Help Note to someone not in my life — Bad or Good?

[meatfleshprison]

My suicide is inching closer and closer as I receive more answers and everything I need. I'm writing my notes and while I'm already struggling with what to write, I'm struggling even harder deciding if I should leave a certain someone their own note.

As I've stated in previous posts, my boyfriend who I knew for 5 years and dated for nearly 4 left me recently. I'm struggling to grasp this situation still, though it's not the reason I'm ctbing. I don't know if it's worth it to write him anything. We're not on good terms and I doubt we'll ever return to that point. I've tried to accept not leaving him a note, but it just feels impossible not to. I'm scared to leave this world without a final goodbye.

But it feels selfish, like I'm only doing it for myself. I'm conflicted on so many things, he says he doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me, but has stated that he still cares about me. If I don't leave him anything, the word of my death will eventually wrap around to him. I don't know how he's going to react. I tell myself that he won't care at all and that it's not worth writing, but I also tell myself that if I don't tell him he'll forever blame himself.

Is a quick message enough? "I'm leaving this world, with an attempt that's sure to work. I love you more than anything. Don't blame yourself for this." It feels disingenuous to leave something so short. I'm known for long and outdrawn messages. I don't know. Can anyone help?

 

[Disaster]

Is he likely to even learn that you CTB-ed? I guess wanting to have nothing to do with someone includes not wanting to get mail from them, including the suicide notes. Consent is a thing, and I don't see anything remarkable enough here to bother him against his will.
If he's likely to learn about your death, does he have an option to discuss it with someone closer to you? If so, you could arrange some way of delivering him a note, if he wants to read it. Or ask in a note to someone closer to you to tell him, if he ever asks, that you didn't blame him. You may have other option than throwing in the face of someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with you, any sort of correspondence. Including the notes. We have to respect the consent in such "minor" things if we want our decisions about ending our lives to be respected.

 

[meatfleshprison]

Is he likely to even learn that you CTB-ed? I guess wanting to have nothing to do with someone includes not wanting to get mail from them, including the suicide notes. Consent is a thing, and I don't see anything remarkable enough here to bother him against his will.
If he's likely to learn about your death, does he have an option to discuss it with someone closer to you? If so, you could arrange some way of delivering him a note, if he wants to read it. Or ask in a note to someone closer to you to tell him, if he ever asks, that you didn't blame him. You may have other option than throwing in the face of someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with you, any sort of correspondence. Including the notes. We have to respect the consent in such "minor" things if we want our decisions about ending our lives to be respected.

That's very true. To be completely honest, I don't even know if any of my friends would notice that I CTB-ed if I didn't tell them I was going to. I guess I could leave a friend a note instead but I don't really desire to write a note for them at all, they're not very dear to me.

It's all very conflicting. I don't actually know if it's worth it. The only people that will know I killed myself are family members. Should I just leave them a note? It's still uneasy thinking about leaving this world without a final goodbye to him.

 

[Disaster]

That's very true. To be completely honest, I don't even know if any of my friends would notice that I CTB-ed if I didn't tell them I was going to. I guess I could leave a friend a note instead but I don't really desire to write a note for them at all, they're not very dear to me.

It's all very conflicting. I don't actually know if it's worth it. The only people that will know I killed myself are family members. Should I just leave them a note? It's still uneasy thinking about leaving this world without a final goodbye to him.

I really don't think that "wanting to say goodbye" is a valid reason to reach out people who explicitly told you to not contact them. For the ones who hasn't expressed the desire to be left alone, sure, but I don't see a reason for wanting something badly to override someones boundary. Why would what you want be more important what he does?

 

[meatfleshprison]

I really don't think that "wanting to say goodbye" is a valid reason to reach out people who explicitly told you to not contact them. For the ones who hasn't expressed the desire to be left alone, sure, but I don't see a reason for wanting something badly to override someones boundary. Why would what you want be more important what he does?

You're very right. I just have such confused feelings right now. I don't think I'll leave him anything, I think it's better that he lives not knowing anyway.

 

[Disaster]

You can write what you'd like to tell him - and not send it.

 

[TAW122]

Ultimately, writing a note to anyone (in your life or not) is a personal decision. Like @Disaster said, you can write a note, but not send it. I've done similar things too in the past and that was before I changed my stance on whether to leave a note or not. Even when I do (inevitably) go and CTB, I personally wouldn't write a note for several reasons, people will miss the point ('reasons are subjective and valid for the individual and of course is secondary towards the act of ctb, the act of ctb itself is the ultimate expression of free will as well as overcoming the most difficult instinct of the human organism (or rather all living organisms), people won't really get and also if CTB'd, I wouldn't be around to experience it either, etc.). Therefore, for me it wouldn't do much to write to the people in my life or even those who are out of my life; however, I do make a exception for SaSu itself because this place is like my real home where I find true validation, understanding, empathy, and real support and respect with my decision (to CTB).

 

[SoftWorries]

If it was me I wouldn't leave him a note. I don't think the purpose of notes is to comfort yourself I think it's too give clarity to the people who will miss you.

It seems like leaving him a note about how you love him will just create survivors guilt.

As someone who has been abused by suicidal people and who has had those people contribute to my own suicidal feelings I think you should listen to the other posts about consent. I recently had an ex come to my door to try to talk to me and when I refused through the door send me emails about how he wanted to talk one more time before dying. He has done this for years.

I've written to him since that he needs to respect that I want to write my own life narrative and that I don't want to be a character in his life anymore. If your ex doesn't want anything more to do with you it's their choice. I don't think it's good not to respect that choice and if they end up with trauma over it it could even lean into abuse.

 

[Das Nichts]

I did write one an put it in a box with presents she did not take with her. It's easy to discover if someone takes a closer look. Maybe it will find it's way to her maybe not.