Venting Not wanting to CTB impulsively

[4colliez]

all my attempts were done impulsively and that's mostly why it never worked, i was never prepared. i'm mostly trying to recover now and hopefully back in specialised therapy soon but i still have stashes for methods that will work. like if i tried to ctb now i would be dead. but i also know that i want to die at every minor incident and i know that's because of my disorder. i just got really hurt and upset and i genuinely want to die right now and i'll want to until i know things are resolved and things will be okay.

i am unable to deal with these feelings and at every attempt it was because i was feeling such strong emotional pain that the only solution was to ctb. now i can kind of rationalise that things will be okay later and i don't need to, i jsut need to survive this hard moment. but the only way i can deal with the pain is to sh. so i'll cut, then i'll walk around aimlessly alone in the middle of the night, then the next day i'll starve myself, i'll go to the gym and exercise to the point of exhaustion. then i end up resolving my problem and the pain vanishes quickly. then i'll look at the cuts, realise how weak i feel, i have a fever and my head hurts. i look at my dog who would probably go into depression herself if i just disappeared

and i think honestly wtf is wrong with me? everytime something happens i paralyse myself and can't do anything other than hurt myself and be miserable. i'm fucking up my body. i'm fucking up my studies. why can't i be normal or why can't i just do it ?

 

[COP2CON]

Normal is over rated. I'd settle for "quirky". I have felt the same way and done the same things so I know where your coming from. I won't get preachy but if always believed in these situations, it means your supposed to be here. If nothing else, then to take of your awesome and wonderful dog. Nothing is wrong with you. U feel, you react. Its just a matter of how. No mental health professional would agree with me but if whatever your doing is keeping you here, then I think its better than other options. I'm sorry u feel bad and I'm sorry for your pains. Just know someone out there knows what its like. I'm thinking of you and hope you gain some peace from all this negativity. I care about you even though that sounds stupid.

 

[4colliez]

Normal is over rated. I'd settle for "quirky". I have felt the same way and done the same things so I know where your coming from. I won't get preachy but if always believed in these situations, it means your supposed to be here. If nothing else, then to take of your awesome and wonderful dog. Nothing is wrong with you. U feel, you react. Its just a matter of how. No mental health professional would agree with me but if whatever your doing is keeping you here, then I think its better than other options. I'm sorry u feel bad and I'm sorry for your pains. Just know someone out there knows what its like. I'm thinking of you and hope you gain some peace from all this negativity. I care about you even though that sounds stupid.

Thank you. it's more like, honestly i know one day i'll ctb because i don't see a future. but i want to do it when i'm ready and sure of myself. and if i'm never ready or never sure then i guess i'll keep going. i'm just scared of doing something in the heat of the moment because of how intense everything becomes. i also hate that the only way i can cope is to hurt myself and then later realise it was all kind of useless and dramatic