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slamjoetry
Nobody likes you when you're 23
- Apr 19, 2024
- 42
So six months ago, my ex cut me off after a two year long relationship. During that time, we argued and fought constantly, it was awful. We both constantly tried expressing our communication needs to each other but never understood. It's important to note that both of us had emotionally abusive parents (this is also a major factor in my depression and suicidal thoughts). My father has made good progress on improving himself since my childhood. He's definitely not perfect, but the difference in the way he talks to me in the past few years is vast.
My mom on the other hand... Lately, I've been getting into the same huge arguments with her. I've been doing my absolute best to remain level-headed during these arguments, and by doing this I've managed to notice something extremely important. The way she argues with me is extremely manipulative. She gaslights, moves goalposts, and gets really nasty. And it all felt so familiar. Not just because it's the way she's always argued with me, but also because it's the way I argued with my ex. It's the way I've always argued with everyone. It's why I've lost all of my prior friendships and ended up completely alone. I realized that I picked up all of her toxic traits and used them to abuse people important to me in the same way. I've never felt so awful. But it's also given me motivation to improve myself and change my ways. I want to make efforts to manage my emotions better, become a better listener, be more constructive rather than destructive, and see my loved ones as people I disagree with rather than as my enemies. I'm also planning on further distancing myself from my mother. I think this will help with my mental state and personal growth, and hopefully it gets my mom to think more before she speaks, and maybe I could actually have a relationship with her in the future like I do now with my dad.
I'll never be able to heal the pain I caused my ex and other people I was close to in the past, but I can make damn sure it doesn't happen again. I will break the cycle of abuse, and I won't be defined by my parents' mistakes anymore. I will rise above.
My mom on the other hand... Lately, I've been getting into the same huge arguments with her. I've been doing my absolute best to remain level-headed during these arguments, and by doing this I've managed to notice something extremely important. The way she argues with me is extremely manipulative. She gaslights, moves goalposts, and gets really nasty. And it all felt so familiar. Not just because it's the way she's always argued with me, but also because it's the way I argued with my ex. It's the way I've always argued with everyone. It's why I've lost all of my prior friendships and ended up completely alone. I realized that I picked up all of her toxic traits and used them to abuse people important to me in the same way. I've never felt so awful. But it's also given me motivation to improve myself and change my ways. I want to make efforts to manage my emotions better, become a better listener, be more constructive rather than destructive, and see my loved ones as people I disagree with rather than as my enemies. I'm also planning on further distancing myself from my mother. I think this will help with my mental state and personal growth, and hopefully it gets my mom to think more before she speaks, and maybe I could actually have a relationship with her in the future like I do now with my dad.
I'll never be able to heal the pain I caused my ex and other people I was close to in the past, but I can make damn sure it doesn't happen again. I will break the cycle of abuse, and I won't be defined by my parents' mistakes anymore. I will rise above.