Sleeper System
Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z
- May 5, 2022
- 766
I'm trying to focus on my goals and keep my mind off of how I feel.
This is the ONLY way I can get through the days without breaking down.
It doesn't always work and today is one of those days. It all feels pointless again.
It feels like such a waste. Working all week to earn a day off and I can't even enjoy it.
Every part of me just wants to quit and be done with all this meaningless exausting bullshit.
Fear is the only thing that animates the prison that my body has become.
Fear of dying. Fear of failing. Fear of pain. Fear of poverty. Fear of fates worse than death.
The very brain that wants so desperately to die is the same one finding the will to get up every morning and continue.
It's so pathetically unpleasant. Even typing this, my chest is tight and my eyes stuck between shedding tears and holding it all in.
My job use to be bearable but now it's a constant reminder of how little control I have over my own life. Same as everyone there.
I hate the people in charge and the way they do things but i'm just a grunt who need only shut up and do my job.
Trying to save the little pennies I make at work is one of my goals but there is nothing I can buy with it that will have an effect.
I wont ever own a home or retire in peace. It'll just be more of this struggle. I see my future in my senior co-workers.
Working until the day I die with no real purpose. I envy people who have a purpose. I don't care enough about anything to have one.
I'm on a promotion track plan but that wont change much. Just a little extra change and heavier weights on my shackles.
I figure if i'm going to be here anyway I might as well get the most I can out of it. God, our corperate overlords must be loving this.
I'm afraid that my smiling depression wont fool anyone and I'm wasting my time even trying. That's the worst most soul crushing part.
Having to practice what to say to these people holding out the hope that they decide to promote me. Do I even deserve it? I don't know...
I constantly worry about my mom and her unstable living situation. I'm scared for her and also for myself. I can't and don't want to bear the responsibility of another person when i'm struggling to hold it together for my own damn self. It's the reason I don't have many friends and I don't try to get into any romantic relationships. Connections bring more problems and I feel like i'm drowning in the littel responsibility that i've been assigned. I can't imagine what it's like for parents who are this depressed and done with living. It's all just fear.
Living like this is crushing me. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm poisoning my heart and mind with all these negative thoughts.
The unbelievable thing is that I physically FEEL it. Something eating away at me. Every. Fucking. Day. Like a parasite.
Being on here and venting is the only thing that makes me feel better and it's even more pathetic than it seems.
Writing posts and hoping I get some likes and peer interaction from a bunch of strangers. Refresh... Refresh... Refresh...
Hoping for a message. Hoping to be accepted. Hoping for a connection. When i'm not even sure I want those things.
I guess I only want it in the online format because I can just disconnect and abandoned everything whenever things get hard.
I didn't chose to be alive but I had some choice in how I have ended up and I have no one to blame but myself.
My broken brain and broken spirit. Broken beyond any repair that I can imagine. Pity me for I am a fool.
This is the ONLY way I can get through the days without breaking down.
It doesn't always work and today is one of those days. It all feels pointless again.
It feels like such a waste. Working all week to earn a day off and I can't even enjoy it.
Every part of me just wants to quit and be done with all this meaningless exausting bullshit.
Fear is the only thing that animates the prison that my body has become.
Fear of dying. Fear of failing. Fear of pain. Fear of poverty. Fear of fates worse than death.
The very brain that wants so desperately to die is the same one finding the will to get up every morning and continue.
It's so pathetically unpleasant. Even typing this, my chest is tight and my eyes stuck between shedding tears and holding it all in.
My job use to be bearable but now it's a constant reminder of how little control I have over my own life. Same as everyone there.
I hate the people in charge and the way they do things but i'm just a grunt who need only shut up and do my job.
Trying to save the little pennies I make at work is one of my goals but there is nothing I can buy with it that will have an effect.
I wont ever own a home or retire in peace. It'll just be more of this struggle. I see my future in my senior co-workers.
Working until the day I die with no real purpose. I envy people who have a purpose. I don't care enough about anything to have one.
I'm on a promotion track plan but that wont change much. Just a little extra change and heavier weights on my shackles.
I figure if i'm going to be here anyway I might as well get the most I can out of it. God, our corperate overlords must be loving this.
I'm afraid that my smiling depression wont fool anyone and I'm wasting my time even trying. That's the worst most soul crushing part.
Having to practice what to say to these people holding out the hope that they decide to promote me. Do I even deserve it? I don't know...
I constantly worry about my mom and her unstable living situation. I'm scared for her and also for myself. I can't and don't want to bear the responsibility of another person when i'm struggling to hold it together for my own damn self. It's the reason I don't have many friends and I don't try to get into any romantic relationships. Connections bring more problems and I feel like i'm drowning in the littel responsibility that i've been assigned. I can't imagine what it's like for parents who are this depressed and done with living. It's all just fear.
Living like this is crushing me. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm poisoning my heart and mind with all these negative thoughts.
The unbelievable thing is that I physically FEEL it. Something eating away at me. Every. Fucking. Day. Like a parasite.
Being on here and venting is the only thing that makes me feel better and it's even more pathetic than it seems.
Writing posts and hoping I get some likes and peer interaction from a bunch of strangers. Refresh... Refresh... Refresh...
Hoping for a message. Hoping to be accepted. Hoping for a connection. When i'm not even sure I want those things.
I guess I only want it in the online format because I can just disconnect and abandoned everything whenever things get hard.
I didn't chose to be alive but I had some choice in how I have ended up and I have no one to blame but myself.
My broken brain and broken spirit. Broken beyond any repair that I can imagine. Pity me for I am a fool.
