between-the-bars
Member
- Jul 2, 2026
- 5
I should, in theory, be the happiest I've ever been. I know I have potential, I know there's people that care. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm just the worst and shouldn't be here. That everything's pointless and the world is hopeless. That voice has been in my head since middle school, well over a decade ago now. There will be times where I can keep myself busy and drown out the bad thoughts, where I start to think I may be okay. But the urge always finds it way back. Could be the smallest thing that makes me spiral like a sad song, or nothing at all. The voice telling me the only way out is to ctb. That that's the only real ending that I'm supposed to have. The voice tells me that my family snd friends would be alright, and that soon they'd only thing about me on my birthday and after that I'd fade even deeper as they moved into their lives and careers. It starts to make more sense and become louder as the days go on. Maybe a bottle of bourbon, and a good look at the night sky isn't a bad last night before I check out. I haven't had a drink in a couple years now, but if there was ever an occasion to fall off the wagon that'd be it. There's a hidden legal pad in my bedroom of various notes and letter I've written the in past to family and friends for if and when I work myself up to doing it. All I'd have to do is drop it on my desk and take a drive into the woods. Sorry this rant is kind of all over the place. Just wanted to get some thoughts out. Anyone else feel like your brain won't let you get a foothold in the right direction without pulling you down deeper and deeper? Thanks for reading.
