I have like severe anxiety and obsessions. And even one of my closest friends (I have extremely good friends) told my perfectionism is sort of my fault (in some instances). I was abused as a child for being not good enough. I am always very anxious because my nervous system is screwed.
I already studied two times as much so that I collapsed. I have extreme fear about failing an exam. An example: I woke at 4 a.m. with something like a panic attack being extremely anxious that I failed the exam despite the fact I had the perfect grade afterwards. My fear was the I forgot to put my name on it or some other formal mistakes.
I think my illness has an inner logic. As well as my suicidality (it gets more and more serious).
On the outside one just could think study less and everything will be fine. This is not exactly right. The truth is I have to find the sweet spot. Being prepared enough so that my anxiety is managable but not as much studying so that I collapse. And sadly this sweet spot is not that big.
If I don't prepare enough my anxiety goes through the roof. Insanely high. So much that I have extreme issues not to think about anything but college. I become extremely agitated and my drive to study becomes very strong. So much that I barely can resist. (This sounds so insane and sick thanks mom for beating me up daily since ther age of 5). All of that is totally pathological. On the outside is seems to easy. Just a simple solution was possible.
Before I experienced major depression I never could imagine how it feels like not being able to stand up from bed. Well now I know it. Mental illness is real. Mental illness is very real and serious.
I am pretty exhausted I will end it here.
I already studied two times as much so that I collapsed. I have extreme fear about failing an exam. An example: I woke at 4 a.m. with something like a panic attack being extremely anxious that I failed the exam despite the fact I had the perfect grade afterwards. My fear was the I forgot to put my name on it or some other formal mistakes.
I think my illness has an inner logic. As well as my suicidality (it gets more and more serious).
On the outside one just could think study less and everything will be fine. This is not exactly right. The truth is I have to find the sweet spot. Being prepared enough so that my anxiety is managable but not as much studying so that I collapse. And sadly this sweet spot is not that big.
If I don't prepare enough my anxiety goes through the roof. Insanely high. So much that I have extreme issues not to think about anything but college. I become extremely agitated and my drive to study becomes very strong. So much that I barely can resist. (This sounds so insane and sick thanks mom for beating me up daily since ther age of 5). All of that is totally pathological. On the outside is seems to easy. Just a simple solution was possible.
Before I experienced major depression I never could imagine how it feels like not being able to stand up from bed. Well now I know it. Mental illness is real. Mental illness is very real and serious.
I am pretty exhausted I will end it here.
