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annxietty

annxietty

“Is there no way out of the mind?”
Mar 27, 2023
141
My grandpa just died.

When I entered this site I was still living with my grandparents and I was in a horrible situation, I lived with them for years, had a very crappy experience, the one that made my life a living hell for years was my grandpa, speaking ill of the dead is terrible so of course Im not going to say any of this outloud lol but Im not sad he is dead, in fact Im happy he died before my grandma, she deserves a little bit of peace before she has to go too... he was terrible to his wife, to his children, to me... he was horrible as a human being, I dont know how many times I wished he died before exiting that hell, how much did I self harm because I couldnt hit him so I had to cut myself... He was abusive, everyone knows it, but he died, so lets all pretend we are sad... shut the fuck up, I understand my grandma crying since it was a long time being together, my dad too since he was his only father and losing your father must be hard... but he was so terrible I just cant understand why are we all pretending we lost someone valuable today, we all wished he would just dissappear, he was mean to everyone... My sister hasnt lived with him like I did, and she is one of those "we have to respect the dead even if they werent perfect" people, she said crying "im just sad he died with everyone hating him" yeaahh I wonder whyyy, of course I have to shut up... now she came home and Im like "Im glad this happened with me being here and not there" and she was "Well Im sad three of my grandparents died and I couldnt go to any of their funerals" I had to bite my tongue, sis you can go to this one, yes is kinda expensive because is in Portugal and we are in Spain lol but you have money and we all know it, she was asked to go and she said no, I had to use all my will to ask her "then why are you not going?" you spend 300 euros to see a fucking football match but cant spend the same money on going to your very loved grandpa's funeral? thats weird huh... they say Im cold, that I have no feelings, and Im not even showing my true face in all this thing lmao, the only one I can talk freely about how I feel about this is my mom, since she understands, Im tired of blaming myself about everything I feel, about being judged and judging myself, everyone is fucking selfish when they want to, why cant I? Am I sad? hell no!! Im not!! am I happy? No, but I can say that If I were still living in that hellish place I would be crying but not from sadness but from happiness, and Im sad my grandma has to go through this but I hope she feels the freedom she deserved since a long time ago when she wanted to divorce this monster and no one supported her so she had to stay with him, I hope she can feel happy even if only in secret.

"Liars are bad", if you dont lie you better go die because life will be hell for you, because society expects you to become a liar, and not lying makes you look like the wrong one, like an outcast. I dont know how many times I wished to be normal, you know, a normal human being, well if you want to be normal, lie, and then say "god I hate liars", then lie again until you become a master at it, and you can even lie to yourself, thats normal here.

Poor grandpa, he wasnt perfect, but he loved us *sob* I hope he finds peace *sniff* buegh thank god Im not there, thank god I have an excuse to not go to the funeral, thank god I dont have to watch my father's face, is enough watching my sister's, my perfectly normal human being sister, who lies, and lies, and lies, and hates liars a lot.
 
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Reactions: Ash, thebelljarrr, rozeske and 1 other person
R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,264
Humans and their social norm is too complex and sometimes hard to fully understand. I never really do. You are valid in not finding the event saddening given your history with him. But people sometimes are not exactly grieving the deceased personally but just the idea of that person. They will be crying about the general saddening reality of our world, for the reminder of their own mortality. When someone is crying over the death of their father they may not technically be grieving that person but just over the general idea of a dad, over the reality of never ever having a dad, the idea of that door closing forever. Anyways, I am sorry for your loss, for your loss of a grandfather.
 

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