Venting Nobody likes me

[itbelikethat]

I've never had a meaningful connection in my entire life. I've only ever felt comfortable around two people. Ones a former "friend" who only let me hang around cause nobody wanted to hang out with him and he just always made me feel like shit and at first sexualized me. The other was my ex who was great in some ways, but very, very bad in other ways. Although she was the only person to have ever truly helped me out, and that's more than everyone else in my life. Still made me feel awful for things like not paying for every one of her meals, while I ran myself ragged doing other things for her.

I've tried to surround myself with people who make me feel good. But nobody wants to talk to me. And I don't blame them.

Aside from my lack of understanding social situations, I'm an angry and hateful person. I'm also internally in despair, and i can feel my skin peeling off when im in a group of more than two. And I'm good at hiding it.

I can easily pretend to be a happy and joyful guy, but that's exhausting, and not even hookups make me feel better. As soon as I show my true colors people go away. So what's the point? I'll either run myself ragged being someone I'm not, or I'll just be ignored or flat out avoided if I'm my genuine self. Hell even when I pretend most people that make me happy see right through it.

I'm lonely, so, fucking, lonely.

 

[genie]

Same. Sometimes you just have to accept the hatred and it can actually make you feel better. Let me put it this way, you know you're a hateful person, that means you can change and improve that. Some people are hateful but don't know it so they can't change. Also, you don't always have to be yourself, that's an old cliché. Sometimes it's better to be someone else. We all wear masks, maybe try and approach situations different from how you normally would. Worth trying if you feel low and lonely anyway?

 

[itbelikethat]

Same. Sometimes you just have to accept the hatred and it can actually make you feel better. Let me put it this way, you know you're a hateful person, that means you can change and improve that. Some people are hateful but don't know it so they can't change. Also, you don't always have to be yourself, that's an old cliché. Sometimes it's better to be someone else. We all wear masks, maybe try and approach situations different from how you normally would. Worth trying if you feel low and lonely anyway?

Your absolutely right, in fact I've bottled up all of my negative emotions as a survival mechanism, and I believe it's built up.

The reason I dropped that friend was because me and him had an argument, started saying shit like be a man, own up to your responsibilities in a hateful tone. He was panicked at the time so I don't hold that against him. What I can't forgive, is that I tried to deescalate and explain my side of things, and he would not hear it, and he kept getting worse and worse. So I screamed at him, and finally let myself show my frustration, and admittedly I was a little intense.

Then after things calmed down, he started saying shit like, "you look like serial killer" "your gonna end up hurting yourself or someone". If he knew me he'd know I'd never hurt anyone, and acting like that was the only way I could be heard in that situation. I also have a lot of trauma from being told I'm crazy and that I'll end up doing bad shit. Fucking autism sucks.

I tried to forget about that shit, but he wouldn't take the hint that I didn't feel safe talking to him, kept telling me things that make me seem odd, as if I didn't know, and was enjoying my new safe space. Kept telling things about myself to a group I was in that I did when I was much younger and immature. He, just like my ex, wanted to change me for themselves and not for my betterment.

So I've decided to surround myself by people who make me feel good about myself. I'll find them eventually, just gotta get over this slump.

I appreciate your advice and input, and I'll definitely use this in my path to improvement.

I hope things go well for you my man, or woman, or however you identify. Peace and love to you.

 

[genie]

Your absolutely right, in fact I've bottled up all of my negative emotions as a survival mechanism, and I believe it's built up.

The reason I dropped that friend was because me and him had an argument, started saying shit like be a man, own up to your responsibilities in a hateful tone. He was panicked at the time so I don't hold that against him. What I can't forgive, is that I tried to deescalate and explain my side of things, and he would not hear it, and he kept getting worse and worse. So I screamed at him, and finally let myself show my frustration, and admittedly I was a little intense.

Then after things calmed down, he started saying shit like, "you look like serial killer" "your gonna end up hurting yourself or someone". If he knew me he'd know I'd never hurt anyone, and acting like that was the only way I could be heard in that situation. I also have a lot of trauma from being told I'm crazy and that I'll end up doing bad shit. Fucking autism sucks.

I tried to forget about that shit, but he wouldn't take the hint that I didn't feel safe talking to him, kept telling me things that make me seem odd, as if I didn't know, and was enjoying my new safe space. Kept telling things about myself to a group I was in that I did when I was much younger and immature. He, just like my ex, wanted to change me for themselves and not for my betterment.

So I've decided to surround myself by people who make me feel good about myself. I'll find them eventually, just gotta get over this slump.

I appreciate your advice and input, and I'll definitely use this in my path to improvement.

I hope things go well for you my man, or woman, or however you identify. Peace and love to you.

He sounds like a toxic person and probably did you a favour by not having a friend like that. It's best just to forget about him and meet new people. Thanks you too.

 

[itbelikethat]

He sounds like a toxic person and probably did you a favour by not having a friend like that. It's best just to forget about him and meet new people. Thanks you too.

Oh I was the one who cut him off. I did myself the favor.

I will say he has grown a lot as a person, but the relationship between me and him was always toxic.