Story One last attempt to get better - A small measure of peace before death.

[Dark Window]

I refuse to accept a quality of life that is this diminished. I'm not in excruciating pain, but I cannot work anymore without pain and discomfort that literally makes the rest of my time not worth living.

I know others suffer way worse than me but I don't care. It's not a fucking competition, it's a case of "can you work and function whilst also being able to enjoy life". Currently the answer is - not really.

My symptoms are running my life now. I cannot exercise anymore for relief because it brings on bad symptoms, meditation/mindfulness is not as effective anymore.

I live a very healthy lifestyle - No drugs, alcohol, cigs, nothing. I try to exercise as much as I can without making the symptoms terrible.

The things that used to bring me peace from my symptoms are now sometimes just making it worse.

----

I'm going to try one more time to see a doctor with notes full of my symptoms etc and see if they take me seriously, and I'm really going to try and communicate with my psychologist.

I really hope this works because I know life can be so beautiful sometimes. Really beautiful, and I want to enjoy life. I want to get better, but if not, then it's CTB for me.

But if these symptoms don't get better and even get worse then I'm just going to try and be grateful for the times I've had and then find a way to CTB as painlessly as possible recognising that I'll die anyway one day, we will all miss that vast majority of things the universe has to offer.

My plan

My symptoms feel life they're gradually getting worse, and if my attempts to get better in the coming months do not work, then I don't want to wait around to deteriorate further. I want to die on somewhat of a peaceful note.

I have savings enough to be able to not work at all for a while. I know that without work and other life stressors, it gives me the time to manage my symptoms to the degree that I can take some level of satisfaction and peace.

This is not sustainable long term, but it is temporarily.

I'm going to enjoy a small measure of peace and zen for a period of time in a healthy way. I could just go all out and binge alcohol and shit but I'm not going to. Maybe a little. I want the final period of my life to be reflective, and mindful and I want to look back on my life with gratitude.

I want to be able to look at life with appreciation despite the negatives and then die without regret, but I need to try to get better one last time before I can do this without conflict.

I can meditate and go to my favourite nature spots and make the symptoms go away for periods of time. I can listen to certain types of music once my symptoms are calm and find some level of beauty.

At times I've found moments of peace that made me still on the inside and made me have a complete lack of fear of death, like I was fulfilled for a small moment in time, although it didn't last... in those moments, if I was going to die, I wouldn't complain because at least I got to experience that.

Then I'm going to livestream my suicide to all of you, for your reference/education (may do it VIA SN so you can see how it goes), or just for your curiosity.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much and going through so much pain and discomfort. I'm not a doctor by any means and I'm sure you've already tried/thought of everything but have you considered medical marijuana? That supposedly is helpful for chronic pain without the negative effects and addictive qualities of prescription painkillers. Not trying to persuade you one way or another, just thought I'd mention that :)

Anyway, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, and I hope these coming months are good to you

 

[Dark Window]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much and going through so much pain and discomfort. I'm not a doctor by any means and I'm sure you've already tried/thought of everything but have you considered medical marijuana? That supposedly is helpful for chronic pain without the negative effects and addictive qualities of prescription painkillers. Not trying to persuade you one way or another, just thought I'd mention that :)

Anyway, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, and I hope these coming months are good to you

Nah. I want to get better. Really better. I'm willing to get accept certain symptoms but I aint gonna spend the rest of my life on drugs bro.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I can relate with the sentiment of trying one final time as I'm doing that myself, this month.

As for the public livestream of your eventual ctb, please don't, it's a private matter. Should be done privately, there are, um, creatures out on the internet who get off on this kind of things. I'm not kidding.

 

[Dark Window]

I can relate with the sentiment of trying one final time as I'm doing that myself, this month.

As for the public livestream of your eventual ctb, please don't, it's a private matter. Should be done privately, there are, um, creatures out on the internet who get off on this kind of things. I'm not kidding.

I know what you're talking about.

I will do it maybe in a private session. May do it with partners.