Discussion Nobody will care if i kill myself, lol. Can anyone relate, or help me work through this feeling

[lovedread]

Help/discussion

I dont have anyone who will be impacted by my death really. One or two people would feel sad yes but im genuinely not close enough to anyone at the moment for it to be a significant event in their lives.

I thought this was what I wanted, lol. I was just saying the other day that maybe i should sabotage the friendship I had so that they hated me and wanted me dead, so my suicide could impact them less harshly.

Now i have no one. I feel broken. I know i should just kill myself, i know/feel that deep down it is what god wants. He has to want me gone, right? Why else would I have nobody in my life that cares for me? Why else would I have no support system, no accomplishments, no traits or talents to call upon? Why?? Why else have i failed so horribly at everything ive tried to do. Why do i suck. I always knew i would kill myself around this age, too—it always felt right.

But the truth is I dont want to die. I dont want to deal with the pain of hell. I want to try to keep going and find love and care in this world even if i dont deserve it. It feels so nice to be loved and cared about. I miss that feeling.
Basically, what im saying is that i want to keep going—I want to believe my life and my being are meaningful and that god loves me and that people wnat me here.

But truthfully what ive been shown is that nobody loves me or wants me here. I AM the scum/garbage i always suspected/felt deep down that i was. Im sorry for that. I wanted to search so badly for signs that pushed back against that, but i literally have none now. Im a piece of shit. I want to live. But i dont know if i can.
Like having those ppl—well actually PERSON singular eho i knew would actually care if i died helped a lot to push me along subconsciously bc its like hey—heres evidence that you matter! That your life matters! Now i have nothing

 

[ibuprofen_ninja]

pretty much in the same position myself, don't really care though. I just need the balls to go through with it

 

[lovedread]

pretty much in the same position myself, don't really care though. I just need the balls to go through with it

how did u get to the point of not caring

 

[ibuprofen_ninja]

well I've been a complete loner since I was like 14, everyone just gradually faded out, it happened so silently that I barely noticed I just fell deeper into my solitary hobbies and interests. I said I don't care, I care in the sense that I know other people are what's best for my mental health, but I just can't find any motivation to do something about it, so...

 

[iloverachel]

Yeah I am in a similar position too. Apart from mom and dad, I don't think my other family members or relatives would care that much

Life really sucks when nobody cares about you. I've been a loner my entire life and will die alone

 

[Ambivalent1]

Why does someone need to be impacted by it? Ctb to cause harm or grief is no bueno.

 

[ibuprofen_ninja]

loneliness isn't factoring into this even slightly haha

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Our situations are exactly vice versa. When I was very suicidal it would've been so much better if nobody cared about me and me being dead. It would've been so much easier for me to just proceed with the plan even years ago when it was clear that there will only be more suffering for me. My mum cares so much about me and she'd not survive me CTB.

You'd not need to care about anyone grieving you death but we humans are social creatures and we crave for not being lonely in most cases.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[eatantz]

I relate, my family and friends know I'm suicidal and they just say I'm lying and to shut up and just do it. I wish I had one person who knew me and would care if I was gone, honestly I believe that would save me. This loneliness is a big factor in my choice to ctb

 

[lovedread]

Why does someone need to be impacted by it? Ctb to cause harm or grief is no bueno.

Its not that i want to ctb to cause harm or grief. Thats never been the case. But the truth is it's saddening to look at yourself and your life and realize wow—ive had such little impact on other peoples lives.

 

[lovedread]

I relate, my family and friends know I'm suicidal and they just say I'm lying and to shut up and just do it. I wish I had one person who knew me and would care if I was gone, honestly I believe that would save me. This loneliness is a big factor in my choice to ctb

This is very cruel that your "friends" say this to you. Some friends are shit but this entirely crosses a boundary. Its not okay.

 

[billie]

I can relate

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Nobody will care when I CTB, either, in my case because, simply, I don't have anyone to care. But, I don't care. CTB is about me. It's not about anyone else, anyway. All I can say is who cares if no one cares?

 

[lovedread]

Nobody will care when I CTB, either, in my case because, simply, I don't have anyone to care. But, I don't care. CTB is about me. It's not about anyone else, anyway. All I can say is who cares if no one cares?

Me loll i care if no one cares. I feel like it says a lot about me as a person—like its proof that i was bad\evil this whole time. But your reasoning for not caring makes a ton of sense. I get it.

 

[tunnelV]

I realized NOBODY cares when you're alive. Why would they? You're always there and will always be there. Death doesn't cross their mind certainly not suicide. They'll ignore all the signs or even the depression then pretend to be shocked when it happens. It's actually just another disgusting behavior in human nature. It's very phony, after it's done, everyone pretends to cry and soak of some free attention and pitty based on your death. Don't forget the self loathing of "I should have done more" bullshit.

 

[lovedread]

I realized NOBODY cares when you're alive. Why would they? You're always there and will always be there. Death doesn't cross their mind certainly not suicide. They'll ignore all the signs or even the depression then pretend to be shocked when it happens. It's actually just another disgusting behavior in human nature. It's very phony, after it's done, everyone pretends to cry and soak of some free attention and pitty based on your death. Don't forget the self loathing of "I should have done more" bullshit.

Lol. Exactly.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Me loll i care if no one cares. I feel like it says a lot about me as a person—like its proof that i was bad\evil this whole time. But your reasoning for not caring makes a ton of sense. I get it.

I don't think not caring about that, whether anyone cares about whether we ctb, makes us bad or evil at all.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I can relate

Why didn't you name yourself WordGirl like the show?

 

[AkaRed]

I am in the exact same situation, and its so hard trying to bring yourself to feel comforted by the fact nobody cares— rather than lonely. I don't know how to switch my perspective either, because it feels like such a failure to die so alone and unwanted.

<3

 

[lovedread]

I am in the exact same situation, and its so hard trying to bring yourself to feel comforted by the fact nobody cares— rather than lonely. I don't know how to switch my perspective either, because it feels like such a failure to die so alone and unwanted.

<3

Yes this is my feeling exactly. Hope it gets better for you and everyone else on the thread

 

[Mi Mi]

Help/discussion

I dont have anyone who will be impacted by my death really. One or two people would feel sad yes but im genuinely not close enough to anyone at the moment for it to be a significant event in their lives.

I thought this was what I wanted, lol. I was just saying the other day that maybe i should sabotage the friendship I had so that they hated me and wanted me dead, so my suicide could impact them less harshly.

Now i have no one. I feel broken. I know i should just kill myself, i know/feel that deep down it is what god wants. He has to want me gone, right? Why else would I have nobody in my life that cares for me? Why else would I have no support system, no accomplishments, no traits or talents to call upon? Why?? Why else have i failed so horribly at everything ive tried to do. Why do i suck. I always knew i would kill myself around this age, too—it always felt right.

But the truth is I dont want to die. I dont want to deal with the pain of hell. I want to try to keep going and find love and care in this world even if i dont deserve it. It feels so nice to be loved and cared about. I miss that feeling.
Basically, what im saying is that i want to keep going—I want to believe my life and my being are meaningful and that god loves me and that people wnat me here.

But truthfully what ive been shown is that nobody loves me or wants me here. I AM the scum/garbage i always suspected/felt deep down that i was. Im sorry for that. I wanted to search so badly for signs that pushed back against that, but i literally have none now. Im a piece of shit. I want to live. But i dont know if i can.
Like having those ppl—well actually PERSON singular eho i knew would actually care if i died helped a lot to push me along subconsciously bc its like hey—heres evidence that you matter! That your life matters! Now i have nothing

No one will care when I leave either
By now it should be expected
I often hurt over it and question what I did
But I have to remind myself I didn't do anything and this is just unfortunately my life
I have to focus on the goal
And the goal is to leave here

 

[lovedread]

No one will care when I leave either
By now it should be expected
I often hurt over it and question what I did
But I have to remind myself I didn't do anything and this is just unfortunately my life
I have to focus on the goal
And the goal is to leave here

Maybe if I could say i didn't do anything bur i did. I did… Ive done multiple things, horrible mistakes one after the other and now im reaping wtf i sow and i have the nerve to cry and beg for sympathy im disgusting i should kill myself. Hopefully i will

 

[Meteora]

It s the same for me. Ppl will be surprised, a bit sad at first maybe, but it will go a way fast and they ll forget.
If ppl don t care while you re alive, why should they when your dead????