Suicide by train

[Damian]

Hi, I'm 23 yrs old and I'm feeling really bad. Everyday I consider killing myself. Recently I discovered a very good spot because there are fast-driving trains.
I am very short (5'3), ugly and very slender. Basically I look like 12 yr old kid but a little bald (I've been losing my hair since my 17's). I have absolutely no socials skills. I don't have friends, I've never had a girlfriend and nobody likes me. Even my own mother prefers to talk with her friends than with me. I have no education (I was at college but I stopped it because of bullying and I was feeling really bad bc all have found new friends except of me), no hard & soft skills. There is no job I can do. I don't know foreign languages (whereas people at my age know like 2 or even 3 languages fluently).
I've tried to socialize myself but I was always like rejected. Nobody wants me. I have very boring personality and also probably autism.
I am this one silent man.

Because all of this I want to kill myself. I don't hate the life itself but I hate my life and I know that I can't change it.

I've tried putting my head on rails but as the train was approaching I escaped because of a strange fear. It's just an instinct of survival.
How can I overcome this fear? Life is really painful for me to live but not so painful that it's enough.
I'm like hanging between life and death.

So you have any advice for me or you just want to talk and share your life experiences, maybe you've had similar problems?

 

[L'absent]

You say you love life. Suicide makes no sense. You should work on yourself to join that world. That's the world that disgusts me so much. But you try to conform, it's clear from what you write. There are many things you can do, starting with a therapist and then working on your professional and aesthetic image, regardless of height. Suicide is not the solution to your problems. Suicide is joy and happiness. Suicide frees us from the chains of this ugly existence. In your case, however, this life has a subjective meaning that could be very satisfying if you know how to adhere to what society expects from you in order to include you.

 

[Damian]

You say you love life. Suicide makes no sense. You should work on yourself to join that world. That's the world that disgusts me so much. But you try to conform, it's clear from what you write. There are many things you can do, starting with a therapist and then working on your professional and aesthetic image, regardless of height. Suicide is not the solution to your problems. Suicide is joy and happiness. Suicide frees us from the chains of this ugly existence. In your case, however, this life has a subjective meaning that could be very satisfying if you know how to adhere to what society expects from you in order to include you.

I don't love life itself nor hate it. I just hate my life and I know I can't change it. I think therapist won't help me because my problems are very like "special" and there are many of them. I can't repair my social skills, I can't grow and I can't repair my personality bc it's something I was born with. These 3 things make people laughing at me.
Its very hard to describe. I don't know if you have similar sort of problems and if you are able to understand me.

 

[L'absent]

I don't love life itself nor hate it. I just hate my life and I know I can't change it. I think therapist won't help me because my problems are very like "special" and there are many of them. I can't repair my social skills, I can't grow and I can't repair my personality bc it's something I was born with. These 3 things make people laughing at me.
Its very hard to describe. I don't know if you have similar sort of problems and if you are able to understand me.

If you could get what your friends have, would you like existence? You would finally be happy to be like the others you talk about in the first post.

No, I don't have your problems. Existence disgusts me and I find life deeply undesirable.

 

[Damian]

Ye

If you could get what your friends have, would you like existence? You would finally be happy to be like the others you talk about in the first post.

No, I don't have your problems. Existence disgusts me and I find life deeply undesirable.

Yes I would like existence. Normal things like good work, friends, a girlfriend, a normal family. But those things are unreachable.

Existence itself has no meaning but it's all about instinct - you have to eat you have to drink and you have to exist. It's terrifying...

 

[DiniMom]

Hello... I have friends, family, don't find myself ugly. But I do know how lonely autism is, it's feeling like you belong nowhere and can't change, no matter how much you try... I really understand your reason to wanna go. For me the same happened when I attempted with the same method as you did. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace

 

[Damian]

Hello... I have friends, family, don't find myself ugly. But I do know how lonely autism is, it's feeling like you belong nowhere and can't change, no matter how much you try... I really understand your reason to wanna go. For me the same happened when I attempted with the same method as you did. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace

So how did you manage to find friends?

 

[DiniMom]

So how did you manage to find friends?

Mostly from school, work or parties. Changing city can help

 

[Damian]

Mostly from school, work or parties. Changing city can help

If you have friends although you have autism, then it tells me how fcked up I am..

 

[mattoman]

Hi, I'm 23 yrs old and I'm feeling really bad. Everyday I consider killing myself. Recently I discovered a very good spot because there are fast-driving trains.
I am very short (5'3), ugly and very slender. Basically I look like 12 yr old kid but a little bald (I've been losing my hair since my 17's). I have absolutely no socials skills. I don't have friends, I've never had a girlfriend and nobody likes me. Even my own mother prefers to talk with her friends than with me. I have no education (I was at college but I stopped it because of bullying and I was feeling really bad bc all have found new friends except of me), no hard & soft skills. There is no job I can do. I don't know foreign languages (whereas people at my age know like 2 or even 3 languages fluently).
I've tried to socialize myself but I was always like rejected. Nobody wants me. I have very boring personality and also probably autism.
I am this one silent man.

Because all of this I want to kill myself. I don't hate the life itself but I hate my life and I know that I can't change it.

I've tried putting my head on rails but as the train was approaching I escaped because of a strange fear. It's just an instinct of survival.
How can I overcome this fear? Life is really painful for me to live but not so painful that it's enough.
I'm like hanging between life and death.

So you have any advice for me or you just want to talk and share your life experiences, maybe you've had similar problems?

I have battled with the same "fears" as you. For me the biggest fear is not knowing what's gonna happen beyond the point after the train hits me. I'd like to think that it's just lights out, but for whatever reason that's not really comforting. Or perhaps it's the too many "what if's" in my head, what if I fail, what if I won't die, what if I just injure myself. But yes, like you said, it's an instinct of survival as well. You're aware that when the train hits you, you either die or damage yourself, so your brain tells you unconsciously that it's a bad idea. How to overcome it? I have no clue. Maybe it just takes courage. Standing/laying/being in whatever position on the tracks is like holding a gun against your head and having your finger on the trigger.

Though I wouldn't in your case throw your life away yet. You're young, there's plenty of time. I had basically no life, no friends, no gf until I was around your age. It took some time to work shit out, I had same suicidal thoughts as you and then one day just I thought "fuck it" and stopped giving shit about anything, and changed my behavior to match that, meaning I stopped taking everything too seriously and somehow things just worked out. Not saying this might happen to anyone, maybe I was just lucky. Don't know

Hopefully you'll find your ways to cope with everything, whatever that would be.

 

[maniac116]

I'm sorry you feel so down.
For me ctb is absolute last resort after all other options have been exhausted.
If it was me I think I would speak with a psychiatrist about help with medication,get a therapist so I have someone to talk to & then re enroll in college.
Being bald doesn't matter. I've been bald for years & I understand that losing your hair is a bummer but half of the male population goes bald.
If you expose yourself to others (ie college etc) sooner or later you'll make friends. I don't have many friends at all but have positive hobbies & keeps me occupied.
I'm not judging at all!!! But give yourself a break!
A persons true beauty & value comes from the inside anyway.
At any rate I hope that peace & love finds you