Venting Not ready to die

[timetodie24]

As the deadline approaches (I have no choice as have to save the world from disaster), I realise I'm not ready. I have no idea why as I really don't want to be alive, I have no desire for any of life, and I've attempted before. But some pathetic part of me is holding on. I'm scared and not ready to go but I don't have a choice. I've tried but professionals can't help (yes i've been getting help for 'psychosis' so dont bother suggesting that). I have to find the courage. I wish someone could help me save the world and take that responsibility from me. But no one can. I don't want to live anyone but I'm not really ready to die. And i'm so scared for others getting caught up in my method but it's the way it is already set by those who control the world and nothing I can do. I don't know what I want anymore and scared to die. But its false as i'm not real so not really dying I guess, just exiting system.
I wish someone could help me instead as I don't want to go out like this with so much confusion but no one can. Why do I wish someone could 'save' me ? Pathetic. It's just SI .
I have no choice and it's naive to pretend otherwise. I can do it , I've had attempts before, this way should actually be easier . I'll get a bit drunk too and i'll be ready.

Sorry rambling. Just trying to figure this out in my head somehow . Tldr: i need to stop being a weak coward and do it , no one is going to 'save' me , i'm an evil entity and this isn't some fairytale .

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

It's probably our will to actually live and survive that's holding you away. It's like that for me too; it's probably that one tiny bit of hope and SI that's still inside of us, that wants us alive.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

No judgement whatsoever here mostly just curious. Why do you have to die to save the world?

 

[cohomology]

OP, your actions or lack thereof won't have any effect upon any disaster that you're imagining. It's clear that you are experiencing psychosis and need help with your mental health. Please seek professional help. We're all rooting for you.

 

[reversebandaid]

Its not pathetic. Its just sadly natural to hold on to life. I don't think you have to die for others sake thou even if you have psychosis.

 

[cohomology]

Its not pathetic. Its just sadly natural to hold on to life. I don't think you have to die for others sake thou even if you have psychosis.

Exactly. I'm sorry that you're experiencing pain OP, but I think such a decision as ending your own life has to be reached with a sober mind. There are medications that doctors can give you to ground your thoughts back to reality. There are many other people who have experienced psychosis and have gotten better. To get the medication, you do not need to be locked up. If you fear being locked up, just don't mention your suicidal thoughts to the doctors.

 

[timetodie24]

It's probably our will to actually live and survive that's holding you away. It's like that for me too; it's probably that one tiny bit of hope and SI that's still inside of us, that wants us alive.

That makes sense . Wish my will would disappear

No judgement whatsoever here mostly just curious. Why do you have to die to save the world?

It's a glitch in the system that i'm alive. If this isn't fixed then it will lead to catastrophic errors and domino effect that changes the world. So many people will die , so I have to die before deadline to fix the glitch and reset system

Exactly. I'm sorry that you're experiencing pain OP, but I think such a decision as ending your own life has to be reached with a sober mind. There are medications that doctors can give you to ground your thoughts back to reality. There are many other people who have experienced psychosis and have gotten better. To get the medication, you do not need to be locked up. If you fear being locked up, just don't mention your suicidal thoughts to the doctors.

i am seeing professional mental health team (who specialise in psychosis) . They're aware that I'm suicidal and that the system is making me ctb by a deadline to save the world. Very unlikely to get locked up here on ward as hardly any psych beds . I denied having a plan though (which is true as havent decided date i'll do it and that i definitely will) and didnt tell them when the deadline is , just 'soon'.
They're trying to help but not much they can do

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

Collectively society has been known to persevere and self repair when things get out of wack. You exiting won't have an effect on how things go. I know you truly believe you'll be doing everyone a favor but that just simply isn't the case.

I hope you get the help you need. You need to be more honest with your social workers. I think in this case they're really there to try to help. Not every medication works for everybody. You might just need an adjustment or a change.

 

[timetodie24]

Collectively society has been known to persevere and self repair when things get out of wack. You exiting won't have an effect on how things go. I know you truly believe you'll be doing everyone a favor but that just simply isn't the case.

I hope you get the help you need. You need to be more honest with your social workers. I think in this case they're really there to try to help. Not every medication works for everybody. You might just need an adjustment or a change.

Not on any meds (none been prescribed, that's not me just skipping meds or something)
I am being honest and getting help, i dont need anyone to advise on that thanks
I know what I have to do, no one else can repair the error, I'm just scared and lonely in meantime

 

[nir]

Not on any meds (none been prescribed, that's not me just skipping meds or something)
I am being honest and getting help, i dont need anyone to advise on that thanks
I know what I have to do, no one else can repair the error, I'm just scared and lonely in meantime

Would you be willing to try meds? If you have some time to spare before the date, you might as well give it a try, ya know

 

[Darkover]

save the world you assume there is anything here worth saving at all

 

[timetodie24]

Would you be willing to try meds? If you have some time to spare before the date, you might as well give it a try, ya know

Nowhere near enough time for that.

save the world you assume there is anything here worth saving at all

There are people worth saving
(people who want to live)

 

[Unspoken7612]

It's a glitch in the system that i'm alive. If this isn't fixed then it will lead to catastrophic errors and domino effect that changes the world. So many people will die , so I have to die before deadline to fix the glitch and reset system

What evidence do you actually have? Is it something you can prove to us? Have you considered the possibility that you are mistaken? Have you looked for any evidence that might prove you incorrect?

 

[timetodie24]

What evidence do you actually have? Is it something you can prove to us? Have you considered the possibility that you are mistaken? Have you looked for any evidence that might prove you incorrect?

The voices tell me and system controls my thoughts to send messages. I know these voices/messages are correct because what they have been right many times. Told me things no one could have known or predicted, including me.
And after a certain date, I could physically feel I'm not meant to be here. I pulled a microchip out of my finger so had physical evidence of the control but lost it. I took photos of the helicopters following me and when i've been with other people and seen/heard them, they've commented on the helicopters so i know they're actually there.
I tested the rules the system gave me and as they said- when i broke them bad things happened to others, when I followed them people were protected. Too many times to be coincidence. My thoughts and speech are messed up so i know they've damaged my brain. My parents are changing too so that's evidence they're being controlled.

Plenty evidence to support it . I guess 'proving' it is impossible but I think I have enough for it to be beyond reasonable doubt.

 

[Unspoken7612]

OK, I don't actually know the right way to respond to this. It does seem like you are in a very distressing situation, feeling like you have to kill yourself to satisfying the voices and prevent a "glitch in the Matrix" from destroying people. Although it's difficult for me to accept that you're being controlled by microchips and followed by government helicopters, I accept that you sincerely believe that you are. I'm neither going to agree with you, nor try and convince you that you are wrong.

I had a friend who went through something similar. He is from an immigrant background and follows the religion of his parents, but being raised in the West exposed him quite heavily to Christianity. After he went through a traumatic experience, he was convinced that he was a new Christian prophet and he had to share his message to save people from Hell. He did come to realise that is not true, but when he believed it, he believed it strongly and passionately and became distressed when I cast doubt on what he was saying. He thought he had spoken to God, who was a white man in the sky who had saved him. I don't want to cause you similar distress.

You seem to have quite a lot of insight into your condition. You've been engaging with mental health teams. You're aware that psychosis is a thing that exists. Do you see the similarities between your current experiences and those faced by thousands of people every year? Obviously you're experiencing these things and I am not, so you naturally have a very different perspective. I'm not saying you're definitely psychotic, but do you understand why people think you are psychotic? I ask because I can only imagine it would be infuriating if you didn't understand.

For what it is worth, and I'm sure you know this, I very strongly believe the world will not end if you are alive in a year, but I also understand that you feel like you don't want to take that risk. I think you should consider requesting anti-psychotic medication. A lot of people who have similar experiences (mind control, government stalking, hearing voices telling you to do things) report improvements on anti-psychotics - while I personally believe there's probably a neurobiological reason for that, it could be that you are right about the cause of your problems but the anti-psychotics solve them.

 

[timetodie24]

@Unspoken7612 thank you for your perspective and thoughtful response

I do see why people think it's psychosis but I don't understand why no one seems to see how the evidence proves otherwise .
Even if i wanted to (which I don't), there isn't time to try meds as the anniversary of glitch (i.e the deadline) is sooner than I would even be able to discuss meds with psych, never mind start and trial them.

I appreciate your kindness and suggestions though and taking the time with a thorough response

 

[timetodie24]

Freaking out thinking about death, it's hard to comprehend but i guess that's natural.
Also worrying about the trauma my method may cause. I'm terrified, why am I so feeble ?
I don't want this but it's seriously my only option. I've harmed myself in various ways i didnt imagine i could until I did. so I can do this if I push myself .

Any ways people reduce SI are very welcome .

 

[Unspoken7612]

Freaking out thinking about death, it's hard to comprehend but i guess that's natural.
Also worrying about the trauma my method may cause. I'm terrified, why am I so feeble ?
I don't want this but it's seriously my only option. I've harmed myself in various ways i didnt imagine i could until I did. so I can do this if I push myself .

Any ways people reduce SI are very welcome .

I think your best option is to call the emergency line. In most countries, 112 will connect you. Regardless of whether you are right and the world is going to end, or if this is just psychosis, this is an emergency situation which requires urgent and intensive attention.

Call the operator, tell them that you think you have to kill yourself in order to save the world. Answer their questions as best and as fully as you can. You have nothing to lose.

This is too big a problem for you to take on alone, and we cannot provide you with the sort of help you need.

 

[timetodie24]

I think your best option is to call the emergency line. In most countries, 112 will connect you. Regardless of whether you are right and the world is going to end, or if this is just psychosis, this is an emergency situation which requires urgent and intensive attention.

Call the operator, tell them that you think you have to kill yourself in order to save the world. Answer their questions as best and as fully as you can. You have nothing to lose.

This is too big a problem for you to take on alone, and we cannot provide you with the sort of help you need.

I'm not alone as mental health team are aware of what i have to do and why.
There is a lot to lose - many lives
Not expecting anyone to be able to help here dw, no one can, just venting.

 

[Unspoken7612]

I'm not alone as mental health team are aware of what i have to do and why.
There is a lot to lose - many lives
Not expecting anyone to be able to help here dw, no one can, just venting.

So you're being supervised right now?

Good way to reduce SI is to take your mind off things. That can be difficult. I find video games to be the most engaging option.

 

[timetodie24]

So you're being supervised right now?

Good way to reduce SI is to take your mind off things. That can be difficult. I find video games to be the most engaging option.

No, i just see them once a week.
Sorry just meant i'm not dealing with it alone as they're aware and trying to help.

Thanks for suggestion. I do definitely have too much time to overthink about things so distraction is a good idea.

 

[Unspoken7612]

OK, I should be clear - while you're not completely lacking in support, I don't think the support you are receiving is enough. I think you need extra help more urgently than your next weekly appointment. I think it would be proportionate and reasonable to call the emergency services. I think that's what your mental health team would suggest if they knew how you are really feeling, like you have to kill yourself in the next few days.

 

[timetodie24]

OK, I should be clear - while you're not completely lacking in support, I don't think the support you are receiving is enough. I think you need extra help more urgently than your next weekly appointment. I think it would be proportionate and reasonable to call the emergency services. I think that's what your mental health team would suggest if they knew how you are really feeling, like you have to kill yourself in the next few days.

I appreciate your suggestions but the system in control is much more powerful than any emergency services so nothing they can do. And it's not an emergency regardless

 

[Unspoken7612]

Fair enough. In my view, it is an emergency if you have to kill yourself to save the world.

Do you have any close friends or family who you are on good terms with? I often find that spending time around my family can help with SI.

 

[timetodie24]

Fair enough. In my view, it is an emergency if you have to kill yourself to save the world.

Do you have any close friends or family who you are on good terms with? I often find that spending time around my family can help with SI.

I live with family so spend time with them. But just realised now i think we're not talking about same SI ? I mean survival instinct and they're not going to help reduce that, i just have to stop being a coward and maybe have a couple drinks to feel more relaxed but sober enough to do it .

 

[Unspoken7612]

No I did mean SI, I mean my family drive me up the wall Sorry, bit of a joke. I both think talking to your family about how you are feeling might be a good way to spend some of your last few hours (keep you occupied and distracted) and if it goes badly... no, sorry, that's not an appropriate thing for me to say in this situation.

 

[timetodie24]

No I did mean SI, I mean my family drive me up the wall Sorry, bit of a joke. I both think talking to your family about how you are feeling might be a good way to spend some of your last few hours (keep you occupied and distracted) and if it goes badly... no, sorry, that's not an appropriate thing for me to say in this situation.

Ah ok sorry
no way i can talk to them about current feelings, too risky and stupid
Nah dark humor is always good dw .