People with SN, why are you here?

[Fthis]

To everyone who owns a gun, has access to a really tall cliff, or has SN, why the hell are you still alive?

 

[Frauw]

I'm comfortable just having it, but if a time comes where my health issues are just too much having the ticket right there is damn good reinforcement on my mental health, if I didn't have it and my health issues progressed I'd probably be panicked daily.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Well i would've died many years ago if it wasn't because i don't have a way out (im 'sure'/'confident' or whatever the fuck that means that someday I'll finally have one although it's so fcking hard but well lol) and i live in a house with my parents and it's so risky and hard to attempt here in their 'house' and i guess I dont want to 'traumatize'/'hurt' them or whatever tf those 'verbs' mean because theyd be extremely 'devastated' if i died (("sorry" but just because 'they' are my 'parents' and had 'me' and "I" had no choice but to 'be' 'born' and 'exist' and 'they' 'love'/'want' me and want me to 'experience'/'enjoy'/'live'/'do'/'participate in'/'explore' etc 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'existence' etcblabla and want me to be 'happy', 'healthy' [as if i gave a fuck about bEiNg 'hApPy'/'hEaLtHy' and all that ""pOsItIvE"" crap lol] and "aLl tHe BeSt FoR mE" and want 'fReEdOm', 'jOy'/'hApPiNeSs', 'sAtIsFaCtIoN', 'fuLfiLlmEnT' and blahblah all that/many other "pOsItIvE" crap [ok? lol, why do i have to 'care'? ok 'they' are my 'parents' and 'want'/'love' me a lot and blabla so 'they' want "pOsItIvE" 'things' for me/to 'happen' to me and blabla but ffs why do i have to care and want to too?] and 'be' "the 'person'/type of 'person' i want"/"however i want"/"the 'way' i want" [i simply just DONT want to 'be' any fcking 'person'/type of 'person' at all of/in any fcking way nor 'be' any 'way' at all lol again why tf do i have to? I just cant understand, what if i simply just basically and literally DONT and DONT WANT TO WANT TO and that's it? why is that "iMpOsSiBlE"? because 'humans'/'people' say so and feel like it and have INVENTED that its "nOt PoSsIbLe" and that if you don't it's because "tHeReS a ReAsoN bEhInD"? lmao] and 'do'/'experience'/'like' etc "whatever/anything i want" [i literally just dont want and never will want to 'do' nor 'experience' nor 'enjoy' nor 'know' nor 'learn' nor absolutely any other 'action'/'verb' etc in general at all ANYTHING for fuck's sake lol, literally ANYTHING, of any type/way etc whatever/however tf it is/can be, why the fck am i sUpPoSeD tO and obligated/forced to just because the 'rest' of people/everyone else wants to and just because "I" had no choice but to 'exist', 'be'/'become' 'something'/'someone' and 'come'/'be' 'here'? lol. i simply just don't, never had and never will and it's not because of "depression" nor "apathy" nor "nihilism" nor "emptiness" nor "boredom" nor "bad life" nor "low self-esteem" or whatever tf that means nor literally any other 'reason'/'reasons' in general at all of absolutely any type. and that's it, whether 'people' 'believe'/'understand' it or not.] and just because they'd 'suffer'/'cry' a lot and be 'very' 'devastated'/'hurt'/'traumatized'/'shocked' and would 'miss' me a lot if i die and blabla, DOESNT mean that i have to want to too/want to 'stay' yes or yes and care about/have 'interest' for/want to 'experience'|'live'|'enjoy'|'know'|'learn'|'do'|'explore'|'like'|'wish'|'desire'|'participate in'|'be part of'|'accomplish' and/or whatever/any other 'verb'|'action' etc in general 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'existence'/'consciousness'/'things'/'something' and or whatever tf in general "UnlEsS i DoNt bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN" and exist/live/experience/care about/have 'interest' for etcetc even though I SIMPLY JUST DONT WANT TO/DONT WANT TO WANT TO AND NEVER WILL no 'matter' how the fck not only 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'existence'/'consciousness'/'humanity'/'society' but literally basically everything/anything else in general of any type/way etc whatever and however it is and can be and no 'matter' what happens, what whatever tf is about/can work and how it works/can work, no matter what there is/there can be etc just because my parents and family want and love me and want me to stay and 'enjoy'/'have fun'/be 'happy' blabla and 'live'/'experience'/'do'/'participate in'/'explore' etc 'life'/'the world'/'existence'/'planet earth' etcetcblabla and if i don't want to iTs bEcAusE oF "dEpReSsIoN" aNd Or aNy otHeR "mEnTaL iLlNeSsEs" aNd Or aNy otHeR 'rEaSoN'/'rEaSoNs' and would 'suffer' and be 'devastated' if i die. Well what can i do lmfao, i'm 'sorry' that they'll 'suffer'/be in 'pain' for the 'rest' of their 'lives' and won't be 'able' to 'overcome' my death and blahblah, that's not my 'problem' lol, 'this' SHOULDNT be an obligation, that's it. 'People' would say it 'sounds' "cold" and "cruel" and "sElFiSh" or whatever tf all that means to say that it's not my 'problem' that they'll suffer a lot when I die, and i don't care if it's "cruel", "cold" or "selfish", im very 'sorry' to them but this shouldn't be an obligation, as i said. If i just don't want to exist nor experience/live/do/care about/be part of/participate in/have 'interest' in/like/be part of/enjoy/explore etcetc ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY ANYTHING at all in general of any type/way etc whatever/however tf it is/can be etc, i JUST DON'T AND THATS IT and no one/nothing is gonna ever change that [NOR i want to lmao]. I shouldn't be existing and experiencing etc life etc EVEN THOUGH I SIMPLY JUST DONT WANT TO AND HAVE NO 'INTEREST' FOR AND JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT nor about absolutely anything else in general AND JUST DONT WANT TO 'EXPERIENCE'/'KNOW' 'ABOUT'/'LEARN' 'ABOUT'/'PARTICIPATE IN'/'BE PART OF'/'LIVE'/'DO'/'ENJOY'/'EXPLORE' ETC IT just because i was 'born' and 'exist' and my 'parents'/'family' want me to 'live'/'experience' etc 'life' etc and if i don't iTs bEcAuSe iM "sUfFeRiNg" aNd Or bEcAuSe oF wHaTeVeR oThEr 'rEaSoN' and don't want me to die and want me to 'enjoy', be 'happy', do "whatever/all/anything i want/like etc" and be "however/the way i want/like" and many other "pOsItIvE" things for me and blahblah and just because they'd be 'devastated' if i die.
i. simply. just. DONT??????? WHATS THE FCKING "pRoBlEm" WITH THAT?????? because i literally just cant fcking understand and never at all will why the fuck that ""iSnT pOsSiBlE"" and why tf there has to be a ""rEaSoN wHy"" yes or yes lol, thats nothing but a human invention but well, anyways I'm gonna be still trapped in this obligation that i can't just not care about/not want/not want to 'experience'|'live'|'participate in'|'be part of' etc [no matter how it is/how """gOoD""" or how """bAd"" it is/can be etc] and that's it WITHOUT being because of a reason/reasons no matter how many times i say that i simply just don't give a fuck about/don't want/don't have AND DONT WANT TO HAVE any 'interest' for etc absolutely literally ANYTHING at all in general 'regardless' how/what it is and what type of 'thing'/'place'/'activity' etc it is/can be and a laaaaarge etc lmao)) and there are many risks if i do it here because i could 'fail' as I wouldn't have enough time to 'prepare'/'plan' it well because I'm not alone and i could 'perfectly' get caught and be 'sent' to a 'psych ward' and all that fucking crap, and to 'avoid' all those 'risks'/'worries' I'd have to fcking 'work', have 'money' for a fcking 'house'/'apartment' and then 'wait' a lot of years until i actually have that fcking 'house'/'apartment' where i could finally attempt and die, but jfc before that could finally happen I'd first have had to fcking 'work' and 'wait' for a lot of years until the fcking 'house'/'apartment' is finally fcking 'finished', and i don't want to have to wait that long. And well, that's the reason i haven't attempted/"ctb"/died yet and also because my 'parents' 'adopted' a 'cat' that wants/loves me a lot and well, 'she' would be very 'sad' without me and blahblah. Anyways all this doesn't mean I'll never do it lmao, 'sorry' for them but i just don't want to 'experience' etc ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING and just don't want to 'exist' for fuck's sake, as fucking 'simple' as that. And the only reason i have a SI is because I'm not in some place just me alone where i wouldn't have to worry about getting caught nor any other risk. I'm not 'afraid' of death at all, im a bit 'scared' of the 'process' because of the pain and the fucking body because of its "nAtUrAl sUrViVaL iNsTiNcT" trying to stay alive at all costs that would make it harder for me to JUST GO FOR IT AND FINALLY DIE, so the 'strong' 'survival instinct' or whatever the fuck that means that the 'human body' "nAtUrAlLy" has would 'possibly' make me 'back out' and not do it [although if someone is really determined to, they'll 'surpass' or whatever tf that means the body's SI and just go for it and die, but my case is that i don't live alone so i can't really be that determined because there's a 'potential' risk of being found before I'm dead and would end up in a fucking psych ward, depending on the method i'd get 'brain damage' or be completely brain dead, which i don't give a damn fuck about lol but that would traumatize and shock my parents/family a lot so i want to avoid that too as much as possible, would end up on "sUiCiDe WaTcH" etc. To die is not easy at all unfortunately, no matter how much people say they don't have any SI at all and that it's "eAsY", yeah "easy" lmao, i fucking wish], but I'm not scared of death itself. And I HOPE that death isnt absolutely anything at all, just eternal nothingness and non-existence. Just because i haven't attempted yet/I'm not dead yet doesn't mean i dont want to die lmao. If it was that easy i wouldn't be here, and most of you wouldn't neither. So I'll never 'understand' 'people' who say that just because you haven't killed yourself yet means you don't want to die lol. Not only it takes 'determination' and 'will' (which i would have if it wasn't because i live with my parents and it's risky and hard as fuck to attempt here and if i die they'd find the body and get traumatized and blahblah), but also 'effort' and 'motivation' and 'planning' and all that fucking crap. If to die was actually that "easy" as 'people' claim and wasnt so fucking risky, I would've died a very long time ago without a doubt

I love your posts

 

[Zhontafly]

Because my wife and family are giving me immense emotional pressure not to. Also, my wife (she suffers from progressive MS) is demanding that she die with me and she is not ready to do it yet. So I am stuck in this hell (left side facial paralysis with synkinesis and epiphora,BP II, loss of hearing in my left ear, insomnia,rhinitis,dermatitis,undiagnosed stomach issues, mystery pain in my dick, chronic pain in my back, shoulders, right knee and foot, financial and economic hardship), cause admittedly I am a sucker and I care too much.

I have however reached the point to where I am sick of being the thoughtful and considerate nice guy sucker. It has cost me so much in life to not look out for my own interests, so I might end up giving all of them the middle finger and doing this on my own and finally for just myself.

 

[ZardozOmega]

I don't know. Fear maybe.

 

[Lmd]

Because I want to leave some money to my family. I will sell my things but that implies to clean and get things ready and I'm too lazy right now to do it. Probably It will ends with just cleaning my room and leaving everything behind but whatever I don't feel that bad to CTB right now

 

[Symbiote]

Question does come off as aggressive due to word usage so I'm hoping OP is not an English speaker lacking manners. I think for everyone it's going to come down to timing, current life choices, and the amount of suffering one is enduring in the present. Suffering comes and goes, within days, hours, seconds. One day you feel like you're going to kick the bucket, but the next day it lets off a bit that you don't have to pull the trigger. Sometimes a major positive life event occurs which gives you some leeway to think about things over. I have many methods of death, if I didn't have SN, I have a rope. If I didn't have a rope, I have suicide by cop. Great thing about being pro-choice is that it's my personal choice on when to die, not yours, not society, and definitely not by God. I'm giving myself 3-6 months to recover and play out the vision I have in my head of a better future. Flip of a coin, if it's tails - I die, if it's heads - I live.

 

[Jean Améry]

Your 'question' sounds rather agressive, loaded and derogatory. As if it's somehow obligatory to use whatever method as soon as it becomes available. Let alone fairly harsh methods such as shooting and jumping. Even SN might not be acceptable or feasible for some or they simply have their perfectly valid reason(s) to refrain from CTB. Whether for the time being or indefinitely.

People don't need to justify themselves to you or anyone else. It's surprising some actually do after the rude way you asked.

You might want to read up on the rules. Being disrespectful is not tolerated here. A lot of members already feel bad enough without being interrogated as to why they aren't dead yet. Especially the way you phrased it.

It's possible you didn't mean it that way in which case it might be a good idea to explain what you meant exactly and why you asked the question.

 

[user667]

waiting for saturday to ctb. i've had it for months but i haven't done it so far because i have little time alone and i'm scared i will get caught. if i had a gun i'd be dead already. oh and i don't have antiemetics and i'm worried i'm going to vomit and fail.

 

[currylover]

Because I dont have the AE for my SN :(

 

[Ksab]

Just got my SN yesterday, now all of a sudden I'm not in the worry of CTB. Maybe in a few days, a month or two, who knows.

 

[lost_soul83]

To everyone who owns a gun, has access to a really tall cliff, or has SN, why the hell are you still alive?

You have access to a sink don't you? You could plug it up, take in a breath of water and drown. So why are you still here??

 

[Lutembëe]

That damn SI, I'd be gone for a long time

 

[Symbiote]

You have access to a sink don't you? You could plug it up, take in a breath of water and drown. So why are you still here??

The headline for that would be comical...

"Man found drowned in kitchen sink, investigators baffled"

 

[Spiral]

You have access to a sink don't you? You could plug it up, take in a breath of water and drown. So why are you still here??

Do you think that would work? I would try it, but I'm 99% sure that I would pass out and fall over, then my lungs would contract and empty the water out, and I might not die.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You have access to a sink don't you? You could plug it up, take in a breath of water and drown. So why are you still here??

"You have a wall, don't you? Just run into it really fast, bro."
"If you want to die that badly just don't drink water for three days, bro!"
"You have nails, don't you? Just scratch until you reach your heart, bro!!!"

 

[x~Sophia~x]

"You have a wall, don't you? Just run into it really fast, bro."
"If you want to die that badly just don't drink water for three days, bro!"
"You have nails, don't you? Just scratch until you reach your heart, bro!!!"

You have a tv don't you? And a bath? Just run yourself a nice bubble bath, dive in, drop the TV in the bath, (ensure TV is switched on and plugged into electric supply) and watch those bubbles flyyyyy

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You have a tv don't you? And a bath? Just run yourself a nice bubble bath, dive in, drop the TV in the bath, (ensure TV is switched on and plugged into electric supply) and watch those bubbles flyyyyy

"Bro, I bet you could buy like a ton of toothpaste and like inject it into your brain man. What? Oh come on dude if you don't you have no excuses bro, then you don't really want to die man, come on buy the toothpaste bro!!!"

 

[Symbiote]

"Bro, I bet you could buy like a ton of toothpaste and like inject it into your brain man. What? Oh come on dude if you don't you have no excuses bro, then you don't really want to die man, come on buy the toothpaste bro!!!"

"Dude bro, just shove a sharpened pencil up your nose and slam your head on the desk, it should pierce your brain and you ded!"

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

"Dude bro, just shove a sharpened pencil up your nose and slam your head on the desk, it should pierce your brain and you ded!"

"Oh man. I guess if I had to commit suicide I'd just, like, take a yarn and like wrap it around my arm and blood would stop and then I'd release the yarn and it would all like rush to my brain and I'd die instantly. You have no excuses bro, I can think of ten reliable methods right now bro. I can just take that broom over there and sharpen it with that knife and like IMPALE MYSELF bro!"

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Dude bro, bro dude man, why you still here? You've got a chest freezer haven't you? Strip naked, jump in the freezer, and slam that door shut bro... life extinct.

"Oh man. I guess if I had to commit suicide I'd just, like, take a yarn and like wrap it around my arm and blood would stop and then I'd release the yarn and it would all like rush to my brain and I'd die instantly. You have no excuses bro, I can think of ten reliable methods right now bro. I can just take that broom over there and sharpen it with that knife and like IMPALE MYSELF bro!"

 

[Xx720]

1) I can't seem to find an accurate info on the dose. First I read 15gram but later read for my height/weight 5'11 249 lbs that that dose may be too low and extend suffering before death.

2) I have reglan but I'm scared I'll vomit up and if you are having dry heaves you aren't going to be able to drink another

3) I want to go as fast and easy as possible, so I keep considering charcoal in the car as an alternative as I'd fall asleep.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I'm still here because leaving my son is incredibly difficult. It's really as simple as that. I want to live for him, but I can't. And he will never understand that. My death will devastate him.

 

[hellodarkness]

Because, logistically speaking,the dead of winter is not the time for me to make a multi-day backcountry trek to the mountain pass of choice. Further the climb would be massively over complicated by ice and snow.

Summer is the best time for my plan to come together successfully. Intelligent design is kind of crucial to truly CTBing imo.

 

[aminend]

Honestly I still have a bit fear Of being failed attempt with any method. Anyway I'm near to my date and I'll do SN soon. I think SN is the best method for me

 

[loopylou]

Can't get benzos. I suffer really bad SI otherwise known as ' hope'