No fear, no regrets

[The anhedonic one]

Over the past 2 weeks I have become strangely fearless and happy.
I say strange because I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my life, yet this is the first time I have actually felt happy.

I have also completely let go of any attachments to this world. There is absolutely nothing to cling to, and absolutely nothing interests me.

A woman I have been very fond of for a while now asked me if She wanted to date.
I answered no thank you.
I just couldn't be bothered, even though I was experiencing this strange feeling of euphoria.

I walked away from what could have been a beautiful relationship.
And it just didn't bother me in the slightest. No regret in doing so.

Later in the day I crossed a very busy road, I just walked into the road without looking as cars sped past me beeping their horns.

I was grinning and happy and not a care in the world. I was completely devoid of fear.
I found great excitement in knowing that one of the cars could plough into me at any given moment. It was exhilarating.

I then reached the other side of the road and smiled. Because I knew that I had finally reached an immensely beautiful point in my journey towards suicide.

There was absolutely nothing left for me to fear or care about.
I was well and truly done with this world, and nothing, not even a huge stash of money, or a beautiful woman could keep me here.

My body is here yet my mind left this world long ago.
I just need to dispose of this flesh prison that binds my presence to this realm of suffering.

And I know beyond any doubt whatsoever that I shall soon be taking the ultimate journey to sweet non-existence.

 

[Aisley]

The only problem with this site is seeing some real awesome, insightful and intelligent people leave. But whatever. Being at peace with the moment is crucial. It can be everything. I'm happy for you, it's a nice cloud to be in. That lady's prolly real confused right now, lol.

 

[The anhedonic one]

The only problem with this site is seeing some real awesome, insightful and intelligent people leave. But whatever. Being at peace with the moment is crucial. It can be everything. I'm happy for you, it's a nice cloud to be in. That lady's prolly real confused right now, lol.

Thank you so much. Your kind words mean a lot to me.
I feel really bad now about not wanting a relationship with her, simply because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But I'm sure She will be ok, and find someone to love her who intends living life for much longer than I do.
Being in the cloud of worldly oblivion has been a long time coming. I've been in the bottom of the pit of despair so many times now, that my brain has just shut down and said " fuck this shit " to all worldly cares and fears.

 

[Aisley]

Thank you so much. Your kind words mean a lot to me.
I feel really bad now about not wanting a relationship with her, simply because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But I'm sure She will be ok, and find someone to love her who intends living life for much longer than I do.

It's certainly regrettable, and life can seem like a long list of "what could have been's". If being with her could have turned everything around, then feasible. Worth everything, in fact. But depression doesn't go anywhere, does it? It waits. I know nothing, but I think you did the right thing here. Horriboe thing to say, maybe, because you deserve some happiness.

Being in the cloud of worldly oblivion has been a long time coming. I've been in the bottom of the pit of despair so many times now, that my brain has just shut down and said " fuck this shit " to all worldly cares and fears.

There's a tipping point, and crossing it is a point of no return. Things can't be turned back on, in my experience. Like little deaths inside. I've been there a long time, and it's preferable to feeling, I think. Everything comes with such a fucking cost.

 

[JAlexa]

Your post comes at an interesting time for me - I spent last night texting (in paragraphs - is that considered texting?) my bf with a level of clarity, honesty, and calmness that I've never had before, not even at the start of our relationship. All the years of suppressed feelings, unaddressed problems, and realizations that we didn't talk about, along with apologies on both sides. I firmly believe I wouldn't have brought up those topics if I knew I'd be around next year. I also asked him whether he'd want me to set up a birthday freebies email for him to check every June onwards, and told him I'd organize all our chats from the past 9 years into a single chronological document (since our convos are split between several platforms).

I guess this is what they'd call the acceptance phase, if we were cancer patients lol. The absence of fear and thoughts of "what could've been" replaced with "I just want my last days to be authentically me and as peaceful as possible".

Later in the day I crossed a very busy road, I just walked into the road without looking as cars sped past me beeping their horns.

This reminds me of a scene from Aftersun where Calum is almost hit by a truck and doesn't flinch. Good artsy movie which heavily implies suicide by the end.

On a related note, a longstanding "joke" I've had with my bf is that threats don't work on me because I'd accept the outcome or choose death if life become too tiring. It's been that way since I was a kid and is partially why I was labeled as a defiant teenager.
Ex. Parents took my door off to prevent me from locking myself in my room - I found the door and screwed it back on. They tried blocking my Internet to force productivity - I reset the router every time.
My bf also stopped carrying his pocket knife around me, not because I'd use it to kill myself, but in the past he'd playfully threaten me with it and I'd walk closer lol. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I think most of us on SS are to some extent.

Sorry for the long sidetracked rant. But I just want you to know that your feelings are shared by others here.

 

[The anhedonic one]

It's certainly regrettable, and life can seem like a long list of "what could have been's". If being with her could have turned everything around, then feasible. Worth everything, in fact. But depression doesn't go anywhere, does it? It waits. I know nothing, but I think you did the right thing here. Horriboe thing to say, maybe, because you deserve some happiness.

There's a tipping point, and crossing it is a point of no return. Things can't be turned back on, in my experience. Like little deaths inside. I've been there a long time, and it's preferable to feeling, I think. Everything comes with such a fucking cost.

You've explained this brilliantly, and I agree with you absolutely in everything that you have said.
I love your quote " little deaths inside " because that is exactly what it feels like: Lots of little deaths eating away at your mind until you cross that line of no return.

Your post comes at an interesting time for me - I spent last night texting (in paragraphs - is that considered texting?) my bf with a level of clarity, honesty, and calmness that I've never had before, not even at the start of our relationship. All the years of suppressed feelings, unaddressed problems, and realizations that we didn't talk about, along with apologies on both sides. I firmly believe I wouldn't have brought up those topics if I knew I'd be around next year. I also asked him whether he'd want me to set up a birthday freebies email for him to check every June onwards, and told him I'd organize all our chats from the past 9 years into a single chronological document (since our convos are split between several platforms).

I guess this is what they'd call the acceptance phase, if we were cancer patients lol. The absence of fear and thoughts of "what could've been" replaced with "I just want my last days to be authentically me and as peaceful as possible".


This reminds me of a scene from Aftersun where Calum is almost hit by a truck and doesn't flinch. Good artsy movie which heavily implies suicide by the end.

On a related note, a longstanding "joke" I've had with my bf is that threats don't work on me because I'd accept the outcome or choose death if life become too tiring. It's been that way since I was a kid and is partially why I was labeled as a defiant teenager.
Ex. Parents took my door off to prevent me from locking myself in my room - I found the door and screwed it back on. They tried blocking my Internet to force productivity - I reset the router every time.
My bf also stopped carrying his pocket knife around me, not because I'd use it to kill myself, but in the past he'd playfully threaten me with it and I'd walk closer lol. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I think most of us on SS are to some extent.

Sorry for the long sidetracked rant. But I just want you to know that your feelings are shared by others here.

It definitely sounds like you have also reached this acceptance phase : that level of clarity, honesty and calmness.
And yes, feeling that abscence of fear and just being your true self without fear of consequences is truly liberating.
It's as though a massive weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you feel invincible.
You say your crazy ?
I think most of the crazy people are actually among the sanest people on earth because we have seen through the illusion that this dreadful world is worth living in.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be a relief feeling like that, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans, to me the thought of permanent non-existence certainly is so incredibly ideal.

 

[generaltonight1709]

It is so sad that people like us have the happiest moments in our life with this stuff. I am so very proud of you though because I know how hard it can be to get to that point. Hell, I am barely there lol. I really hope you have a successful journey as you deserve it<3

 

[The anhedonic one]

It is so sad that people like us have the happiest moments in our life with this stuff. I am so very proud of you though because I know how hard it can be to get to that point. Hell, I am barely there lol. I really hope you have a successful journey as you deserve it<3

Thank you. This means a lot to me me.

 

[generaltonight1709]

Thank you. This means a lot to me me.

Of course <33 safe travels!