Lots of relatable replies here. I think that my own self hatred fluctuates as many others said. There are days I find everything about myself and my life so revolting that I wanna crawl out of my skin, those days I typically get as high as possible asap. The past couple months I'm reminded I'm occasionally useful to others and not complete trash, but I still wanna ctb when I'm no longer obligated to others, not too far in the future I think. My best friend is a therapist, I've known her since 4th grade, we used to get high together and found recovery separately. She's incredibly loving and brilliant, I respect and value what she says, but we'll sit on facetime and tell each other that "you were always the pretty one", "you do so much for others" or other random compliments, now we laugh at our misfortune about not being able to internalize any of those kind words to each other. Really cruel of life, to give bread with one hand only to smack it away with the other. The most poignant memory of self worth are the days preceding my recently aborted attempt, I realized that if I only had a couple days left and I wanted that time for myself, not waiting for stupid assholes and their stupid manipulation. That felt really good. I try to replicate it without having the ctb date, but I can't do it like that. There are things about myself I'll never forgive me for. There are things others condemn me for that I love about myself. Brings to mind that saying... "don't take insults from people you wouldn't take advice from", which is very true, but another skill I'll never adapt, unfortunately. fwiw I find value in what y'all said here, and more about you too, even from what little I know of other members.