very impulsive and my active suicidal thoughts are prone to being impulsive. That said, recent episodes have been bad enough to the point that I had thought through a method, and now the newest development is putting a date on a calendar to ground my thoughts. I picked a day at the end of a month without putting too much thought into it, just to see how it would make me feel. And it makes me feel strange, to say the least. Maybe it's the fact that I marked it ambiguously, but I feel its presence strongly on my calendar, despite it being a spineless pick.
I was reminded of something I had seen someone say, that they had decided not to ctb on a certain day, because they realized it was their friend's birthday, and they did not want to ruin that for them.
So now I wonder, for those who plan and are comfortable sharing, how do/did you feel leading up to the day you had in mind? And what are some of the most important factors that influenced your pick – I expect that this varies a lot person by person, but I am just interested in hearing if there is anything in particular that you feel is worth sharing. I am primarily asking because I am not someone who is particularly eager to ctb, but feel that it should be a calculated and rational alternative for me to have at hand, should I decide it to be appropriate.
