So I have ordered my SN and am now reviewing everything else involved (what else I need, what to do when the SN arrives etc). And it occurred to me that I've never come this far before. It always felt like an abstract idea but now it's an actual proper plan.
I thought I'd feel relief or excitement that it could actually finally be over but I don't. At all. Instead I just feel a deep sadness that it's even come to this. It brings me no comfort to think about.
On the other hand continuing to live fills me with such dread and shame I can't stand it. There isn't one single factor either. It's literally every aspect of my life. I just look back and think "what's wrong with you? How did you go from being a good kid from a good family getting good grades and never being in trouble to THIS?" I don't want to have first hand knowledge of what being a prisoner is like. I just don't.
All I want is a nice, normal life and I'll never have that now.
To be honest there isn't a single thing that would make me feel better, even CTB.
I know I've been making a lot of posts lately but I have no one to talk to. I can't say this to my family and the only other person I speak to regularly just blocked me for no reason. I hope you guys don't mind.
I thought I'd feel relief or excitement that it could actually finally be over but I don't. At all. Instead I just feel a deep sadness that it's even come to this. It brings me no comfort to think about.
On the other hand continuing to live fills me with such dread and shame I can't stand it. There isn't one single factor either. It's literally every aspect of my life. I just look back and think "what's wrong with you? How did you go from being a good kid from a good family getting good grades and never being in trouble to THIS?" I don't want to have first hand knowledge of what being a prisoner is like. I just don't.
All I want is a nice, normal life and I'll never have that now.
To be honest there isn't a single thing that would make me feel better, even CTB.
I know I've been making a lot of posts lately but I have no one to talk to. I can't say this to my family and the only other person I speak to regularly just blocked me for no reason. I hope you guys don't mind.
