Not sure why I thought about that.
I belong to the group of people who have had a horrible life their entire life. I experienced a lot of domestic violence as child and cried a lot. Though, my mental health issues were not as severe. But the root for my pain probably lies in my childhood and teenage years.
I am not sure what really makes the difference between these groups. And they are certainly not homogenuous. Even though I had a horrible life there were good times. I was in a hypomanic episode for one year. A very long time period for such a state. It was after my first psychosis and something traumatizing triggered that episode. After my first year of major depression that felt like an extreme nightmare. I thought I recovered to a new normal high. But this was pretty deceiving. It was an illusion for me. I thought the crisis made me stronger and better. Honestly, I think my therapist and psychiatrist did a horrible job not noticing how I switched into a hypomanic episode.
I cannot really see that it was great that I had this time and that it made my life worth it. It was a pathological state that had to end in another major depression/crisis. I could induce such a state again though I will try to avoid it as good as possible. The bipolar highs are never (?) (at least not for me) worth the pain. For me the pain is bigger and no medication saved me from that.
I think it can help to have good memories. But it also might depend when the cut happens. I was 18 when my life collapsed. This is a sign for a bad indicator to have in such a young age a psychosis. It often shapes one's fate because thus far you did not have an income. When my therapist at the clinic had a conversation for differential diagnostic with me most indicators predicted me a very good future. I won't mention all of them but many indicators were very positive besides age and gender. However, it turned out I am a very severe case. My diagnosis changed to bipolar and I have a very severe case of bipolar similar to my grandma who lived all her life in a hospital. (Why did she have to procreate God damn it). And on top of that I had psychoses and I am on the autism spectrum. So fuck my life. My life quality is very poor.
I could imagine the transition can be very hard from a good life to a nightmare. My life was not good prior to my first psychosis. But I wasn't aware about bad it actually can get. I was pretty suicidal but I barely had information about methods and was way too overwhelmed to plan anything. I fantasized a lot about suicide at that time. I lurked on a suicide forum but fucked up the registration. You hear in some stories that people want to quit immediately when they realize their life is fucked. I am more of the type to stick to tiny pieces of hope. I realized in the last years only a miracle can actually save me. It must be very hurtful and sort of traumatitizing to lose a life you built through hard work and dedication. My attempt to make it backfired spectacularly after 3 years. It didn't save me from hard work though.
I am not sure whether suicide can really be explained with the help of such a dichotomy. In some sense it also feels like a false dichotomy. Because not a few people who become older suffer immense pain for example when they develop dementia. Or they have a loved one that suffers way too much and they have to experience it. In most lifes people are affected in some way by a tragedy some sooner, some later, some more directly, some more indirectly. And I think realizing that brings people down to earth. And I think this is something teenagers in puberty have to learn. Instead they have toxic coping skills such as bullying. I think I should cut it here. I have some work to do for today. In a good case I won't post again her this evening, in a bad case you will heard from me again.
I belong to the group of people who have had a horrible life their entire life. I experienced a lot of domestic violence as child and cried a lot. Though, my mental health issues were not as severe. But the root for my pain probably lies in my childhood and teenage years.
I am not sure what really makes the difference between these groups. And they are certainly not homogenuous. Even though I had a horrible life there were good times. I was in a hypomanic episode for one year. A very long time period for such a state. It was after my first psychosis and something traumatizing triggered that episode. After my first year of major depression that felt like an extreme nightmare. I thought I recovered to a new normal high. But this was pretty deceiving. It was an illusion for me. I thought the crisis made me stronger and better. Honestly, I think my therapist and psychiatrist did a horrible job not noticing how I switched into a hypomanic episode.
I cannot really see that it was great that I had this time and that it made my life worth it. It was a pathological state that had to end in another major depression/crisis. I could induce such a state again though I will try to avoid it as good as possible. The bipolar highs are never (?) (at least not for me) worth the pain. For me the pain is bigger and no medication saved me from that.
I think it can help to have good memories. But it also might depend when the cut happens. I was 18 when my life collapsed. This is a sign for a bad indicator to have in such a young age a psychosis. It often shapes one's fate because thus far you did not have an income. When my therapist at the clinic had a conversation for differential diagnostic with me most indicators predicted me a very good future. I won't mention all of them but many indicators were very positive besides age and gender. However, it turned out I am a very severe case. My diagnosis changed to bipolar and I have a very severe case of bipolar similar to my grandma who lived all her life in a hospital. (Why did she have to procreate God damn it). And on top of that I had psychoses and I am on the autism spectrum. So fuck my life. My life quality is very poor.
I could imagine the transition can be very hard from a good life to a nightmare. My life was not good prior to my first psychosis. But I wasn't aware about bad it actually can get. I was pretty suicidal but I barely had information about methods and was way too overwhelmed to plan anything. I fantasized a lot about suicide at that time. I lurked on a suicide forum but fucked up the registration. You hear in some stories that people want to quit immediately when they realize their life is fucked. I am more of the type to stick to tiny pieces of hope. I realized in the last years only a miracle can actually save me. It must be very hurtful and sort of traumatitizing to lose a life you built through hard work and dedication. My attempt to make it backfired spectacularly after 3 years. It didn't save me from hard work though.
I am not sure whether suicide can really be explained with the help of such a dichotomy. In some sense it also feels like a false dichotomy. Because not a few people who become older suffer immense pain for example when they develop dementia. Or they have a loved one that suffers way too much and they have to experience it. In most lifes people are affected in some way by a tragedy some sooner, some later, some more directly, some more indirectly. And I think realizing that brings people down to earth. And I think this is something teenagers in puberty have to learn. Instead they have toxic coping skills such as bullying. I think I should cut it here. I have some work to do for today. In a good case I won't post again her this evening, in a bad case you will heard from me again.
Last edited:
