PimpHand
Member
- Dec 24, 2022
- 70
Anxiety destroys me.
If I send a message and the person does not reply, I get extremely anxious.
I start to create theories.
"What did I do?", "Did I say something wrong?", "Did this person not like me?"
But as much as I'm anxious, I'm violent.
I suffered several domestic abuse and bullying. I had no "safe zone". I had to be alert all the time. Everyone could be planning to humiliate me, mock me, beat me. Anything I said to mom could make her become violent.
My mom tried suicide in front of me when I was 12. Before that, she went on and broke a chair because she wanted to beat me, but couldn't.
Once she beat me so hard my nose would not stop bleeding
How could I defend myself? By being violent. By being a Pinscher. The Pinscher knows he's small and weak. But he doesn't let his guard down. That's what I became. Not being vulnerable, if someone slaps you once, you slap twice. Doesn't matter the size or force of the enemy.
I engaged in a war agaisnt everyone. I used disgusting tactics. But it worked. People feared me. Even my mom.
I became a violent anxious and depressed autistic man. Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be near me. People fear me.
I had so many people to come and go. Because I would do things like yell at the teacher and punch the table so hard my hand would be in pain for days.
I created a personality and can't leave it anymore. It's part of my identity. I am nothing without it.
I don't know how to heal, and even if healing is possible. I have money, but most professionals can't even understand me. Anxiety is so hard, it looks like I'm a completely different being a week later.
I don't have BPD. I know I don't have. It's just anxiety, depression, autism and trauma.
If I send a message and the person does not reply, I get extremely anxious.
I start to create theories.
"What did I do?", "Did I say something wrong?", "Did this person not like me?"
But as much as I'm anxious, I'm violent.
I suffered several domestic abuse and bullying. I had no "safe zone". I had to be alert all the time. Everyone could be planning to humiliate me, mock me, beat me. Anything I said to mom could make her become violent.
My mom tried suicide in front of me when I was 12. Before that, she went on and broke a chair because she wanted to beat me, but couldn't.
Once she beat me so hard my nose would not stop bleeding
How could I defend myself? By being violent. By being a Pinscher. The Pinscher knows he's small and weak. But he doesn't let his guard down. That's what I became. Not being vulnerable, if someone slaps you once, you slap twice. Doesn't matter the size or force of the enemy.
I engaged in a war agaisnt everyone. I used disgusting tactics. But it worked. People feared me. Even my mom.
I became a violent anxious and depressed autistic man. Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be near me. People fear me.
I had so many people to come and go. Because I would do things like yell at the teacher and punch the table so hard my hand would be in pain for days.
I created a personality and can't leave it anymore. It's part of my identity. I am nothing without it.
I don't know how to heal, and even if healing is possible. I have money, but most professionals can't even understand me. Anxiety is so hard, it looks like I'm a completely different being a week later.
I don't have BPD. I know I don't have. It's just anxiety, depression, autism and trauma.
