maxinestirner
New Member
- Aug 14, 2026
- 1
hi, this is my first post. i like math and compsci, they're two of the only things ive remained attached to before, during and after my recent major depressive episodes. i'd really like to make my ideal programming language one day, ive dedicated the past 2 years to studying programming language theory and i think at this point its the only thing that truly matters to me, i spend so much time thinking and reading abt the topic that nothing else seems to matter in comparison. in addition to that, im currently working through a book on real analysis and even tho it genuinely causes me distress because of my adhd, its been nice to just go into the woods and do proofs alone even if i suck at it and likely can't get treated for it (because im anorexic i can't start stimulants and my psychiatrist doesn't wanna put me on non-stimulants). anyways, i don't plan on pursing any further "life goals" besides the ones i set for myself because im anticipating ctb within the next few months, but if i can my hope would be to resolve everything on a high note. every day genuinely feels like a new low and i can't explain why, it feels that as soon as ive been able to manage feeling shit i somehow inevitably plummet further down. the path of least resistance for me is to just become oblivious to anything that sets me into dread; for the better part of the past 3 months id drink or take my antipsychotics whenever i felt a thought that snapped me back into my bleak reality. safe to say most of the past 2 years ive lost to my eating disorder and depression, which is probably not great considering how formative they would have been given i wasn't completely incapable of daily functioning. id like to stay in my little bubble where i can study and focus on my hobbies until the point of which a proper plan is in place for me to ctb. i no longer want to inflict unnecessary suffering onto myself, its not like any "behavioral changes" or psych meds are going to change the fact there is and always will be a way out, and then everything will be gone and "i" will no longer exist. everything im feeling right now is just the sum total of chemical reactions in my brain, and knowing that its wired in such a way to stop me from doing the one thing that matters is inconvenient but relieving. sorry for being terribly ramble-y.
