out of place

[ambivalent_thespian]

I feel like my journey kind of puts me out of place here. I can't relate like I used to be able to. I understand not everyone can just afford to drop everything and move to the beach to work their dream job for a summer. And like idk I wish more ppl could do that. because I was truly ready to end it all at the ripe age of 16. And for pretty justifiable reasons even looking back at it now. Like I pinky promise it was not just teen angst. And then it moved into "well maybe I dont need to die but I'm not super interested in life either". And then I managed to get my baseline back to happy instead of miserable. So I do think I might truly be in remission (at least from the depression, that ptsd ain't fucking going anywhere). Not just in a calm before the storm (or at least dear god I hope not because that low would be miserable after this long of being fine).

So yeah idk what happened really. It just, got better. Maybe it was just because I got better at actually doing stuff and not getting stuck in mental paralysis. Maybe it was something else. I'm not sure.

But yeah I like being here. it's not rlly triggering. I just find it odd to keep returning. Maybe I won't someday, but I like it here, and I would like to stay as long as I feel comfortable doing so,

 

[timf]

I can be possible to be swept up and carried along in life by currents that seem like a river. However, it is possible to learn to "swim" a bit and have a little bit of control. Some can even make it to "shore". It sounds like you were able to exercise enough control to find a better environment.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I keep thinking how this is probably the only place on earth I feel able to reveal my true self and plan for ending. I doubt I'll ever find someone in person. Community is such a weird thing. I have no friend so at least with this community I have connection to someone human while I work too preparer for the ending. I can't wait - giddy with the thought that silencing my brain will provide me with healing.