confusion
I try my best — please, I beg you, believe me.
- Apr 26, 2024
- 16
Please read this. Please help me decide, please encourage me to take action. It's all I want, but all I feel is fear. I feel like a scared child. But I have no justification to ask for help, I am all grown up, it is solely my responsibility to commit this ultimate act of self care, to put an end to this horrible torture inflicted onto me, especially because it is me that inflicts it onto myself.
In the past few months, my life has changed massively. I found new friends, I have never bonded with people as much as I have now, I've been happy a lot. But somehow, every day, every hour, I still think about suicide. I've been through such awful times in my life, I think that what is happening now is truly the best time of my life, but I still just want to die. I am going out almost every night, drinking a lot. I have people that care about me at least a little bit. I am no longer a virgin! Wow! Well, all I feel is fear of having to return to my usual self and life.
I know that I will fail in most of the endeavors of my life, I have no true dreams or plans, and I am constantly in a state of panic. I am expecting to feel so much grief over this period of my life and that is making me feel so horribly depressed. I can never just feel good, I always anticipate the horrible feeling I will have after the good times end, and I am always right. I am probably simply doing this to myself, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot help it.
I really, really, really want to tell someone all about this. It's a selfish craving to have, the craving to be understood and listened to. I am so close to my friends. All I want to say is "I'm going to kill myself. Will you please miss me just a little bit? It's pathetic to ask, but this is the last and biggest secret I've been keeping from you. Please, I ask, in all vulnerability, will you grieve me, even if it's just for a day or two?"
I cannot keep doing this. I need to die. After 6 years of a horribly depressing life, one attempt two years ago, and the best time of my life coming to an end currently, it is time. I am honestly very scared. I failed at hanging, but I have no other option. I need to be brave for just a second. All I can feel during happy times is unending sadness. It is so contrary, so stupid, but it is unchangeable. It is me, and I don't want to have to endure this any longer. I am so tired and sad and scared.
In the past few months, my life has changed massively. I found new friends, I have never bonded with people as much as I have now, I've been happy a lot. But somehow, every day, every hour, I still think about suicide. I've been through such awful times in my life, I think that what is happening now is truly the best time of my life, but I still just want to die. I am going out almost every night, drinking a lot. I have people that care about me at least a little bit. I am no longer a virgin! Wow! Well, all I feel is fear of having to return to my usual self and life.
I know that I will fail in most of the endeavors of my life, I have no true dreams or plans, and I am constantly in a state of panic. I am expecting to feel so much grief over this period of my life and that is making me feel so horribly depressed. I can never just feel good, I always anticipate the horrible feeling I will have after the good times end, and I am always right. I am probably simply doing this to myself, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot help it.
I really, really, really want to tell someone all about this. It's a selfish craving to have, the craving to be understood and listened to. I am so close to my friends. All I want to say is "I'm going to kill myself. Will you please miss me just a little bit? It's pathetic to ask, but this is the last and biggest secret I've been keeping from you. Please, I ask, in all vulnerability, will you grieve me, even if it's just for a day or two?"
I cannot keep doing this. I need to die. After 6 years of a horribly depressing life, one attempt two years ago, and the best time of my life coming to an end currently, it is time. I am honestly very scared. I failed at hanging, but I have no other option. I need to be brave for just a second. All I can feel during happy times is unending sadness. It is so contrary, so stupid, but it is unchangeable. It is me, and I don't want to have to endure this any longer. I am so tired and sad and scared.
