Venting Okay

[ABadPerson]

I can't be bothered with writing the usual structure right now my head is crushing me too bad. Its funny how often people recommend mental health institutions yet each and every time it has failed me or made me worse, SSRIs causing me psychosis is not what I expected from 'help'. I've tried so much, all the different methods people have said, all the dumb 'advice' imaginable and now I realise how unfixable I really am; maybe it's due to institutes being used to common depression, and I'm not as externally unstable as others typically are, I've tried to ask for Bupropion as that's more inline with my genuine state yet been either refused or constantly pushed back in that regards, just constantly switching between med after med which only makes me seem to go more and more insane it is genuinely fucking with my mental state so bad I hardly can even mental function properly anymore, it's like a real physical block stopping me from so many activities I used to at least be able to push through, now it's devoid. My brain is empty, constantly having weird sensations that are close to pain yet isnt, hallucinations that I would quickly snap out of, episodes where I can hardly even see people as people yet this is supposed to be helping me? I never saw any point in any of this in the first place and only was forced to reach out yet now that I have experienced all of this for the majority of my life I just want it to end, I always knew it would never really helped but I expected at least it would make life a bit more tolerable right? It makes me regret failing my only attempt even more, I should've just died. People must feel so proud of themselves pushing others towards the trap that is the mental health institutes all over UK, like saviours for telling others to 'get therapy' or start meds when this seems to be the common outcome for more severe depression, start a hobby? I lost all dopamine now, my serotonin levels are utterly fucked, none of this means anything to me, why would it help? I have tried so many yet lost interest in them all, stupid as fuck I don't care about any of this I don't care about love or interests or dreams or goals I genuinely feel nothing even as people show interest in me or give out compliments I just don't care why am i like this I'm going to break, it's just a constant agonising pressure weighing on my mind everyday.

 

[Chemi]

Bupropion has been pretty good to me. Tried 5 different meds against depression, which all worsened my mood quite drastically. Bupropion was the first that actually helped. Other than that, lithium and aripiprazole helped as well by just numbing me out extremely, but they aren't really comparable to SSRI.
Keep trying to get some Bupropion. It's definitely worth a shot!