Venting Numbness and feeling surreal

[returntostardust]

I'm posting this as it's been on my mind quite often recently, also trying to see if anyone else has any similar experience/suggestions.

Depression and other mental illnesses have been hovering over me for a very long time now, and they have made me extremely numb to many things to a point where it's honestly debilitating.
It feels like even when I'm not medicated, disassociating, or experiencing maladaptive daydreaming, I am still stuck in a dissasociative state, if that makes any sense.

Everything feels so distant and surreal, same goes for many of my emotions.
I live and breathe stress on a regular day to day basis, yet I can barely register it. It feels as if some of my emotional responses are a facade (on some days more than others), which I'm so used to acting out I cannot tell if it's genuine anymore.
I'm carrying out learned actions when I laugh, act surprised or concerned, doesn't matter if it's something I definitely should care about or not. Sometimes my chest feels so hollow it even throws me off.

I am not saying I don't feel anything, but it's definitely not as strong as it should probably be.

Tbh even on days where it feels fine, the sense of disassociation and not actually being there is still persistent, this lowkey creates a gnawing need to "wake up", so I rub my eyes, I look around, blink several times and shake my head, but it just doesn't go away. (This does not help my crazed theories that we are all in a 1st person game simulation :/)

Honestly I don't even know if it's a result of something like..trauma, or if it's something else. In comparison to being on antidepressants it is completely less severe, yet it won't stop bothering me.

 

[Hollowman]

I have similar experiences but unfortunately no suggestions. Hopefully you'll have better luck than me.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Even when I'm not dissociating, I'm dissociating in another way. Never completely here. Everything is so distant, I can't recognize myself or my memories. Yet somehow I experience so much anxiety about things I can't even remember right now. But when I remember, it's unbearable and I immediately go back to dissociating, leaving my life a disaster because I can't confront anything.
I struggle to "wake up" too like you said.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts that I could relate to. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I wish you the best.

 

[returntostardust]

I understand and feel for you. It does seem like this is partially the consequence of constant anxiety.
I do relate to not being confrontational with things that cause stress, in return causing even more stress, in a perpetual cycle.
Thank you a lot for sharing

 

[James15]

I'm posting this as it's been on my mind quite often recently, also trying to see if anyone else has any similar experience/suggestions.

Depression and other mental illnesses have been hovering over me for a very long time now, and they have made me extremely numb to many things to a point where it's honestly debilitating.
It feels like even when I'm not medicated, disassociating, or experiencing maladaptive daydreaming, I am still stuck in a dissasociative state, if that makes any sense.

Everything feels so distant and surreal, same goes for many of my emotions.
I live and breathe stress on a regular day to day basis, yet I can barely register it. It feels as if some of my emotional responses are a facade (on some days more than others), which I'm so used to acting out I cannot tell if it's genuine anymore.
I'm carrying out learned actions when I laugh, act surprised or concerned, doesn't matter if it's something I definitely should care about or not. Sometimes my chest feels so hollow it even throws me off.

I am not saying I don't feel anything, but it's definitely not as strong as it should probably be.

Tbh even on days where it feels fine, the sense of disassociation and not actually being there is still persistent, this lowkey creates a gnawing need to "wake up", so I rub my eyes, I look around, blink several times and shake my head, but it just doesn't go away. (This does not help my crazed theories that we are all in a 1st person game simulation :/)

Honestly I don't even know if it's a result of something like..trauma, or if it's something else. In comparison to being on antidepressants it is completely less severe, yet it won't stop bothering me.

i cant completely relate to you. I suffer from DPDR and its like the world is a dream. It came from trauma for me and i have to constantly take drugs to feel anything

 

[James15]

I'm posting this as it's been on my mind quite often recently, also trying to see if anyone else has any similar experience/suggestions.

Depression and other mental illnesses have been hovering over me for a very long time now, and they have made me extremely numb to many things to a point where it's honestly debilitating.
It feels like even when I'm not medicated, disassociating, or experiencing maladaptive daydreaming, I am still stuck in a dissasociative state, if that makes any sense.

Everything feels so distant and surreal, same goes for many of my emotions.
I live and breathe stress on a regular day to day basis, yet I can barely register it. It feels as if some of my emotional responses are a facade (on some days more than others), which I'm so used to acting out I cannot tell if it's genuine anymore.
I'm carrying out learned actions when I laugh, act surprised or concerned, doesn't matter if it's something I definitely should care about or not. Sometimes my chest feels so hollow it even throws me off.

I am not saying I don't feel anything, but it's definitely not as strong as it should probably be.

Tbh even on days where it feels fine, the sense of disassociation and not actually being there is still persistent, this lowkey creates a gnawing need to "wake up", so I rub my eyes, I look around, blink several times and shake my head, but it just doesn't go away. (This does not help my crazed theories that we are all in a 1st person game simulation :/)

Honestly I don't even know if it's a result of something like..trauma, or if it's something else. In comparison to being on antidepressants it is completely less severe, yet it won't stop bothering me.

sorry meant to say i Can relate, oops

 

[returntostardust]

i cant completely relate to you. I suffer from DPDR and its like the world is a dream. It came from trauma for me and i have to constantly take drugs to feel anything

DPDR is so exhausting, I wish there were easier treatments and more support for this. I send you best wishes, thank you for sharing

 

[James15]

DPDR is so exhausting, I wish there were easier treatments and more support for this. I send you best wishes, thank you for sharing

Yes :( i have spoken to a few doctors and it seems like they dont want anything to do with it unfortunately. Best wishes to you too Stardust.

 

[Forveleth]

I have had depression for 25 years but it was not until a particularly bad time in 2019 that I started really dissociating. I felt like life was just a dream, like my brain and body were not longer connected as a single entity. I actually ended up losing memory for a couple of months. Since then I have noticed my brain has started to use dissociation to deal with depression and anxiety. It sounds like you are in a similar situation.

The advice I can give is to recognize that your brain feels overloaded and is trying to protect itself. The only way I have found to kick me out of it is to deal with the negative external stimuli, usually by attempting to better handle my stress. Some things I do:

• Typical task handling techniques. Break things down into smaller steps, make lists, try to prioritize, focus on one thing at a time.
• Do not rely on your memory. Take some pressure off yourself by writing down everything so you do not have to worry about remembering it.
• Clear your calendar if possible. Push deadlines if you can. Cancel social engagements. I even keep my fun time pretty low-key with simple activities.
• Advise anyone you spend time with that you are struggling. I realize this is not always possible. I have some coworkers that are very understanding and on bad days I let them know that I am going to be a little slow/out of it that day. If I can, I try to take a half day just to give my brain a break.

Typical grounding techniques can really help. Breathing, medication, yoga, anything that tries to bring your mind to a single, tangible thing. I have found going for a walk outside really helps, even a short one. Scents also really help me. Spearmint is particularly useful so I sniff some spearmint oil or eat a spearmint mint.

It sucks what you are going through. I can relate.