The exams come closer and I become very fragile. Something triggered me pretty hard today I became very paranoid. I could not focus anymore on college exercises. Well the hardest time of the semester is coming (more than a month to go) and I am unstable as fuck. I take 5 medication to sleep and I still I get not enough sleep. Two of them are very strong addictive medication but I only take the lowest dosage.
The problem is my schedule. I have to wake up early and that is a disaster for my mental health. This might trigger my relapse. I am very desperate what to do and there are not good solutions. I could quit college. Though it is my last chance to get a job. I think I won't do that. I could do nothing and go on like that. This would result in another psychosis which would force me to kill myself. So ladies and gentlemen here is my last hope. A combination of benzos and z-drugs (sleeping pills). I already take them. But I will increase the frequency and maybe the dosage. If I end up as an addict I will have to kill myself also. But I have a very good impulse control. After the exams I will quit the addictive medication immediately. In the last semesters this worked perfectly well. Though maybe I will have to go all out on them like never before. I was very paranoid today. I just wake up very early and the lack of sleep makes me very paranoid. The scary thing is even with these 5 medication (low dosage of a benzo and z-drug) I wake up very early roundabout 5 a.m.
I am very scared about addiction and there are many horror stories on the internet about withdrawal. Though I think objectively a psychosis would be way worse. I never was close to becoming an addict. Whereas I had two psychosis. There are many clinics online which describe how dangerous these medication are. Don't listen to me I am not an expert and these drugs have ruined thousands of lives. I kind of agree with my psychiatrist who has a liberal view on them. For me she is way too liberal. But I think my usage of them is very responsible. Online there are always so extreme cases described. On some pages it says you can become an addict when you take them 2 weeks straight only an half of the lowest dosage. On the other hand you read articles where people describe how benzos ruined their lives. Though the people in such articles took insane dosages. There is a vice article where woman took 3 times my dosage for 1,5 years. That such a usage ruins lives is not surprising to me.
I try not to fall for fear-mongering. I think such medication are very dangerous and I would never take them for fun. Though my illness is extremely aggressive and I cannot control it without the medication. I am still pretty scared about addiction. Maybe the following is silly. I listen to Juice WRLD and Lil Peep to ease my anxiety about addiction. One thing I feel like a rockstar when I take them. (Still I never take them for fun - it is rather a funny notion for me to have a rockstar lifestyle). I listen to for example Without my lean from Juice WRLD. I mean I am scared about benzos. Though these people took things I would never had the idea take them. Fucking opioids, codeine, crushed sweets with syrup. The idea to take something like that would never cross my mind. The people really have weird ideas. So I try to put my behavior into perspective. I am far away from a serious addiction. But I might be close to a new manic or psychotic episode. It is a fine line to walk.
The problem is my schedule. I have to wake up early and that is a disaster for my mental health. This might trigger my relapse. I am very desperate what to do and there are not good solutions. I could quit college. Though it is my last chance to get a job. I think I won't do that. I could do nothing and go on like that. This would result in another psychosis which would force me to kill myself. So ladies and gentlemen here is my last hope. A combination of benzos and z-drugs (sleeping pills). I already take them. But I will increase the frequency and maybe the dosage. If I end up as an addict I will have to kill myself also. But I have a very good impulse control. After the exams I will quit the addictive medication immediately. In the last semesters this worked perfectly well. Though maybe I will have to go all out on them like never before. I was very paranoid today. I just wake up very early and the lack of sleep makes me very paranoid. The scary thing is even with these 5 medication (low dosage of a benzo and z-drug) I wake up very early roundabout 5 a.m.
I am very scared about addiction and there are many horror stories on the internet about withdrawal. Though I think objectively a psychosis would be way worse. I never was close to becoming an addict. Whereas I had two psychosis. There are many clinics online which describe how dangerous these medication are. Don't listen to me I am not an expert and these drugs have ruined thousands of lives. I kind of agree with my psychiatrist who has a liberal view on them. For me she is way too liberal. But I think my usage of them is very responsible. Online there are always so extreme cases described. On some pages it says you can become an addict when you take them 2 weeks straight only an half of the lowest dosage. On the other hand you read articles where people describe how benzos ruined their lives. Though the people in such articles took insane dosages. There is a vice article where woman took 3 times my dosage for 1,5 years. That such a usage ruins lives is not surprising to me.
I try not to fall for fear-mongering. I think such medication are very dangerous and I would never take them for fun. Though my illness is extremely aggressive and I cannot control it without the medication. I am still pretty scared about addiction. Maybe the following is silly. I listen to Juice WRLD and Lil Peep to ease my anxiety about addiction. One thing I feel like a rockstar when I take them. (Still I never take them for fun - it is rather a funny notion for me to have a rockstar lifestyle). I listen to for example Without my lean from Juice WRLD. I mean I am scared about benzos. Though these people took things I would never had the idea take them. Fucking opioids, codeine, crushed sweets with syrup. The idea to take something like that would never cross my mind. The people really have weird ideas. So I try to put my behavior into perspective. I am far away from a serious addiction. But I might be close to a new manic or psychotic episode. It is a fine line to walk.
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