No reward for the constant suffering of existence

[TheGoodGuy]

Earlier I posted this just as a post which turned into a thread on it´s own so I´m going to repost it here for more to see.

For me it was actually like,
the potential reward to go on does not match up to my perceived effort & suffering I'm currently going through.

I have also said this many times, you can check the search engine if curious. That is why I say "childhood and teenage years are living, adulthood is just existing", in my childhood I had no physical or mental problems and only a few in my teenage years i.e my youth, as an adult there is no reward for all the suffering most adults have some hard problems month or even years apart so they get breaks between I don´t mine is every day.

So rationally it makes no sense if you put the pain and suffering on one side of the old school scales and reward on the other (if you get that mental picture) why keep existing when you´re no living? I even made a thread about how I feel I have lived a full life I had the best childhood ever and fun and exciting teenage years where I truly lived despite depression so using my teenage years as an example to your post and my own yes I had depression and experienced great pain and suffering BUT I had many close friends and a big social circle, was passionate about my style, my look, girls, hopes and dreams, had many hobbies and looking forward to weekends to hang out with friends so despite the suffering the scale was more equalized although the suffering probably still won it still made sense to live because I still had a life which I haven´t had for many many years. I even made a graph a long time ago illustrating this on my own life.


When looking at age 14-17 life was still fun and exciting despite the suffering, I know I said "suffering probably still won" but it terms of the fun and excitement I had I think 60 on the scale is pretty accurate. And using this graph as an example then even if my physical and mental illnesses magically disappeared and I would feel just content with "life" at around 30-35% even 40% why would I settle for that for the next 60+ years when I have experienced life at its peak at 100% in childhood? I guess I could settle for 80% since life was still fun and exciting and I didn´t have depression yet and the hopefulness of my hopes and dreams and the excitement when thinking about trying to look good in hope of getting a girlfriend etc. but anything below I just don´t see the point in. Death is inevitable for everyone so why does people HAVE to live exist when they are not living and like me haven´t been living for nearly a decade 9+ years to be exact. As I said I HAVE indeed lived a great life and even after years of over a dozen physical and mentally illnesses tormenting me I still can´t say the words "I wish I never had been born" since I lived such a great life but that´s my point I HAVE lived it so whether you have lived a full life at 17 like me or 80 there shouldn´t be a difference, a full life is a full life no matter the age and what good is keep being alive just for the sake of being alive if you´re not living it´s just waiting for death anyways.

 

[antigone_iris]

Awesome post! I also like the graph that you made. I can totally relate to it. I've always been a hopeful chicken, even though I don't know if things will ever get better, or at least like they used to be when I was a child... I don't know if things got worse over time or just my perception changed I feel like I took the red pill when I grew up and I can't cope with the truth. Anyone else feeling like this?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Awesome post! I also like the graph that you made. I can totally relate to it. I've always been a hopeful chicken, even though I don't know if things will ever get better, or at least like they used to be when I was a child... I don't know if things got worse over time or just my perception changed I feel like I took the red pill when I grew up and I can't cope with the truth. Anyone else feeling like this?

Thank you so much glad you liked it, btw I liked the red pill analogy because it truly feels like when I became an adult I somehow got the red pill unwillingly and saw the world as it truly was and not as the paradise it used to be. And again glad you liked the graph it often is easier to describe stuff using a picture like the saying a picture is worth more than a thousand words like despite how I always write too much the title and the picture would practically be enough to know what I am talking about.

 

[MrBlue]

Thank you so much glad you liked it, btw I liked the red pill analogy because it truly feels like when I became an adult I somehow got the red pill unwillingly and saw the world as it truly was and not as the paradise it used to be. And again glad you liked the graph it often is easier to describe stuff using a picture like the saying a picture is worth more than a thousand words like despite how I always write too much the title and the picture would practically be enough to know what I am talking about.

I think my experience was more a slow realisation that I wasn't how I should be, and then the repeated attempts to try and catch up or have a life worth living became more and more tiring as I've gotten into my 20's. I became suicidal when I realised it was probably a fruitless effort.