I'm so terrified of my mother.

[ChocoPie]

Soo my mom wants me to get into a medical collage and she wants it too badly since my hardworking cousin achieved it already, I feel like she is always watching me, I've to study in the same room at night so she can keep an eye on me, even now I had to act like I'm studying while typing this by keeping my phone under my book, I know she isn't sleeping properly till I've studied enough for the night, I find her staring at me from time to time I know she is checking to see if I'm not doing anything else and I have to be very careful bcz if I get caught using phone instead of studying then she will get tooo angry at me and chances r I'll get beaten or atleast slapped hard.... I'm so so terrified at her, I've gotten beaten before but I still try to act all normal and tough.
One time I told her how her actions irritate me then she got so damn angry that she threw all my books at floor and said she would suicide if she was such a problem...I have to be so careful abt her...there r times when she acts all sweet and loving but it is easy to see through it, she acts like that so she can come near and see what I'm studying or if I'm not doing hiding anything under my book ( like my diary, journal, novel or phone basically anything unrelated to my syllabus).
She is also so agressive, whenever I try to argue with her she starts raising her voice and starts acting all intimidating, I hate how it makes me feel so small, I tried to grab her hands in the past when she was hitting me but that action made her so furious and she started hitting me harder, man....I was just trying to protect myself.

Why can't she understand that I'm am adult and that I need space too...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too ungrateful and I just deserve it all bcz I lie so many times abt studying, the guilt and self hatred gets so much that I start thinking that the beatings I got were fine as they help me with self hatred- atleast I got punished somehow...but in realtime I'm so afraid of her and getting beaten hurts.
I'm just do messed up... in the end th only thought that actually helps is that I'll CTB and everything would be over.


Edit- Now I feel so guilty abt sharing this, what if she gets sad when she gets to know I think this abt her ?
I'm feeling so bad rn...maybe she isn't so bad I just need to do better, uggghhhh I wish I could die rn, damnit I'm spiralling again.

 

[derpyderpins]

The behavior isn't acceptable. Beating or hitting you removes her right to complain at all.

Just wanted to get that out of the way. I have a lot to say in response to this, and my normal thing would be to write something super long. My relationship with my mother birthed a lot of the issues that I have, and she never once hit me, but the fear, the hovering, the never being able to rest because she's watching and does not give you a feeling of security - it's something I really feel, and it's never left.

I could've written a lot of your post. I've never been able to stop feeling the guilt, but in my 30s now, dealing with depression and anxiety over 20 years without divulging it to her, I can tell you that I know intellectually that the guilt is not warranted, and yours isn't either. I don't have a way to make it go away, but you don't deserve it.