Venting No matter what i do i cant look how i feel

[livinginafog]

I know that i dont really want to ctb i just want the suffering to end. I also dont want my current partner explaining to others how i died. I keep going back and forth between bein nonbinary to trans to cis and its eating me alive because i dont know who i am really. when it comes to the gender community there are so many boxes to fit into and it seems like every one else is finding themselves and i cant. My partner called me an egg the other day (to those who arent familiar with this term it means someone who hasnt come to terms with being trans) when i got called a boy in public and told him i passed and got really excited. Other days i feel guilty because mi Madre is getting tired of me coming out every other day as something new she supports me wearing a binder but thats about it its always the exasperated "Hija" and walking away i dont know how much longer i can do this

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If you can't find a box that you fit in then why bother even trying to fit yourself into one? Just do whatever and if you someday come to feel that there is a box you fit into then good. If not, then also good. You don't need to put yourself into a particular, you could just call yourself genderqueer or queer or something like that and just express your gender however you want. I think the whole labelling system we have for genders and sexual orientations is just damaging at this point because it keeps people from feeling like they can explore these things and a lot of people don't feel comfortable with labels.

I don't know if I'm straight or not but at some point I just gave up on giving a shit about labels. Gender and sexuality are fluid and labelling yourself as a particular identity can feel suffocating. Just do what makes you feel comfortable.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

OP......If the child in your avatar picture is a relative or acquaintance of yours, you may want to reconsider and use another image instead. Someone could potentially recognize the child and connect her with you. Just saying. Of course you can do whatever you want.

 

[Heartaches]

There's nothing wrong on not knowing or not choosing a label because you don't know who you are. Many queer folks are going through the same (including me), but it's not usually talked about. I'm not completely sure why. If I had to guess, it might be because transition isn't linear; it's a messy, never-ending process, and that can be hard to explain to others. Remember that when you look at others, you're only looking at the side they present to the public. Not all, but a lot of them might be going through their own struggles with their gender identity, presentation and/or label.

I used to say I'm a trans man or transmasc. The label and experiences still ring to me, but not completely. There's always been a bit of fluidity and ambiguity to my identity, but I chose those labels because they were easy for others to comprehend. Even then, I've struggled existing in queer and non-queer spaces because I'm not what people expect of a trans man or a man in general (I sometimes use a binder, but I'm comfortable with my boobs; I'm pre-everything; I'm very sensitive and sometimes open up about my emotions; I love feminine and masculine things; I wear fem or masc clothing depending on my mood; yada-yada). You don't have to choose one only, you don't have to choose really. There's a power on not having to label yourself.

You shouldn't feel guilty because of your madre, she can't control how you feel or how you identify with. Your process of transition is not for her to judge. You're your own person, you deserve love and support no matter what. I'm very sorry she's not being understanding.

I know it seems exasperating and hopeless, but transition is something that takes time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Find community in people who will support you no matter what. Know that you're not alone.​

 

[livinginafog]

OP......If the child in your avatar picture is a relative or acquaintance of yours, you may want to reconsider and use another image instead. Someone could potentially recognize the child and connect her with you. Just saying. Of course you can do whatever you want.

the photo is an old one of me i dont think anyone will recognize me

 

[locked*n*loaded]

the photo is an old one of me i dont think anyone will recognize me

You know best.