Rainork
What a load of baloney
- Mar 17, 2023
- 142
Been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks (or a week and a half? Idek) and as I've been coming down from everything I took/everything I was given I'm currently in a mental space worse than I've felt for agers.
I had a good week of heavy hallucinations, which I'm still trying to work out what happened and what didn't and that really isn't helping with anything.
The power of where I go from here is in my hands and I kind of hate that.
I have the option of inpatient which is realistically my 'best option' but I have also heard horror stories that have always scared me away from that option.
What my brain really wants? To tell everyone that this has given me the realistic push forwards that I needed and that I'm ready to really try- so I will be left alone and not fuck it up again.
Also, being in a critical care unit (not psych at all) I am surrounded by potential methods. Anchor points in fully lockable toilets (yes, I tested them and they take my weight easily) and various items I could use for full/part suspension. A remote with fully accessible batteries, hell, there's even unlocked drawers all around me full of various meds and things (including empty needles) and although I will hopefully be out soon, feeling this stuck is hell (I can't leave the ward alone so I'm not really monitored but I'm still being caged in). I think all of these things ontop of the mad chemical imbalance has got me in a place of desperation I've never experienced before. (And yes I know most of these are non-methods and are looking tempting purely from my current desperation)
I have always said I would never take my life in an impulsive way, but let me just say, right now I 100% understand why repeat attempts soon after a failed attempt are so high.
Because fuck everything about this.
Oh and I miss my cat.
I had a good week of heavy hallucinations, which I'm still trying to work out what happened and what didn't and that really isn't helping with anything.
The power of where I go from here is in my hands and I kind of hate that.
I have the option of inpatient which is realistically my 'best option' but I have also heard horror stories that have always scared me away from that option.
What my brain really wants? To tell everyone that this has given me the realistic push forwards that I needed and that I'm ready to really try- so I will be left alone and not fuck it up again.
Also, being in a critical care unit (not psych at all) I am surrounded by potential methods. Anchor points in fully lockable toilets (yes, I tested them and they take my weight easily) and various items I could use for full/part suspension. A remote with fully accessible batteries, hell, there's even unlocked drawers all around me full of various meds and things (including empty needles) and although I will hopefully be out soon, feeling this stuck is hell (I can't leave the ward alone so I'm not really monitored but I'm still being caged in). I think all of these things ontop of the mad chemical imbalance has got me in a place of desperation I've never experienced before. (And yes I know most of these are non-methods and are looking tempting purely from my current desperation)
I have always said I would never take my life in an impulsive way, but let me just say, right now I 100% understand why repeat attempts soon after a failed attempt are so high.
Because fuck everything about this.
Oh and I miss my cat.
