Venting No way to go

[yokaiox21]

Found myself in quite a situation recently, the psychiatrist told me I probably have BPD, while I suffer with depression for years now. The suffering has been so terrible I feel completely hopeless, started going to church and even therapy, it helped with depression but just for a bit, now it's coming back full force and I lack the strength to keep going forward.

Don't know where to go to be honest, I joined seminary in hopes I'd help me heal but it made everything worse, and I can't leave because it would make everyone disappointed and lose the only thing that gives me value, being a seminarian. Also fear what God's judgment, can't end myself due to these reasons and because it would ruin the institution's status.

 

[Alumina]

if you believe in god, aren't you supposed to think this suffering isn't vain? or you think he is unfair, then why would you love him and care of what he thinks?

 

[yokaiox21]

if you believe in god, aren't you supposed to think this suffering isn't vain? or you think he is unfair, then why would you love him and care of what he thinks?

It's a cross to be carried and a way to sanctification, but this feels hopeless and too much for me. I understand it rationally but can't deal with it.

 

[Alumina]

It's a cross to be carried and a way to sanctification, but this feels hopeless and too much for me. I understand it rationally but can't deal with it.

do you feel in a similar way that you would feel in a toxic relationship, where your partner keeps asking much from you without giving you anything? do you feel trapped in this relationship, without nowhere to go? Would you feel free if you let this go ? isn't it another burden for you at the end of the day or do you still feel some kind of relief in this ? perharps, if your strenght allow you to, may you find value in yourself in some other place/domain? if you still see the church as a refuge, could you talk about it with your therapist?

 

[yokaiox21]

that's an interesting way to see it, but I guess I only feel this way because I'm suicidal and it's against it's values. If it wasn't against it's values, I wouldn't feel so trapped, I'll bring this up in my next session, it's indeed an interesting way to process it.