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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 248
My expiry date of choice. My worldview as of late can be summarised by the First Noble Truth of Buddhism which essentially states that "that life contains inevitable, unavoidable suffering" and although I'm neither Buddhist nor religious in the slightest, I hope to achieve my own version of enlightenment and peace through CTB. It's been a long life thus far, despite my suffering not even being two decades yet, but I have decided to wave the white flag and stop trying to deny fate. Some people were just destined to die young and I am one of them. I longed for a future where I'd maybe be a writer, or perhaps, a history or science professor. I would have my own little family with children and give these children the childhood I never had. I would have read to them at night and threw them birthday parties. I would have been a shoulder to cry on when life felt too difficult. I would have told them I loved them as much as I possibly could to ensure they never felt less than. But this won't happen as I'm in the midst of my CTB plan and no longer envision a future for myself.
A tiny part of me still wants to give life another shot but I know that's just my SI leading me on. Making me delusional. My continued existence means continued suffering and I'm not sure how much more abuse, torment and humiliation I can take. I am beyond repair at this point. Some may say I'm throwing away the only life I'm ever going to get but is that supposed to scare me out of doing it? So far, this life has been nothing but physical and psychological suffering and I yearn to be further and further away from it with each passing day.
I spent last night learning how to tie different types of ropes for when the day finally comes. My melatonin should be arriving between late September to early October so just waiting on that. I ordered a nice-looking travel bag from Amazon to avoid looking suspicious when I check into the hotel. I'm gonna wear a blazer, glasses and a forced smile just so I look like I belong but little would anyone know, my bag will be filled with my CTB kit buried underneath clothing I'm never going to wear ever again.
I can't wait to be free from this life.
A tiny part of me still wants to give life another shot but I know that's just my SI leading me on. Making me delusional. My continued existence means continued suffering and I'm not sure how much more abuse, torment and humiliation I can take. I am beyond repair at this point. Some may say I'm throwing away the only life I'm ever going to get but is that supposed to scare me out of doing it? So far, this life has been nothing but physical and psychological suffering and I yearn to be further and further away from it with each passing day.
I spent last night learning how to tie different types of ropes for when the day finally comes. My melatonin should be arriving between late September to early October so just waiting on that. I ordered a nice-looking travel bag from Amazon to avoid looking suspicious when I check into the hotel. I'm gonna wear a blazer, glasses and a forced smile just so I look like I belong but little would anyone know, my bag will be filled with my CTB kit buried underneath clothing I'm never going to wear ever again.
I can't wait to be free from this life.
